Fearful and looking for guidance as abuser enters therapy

[Anonymousandafraid]

My abuser has agreed to see an individual therapist alone to deal with a specific element of his behaviour
Mostly as a result of an ultimatum and some
Recognition of the pattern of behaviour which is still of course my fault

His MO is that I’m the abuser

I’m concerned for what happens next as a therapist validates him at least initially

Any advice on what to expect

[KIP.]

You’re going to get the same as you’ve always had. Lies, twisting the truth, blaming you. You have no idea what the therapist says to him so you will get his version. That’s if he’s even going. Abusers don’t want to change. He gets everything he wants by behaving the way he does. Concentrate on you and your behaviour and your self esteem and your self confidence and your life. It’s very common for abusers to blame us. Accusing us of exactly what they’re doing. Listen to his accusations and think about if he’s actually taking about himself. It’s crazy making behaviour x

[Flowerchild]

Ignore anything he tells you about the sessions. He will be lying or twisting facts, even if the counselling is from an expert in perpetrators of abuse (are they?).

Expect him to learn some fancy new terms for what he’s done and apply them to you.

Expect him to put words in the counsellor’s mouth and ‘report’ that you are to blame. It’s called projecting.

Here’s some things you could say:

This is between you and your counsellor. They can contact me directly if they feel my input might help your progress.

It can take a year or more of regular sessions before change is evident, so I’ll tell you in a year or so if I think you’ve made real changes. It’s far too soon to tell.

Your counsellor cannot judge whether or not you have changed since they only see you for x minutes every week/fortnight. They don’t have a webcam to see how you behave 24/7.

Thank you, if I ever want counselling I know how to go about it!

And Fearful? A good perpetrator programme WILL be in touch with you. Just check any number he gives you by calling the organisation before using it: it could be his mate’s number!

If he’s just going for regular counselling, they won’t be addressing his abusive behaviour anyway.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Mine spent a year on a perpetrator programme. It took at least six months before he started to come out of denial and become open to change.

He still tells me he thinks the course was great and that I would benefit from doing it!

I just say, ‘Really? How do you imagine I would ever be able to get on a course designed for abusive men?!’

He tells everyone he did a ‘mindfulness’ course. He tried calling it that to me once and I told him he could say that to others but not to me. He uses the real name now if he talks about it!

Flower again x

[Flowerchild]

Well done on the ultimatum! It was the only thing that made mine take action.

Remember you are the only one who gets to judge whether he’s meeting your expectations or not. Not him, not his family, not his counsellor. You.

Why? Because it’s your ultimatum. Because it’s your life. Because it’s yourself choice.

F

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Anonymousandafraid I did set him an ultimatum too after our second child was born, either he deals with his explosive anger or he’s out. He went to therapy. Anyway any man going to therapy to improve his behaviour is seen as some sort of hero by the professionals 🙄
He used his therapy to change his abusive behaviours and started to abuse me more mentally and financially on top of exploding verbally as he usually did…
So the outcome of a therapy for him is to learn new ways to control and abuse you, that will be the only outcome.
Wishing you good luck

[Flowerchild]

Funny you should say that, Hope – mine turned to financial abuse after his course, so I had that to deal with, too!

Be ready for it to burst out somewhere different…

[HopeLifeJoy]

And funnily the financial abuse did it for me more than anything else. He could have probably screamed at me for the rest of his life but cutting me off financially was such clear cut act. Numbers, bank accounts, they don’t lie and show you the facts straight into your face.
It was my wake-up call.

[Author]

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