Family holiday not so nice

[DesperateHousewife101]

Having a tough time on holiday with the family, with (detail removed by moderator), husband’s friends.
I am currently abstaining from sex with husband after he was particularly mean to me recently. He said he understood but now we’re on holiday he’s pushing the boundaries to get me to have sec with him: started by being extra loving toward me in front of friends and then later asked me if there was any chance, saying he (detail removed by moderator) and implying sex even though I’ve said a firm no. He’s not happy that his wife “doesn’t desire him” and he’s getting frustrated when his many attempts to talk me around fall flat. He’s getting angry at the kids, his stress is definitely higher because of the strain he’s put on our relationship through his pressuring me. I called him out when he tried a different tack to get me to break (started by saying (detail removed by moderator) or some such) and he became quiet and hurt when I said no yet again so of course I felt guilty. More than that I’m angry and disappointed that he’s not getting that I need space and time. I get that it hurts him and he thinks if he’s getting sex then he’s getting love – but I suppose my feelings don’t matter. Annoyingly he’ll be super reasonable and say of course he understands but he’s a master of turning things on their head and making me the unreasonable one. I’ve read Lundy so I get it but it’s hard when it’s happening.
He’s hardly spending any time with me or the kids (and I’m not inviting him to, being neutral around him because I don’t condone his behaviour) and then he’s becoming defensive/stroppy so it’s making the holiday stressful. And of course it’s my fault because I’m not taking his bs, not pandering to him or trying to make it better so I’m just making it worse. We’re barely speaking and he’s making digs at me whenever the opportunity presents itself.
It’s just really frustrating and the kids are picking up on it and I just can’t get away plus I’m out of my comfort zone and have very little time and space to myself. I’m writing this in the bathroom. He’s taking liberties, going off with his friend and leaving me with the kids with no discussion. He’d argue that without his hard work we wouldn’t be on this holiday, we’re all ungrateful, yada yada.
I know people here can resonate with me but in the outside world I must look horrible. Not that I’m particularly bothered by that but I do question myself and wonder if I’m being unreasonable and expecting too much from him.
And then I’m waiting for the explosion, whenever it comes.
Thanks for reading. Just need to get out frustrations as I have no one to talk to!

[Sad and alone]

I hear you. It must be driving you crazy being stuck in a situation like that. It’s worse when there are other people there as you feel like you have to keep up appearances to some extent as well.

My husband has always said we don’t have enough sex and if we had more it would be better. That it brings you closer. But then he used to say he didn’t bother making a move as he’d been rejected by me so many times (which is bull) so it all fell on me to instigate anything. We have differing drives anyway but it meant that if he got less he could blame me in two ways – me not initiating and stopping him from doing it because of the “rejection”. I told him many times how it doesn’t fit when someone’s calling me all these names and insulting me to them go to bed. Apparently that’s what people do though, it’s called make-up sex. If you have a silly argument about something inconsequential maybe, not when you call your wife a b**** and shout at her for two hours. We’ve got to the point where he’s said he’s accepted there won’t be intimacy between us and he’s not bothered as he’s “found something else”. Not another woman. It makes me sad as I do think you need that closeness in a relationship but I don’t want it with him. It’s all fake as he’ll say he loves me and why don’t we do it more but then he’ll snap over something and I think it’s just all rubbish. I’m at the point where I can’t imagine wanting any sort of intimacy with anyone tbh.

I guess you could consider how long are you going to be able to go without having sex? I think myself if I’m never having sex with him again why am I still here? For it to be that bad? I know a lot of us stay in these relationships for way longer than we should, even forever, and have to navigate them as best we can, but have you thought about making any steps to split up? Or do you want to try and stay with it?

How much longer have you got to go on this holiday? I hope you can maybe focus on the children? Let him go off as at least you don’t have to be near him? I hope things improve for you. It’s exhausting having to put on a show for other people.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hey Sad and alone, thank you for your reply. I really empathise with everything you’ve said. I get the “brings you closer” too and guilt trips and defensive when I reject him. The fact that he’s telling you he’s getting it elsewhere is really unfair and unkind. And I wonder if he’s just saying it to manipulate you.
My husband being kinder today. Waiting to see where this leads. At any rate it’s a relief not to have the tension but will see where to from here. What a rollercoaster.

[Sad and alone]

I think he’s probably referring to solo activities, which as far as I imagine most men do anyway! I’m just grateful I don’t have that direct pressure, although he’ll still make comments about it.
Isn’t it funny how great just not having conflict feels? Like you know things aren’t right still but it’s just a relief not to be arguing or feeling like they’re angry at you for some reason.

[DesperateHousewife101]

I actually suggested to my husband that he try that to take the pressure off me!

Yes it’s great to have relief from conflict but how often do we actually solve why it happened in the first place? There was no conversation- I just said welcome back and he thought it was me, not him (of course) and he went on to say it was both of us and let’s move on. But then we just repeat the same stuff and it rolls around again. Which is why I’m taking radical action and refusing sex. Trying to wipe the slate clean.  But I think I know where we’re heading if this continues ..

[Sad and alone]

Yeah I don’t know if he thought it would make me upset if he was doing it. I think there was definitely a feeling from him that he shouldn’t have to. But as I said I assume most men do. And he’s always commented on lack of sex and having more interest in it than me so what else would you do? I actually tried having more sex as a way to start something fresh, and things seemed to go okay for a while, until something happened and that was it. When I’ve said this as an example of trying to change he denies it and says he can’t remember.

I don’t think we ever can solve it because that would mean they would genuinely have to recognise their behaviour and address it. And I don’t think they can do that as I’m coming to believe that whether they are concious of their behaviour or not, they don’t see anything wrong with it. Like you, whatever happens it’ll be my fault. At best he may admit a small part in it. Always with the notion that we can move on and keep going together if I just change the way I am. Until the next time. I keep trying to point out to him that we are just going around in circles and we’re not getting anywhere but again this will be my fault and I just need to try harder, be better, change.

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