Fear of letting go

[hop]

For the first time ever I’ve been able to think about the abuse without getting the terrible sensations in my body. I’m really scared that going back to therapy will set them off again. The worry of that is bringing it back a bit. I think I know that she’s not going to let me walk out of there feeling like that but now the intensity has decreased so much I can’t feel like that again. I just can’t. I have even told my best friends the extent which I have never, and I mean never, done before so everything is pointing forward. I know how stupid it is but I’m fearing the unknown. I don’t know how it feels to not be scared all the time and feeling like someone is crushing me and choking me. I don’t want to feel the way I do but what if the feelings of horror go and I just don’t know how to be a normal functioning adult. This stuff has been going on since childhood. I don’t know if I’ll cope. I live on my nerves and I hate it but what if I hate myself more?

[Lisa]

Hi there Freedomfries, I can see that you are so worried about this happening. It took such a lot of strength to be so honest with your best friend. Do you think that you might be able to talk to your therapist about those concerns?

Best wishes

Lisa

[hop]

Thanks lisa
I did speak to her and she says these feelings are linked in with childhood memories of abuse and low self worth etc.. I felt like a weight had been lifted a little bit last week and now it’s spun on its head and I’m reverting to behaving like I did when my dad scared us. I had emdr in the past and that fixed that, well I thought it had. I feel so weak and feeble. I thought I’d just get my ex out my hair and be fixed. This is so f****d up. Why can’t history just stay where it belongs? I’m so sick of this s**t!!

[Author]

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