Family just isn't the fairy tale

[Eve1]

I wrote on here about asking a family member if, at some point in the future, they would consider renting their spare room to us, as in a few months my child won’t be classed as dependent any more and this will hit me hard financially. The family member said no they wouldn’t be comfortable with it, they’ve lived on their own for many years and this is fair enough.

After speaking to them, although it was a positive civilised conversation and I didn’t get upset which I’m pleased about, I did feel really upset and just drained. I think I knew what the answer either be. But I was left feeling a bit angry that they’re is this idea that family is the place you can always turn to, that will be your refuge , your support whenthe reality is not that at all. My Dad was a dominating selfish n********t( I suspect the gangly member I’ve spoken to had strong n**********c tendencies also) and thank God for my Mum who was my refuge. But, what I learned from her was to keep quiet, not rock the boat. Not really good skills for protecting yourself or in the world or for your self worth. Really makes me feel angry. And drained. Was going to broach some shopping but going to leave it now.
One suggestion this person had was that if my child can’t do further education because of anxiety is there any kind of disability payment for that. I will look into it but I’m not hopeful.

Feel gutted but I will rise again

Eve
x

[fizzylem]

Oh Eve, course this is upsetting, took a lot of courage to ask and it could have been a solution. If this person can’t extend himself for family for a temporary period then it seems to me you’ve had a lucky escape. You know where you stand now too, so you are not wondering if this might be an option.

Your mum also taught you how to control your emotions, keep your cool and deal with how you feel later, which is an excellent skill.

I’ve learnt that friends become our family as I’ve got older, some of my friends and me have taken much better care of one another than some of my family members – do your friends know of your current situation? They might not be able to help directly offering you a room, or maybe they can, but they may know someone who could help – I think asking for help can sometimes feel really hard, so much so we don’t ask – if everyone you know is on the look out for an option then this widens your search and chances hey.

This will have a way of working itself out, you’re in the info gathering stage at the mo, and not found what it is you need to resolve things.

I wouldn’t try and set yourself up for a rent based on full time work though if you know you will struggle to maintain this – this will only set you up for more struggle won’t it.

Have you spoken to your local council’s housing dept? Got your name down? Would a housing association be the way to go here? x

[Eve1]

Hi Fizzylem,

Thanks for that. I really appreciate it.

Yes, I’m grateful to my Mum really, she was a lovely person. Her generation really couldn’t see they had a choice but to put up with a difficult husband. She wasn’t a door mat but eventually she got fed up of fighting him.

I haven’t really got friends in the area. I’ve a friend in a nearby ish place who is supportive. I am registered with the local council and have bid on the odd property am a long way down the list. I will contact them at some point. I have a local friend who I haven’t been in touch with for a long time who may be some help. I always thought her husband could well be an abuser but I don’t think she’d ever see it and I think in some way it bothered her to hear me talk about domestic abuse.

I’ve also thought that forcing myself to work full time is back firing on me. I’m not sure what kind of rent I could afford on a part time wage but it’s definitely what I’ll look at.

Thanks again FL for your lovely understanding reply.

Eve
x

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