Feel alone and horrendous anxiety again

[Escaped not free]

The other night I tried to talk to my mother about how I need to have control back over my life and how I need to make decisions for me and how I can’t just do everything she tells me. I’m a grown woman and I can’t be treated like a child, especially around my children. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible. I know she has watched me go through hell and she rescued me when I needed it but I feel like because of that she thinks she owns me. I rely on her for childcare to allow me to work, heavily, this has always made me say nothing but I just got to a point I’d had enough. Her reaction was awful. The result now is me feeling hugely anxious again. Serious crippling anxiety. It awful. I feel everything is such a mess. My ex is asking for time while he sorts himself out with therapy. My mum is putting huge pressure on me to sell our house and move close to her….something I don’t want to do. She doesn’t seem to think I’m entitled to have any opinion about this. She decided what’s best for us and I need to do it. End of. I was feeling stronger when I spoke to her but now I’m just a mess again. She’s maybe right. Maybe I am an awful mother and person and that’s why I’m in this situation. Feel utterly wretched right now. X

[White Rose]

You’re right to do what feels best for you. You dont have to sell your house. You don’t have to move near your mum unkess that’s what YOU want and what YOU feel is best.
Most mums suggest things with best intentions – to help us. Some do it to control and we don’t want that!
My mum has been a brick for me but does try to exert her “seniority” at times. Now I’m stronger I can say no and I’ve started saying things like “thanks mum that’s a really kind thought but actually I don’t want to do that. I’ve got to decide for myself and im strong enough to do that now” I’ve also said a few times “I’m doing this my way because I can! ” too many years of being under his control makes us feel vulnerable when we stand in our own two feet.
Keep moving forwards. Do what feels right for you and your children but try to explain why you are to keep mum on your side. She’s probably just being a mum
Keep up the good work xxxx

[SaharaD]

Sorry you are feelinv this way EBN.

I was pressured to go home to my parents too by everyone but my father. He can be abusive too and my mother controlling and invalidating.

So I knew very well to stay put in the refuge. Of course, I didn’t have children or a full time job at the time.

Sometimes we have to take the bitter pill. Lose job, home, possessions for the long term peace of mind. I won’t lie it was extremely difficult but at least I know I had control over my life.

As for your ex therapy cannot help him. One he’s a perpretrator. Two I’ve had years of therapy and I still struggle with my mental health so recovery takes years. Three he can’t rely on you and think that you will go back automatically once he has done the therapy (you shouldn’t) the real hard work is putting what you learned from therapy into practice and trust me you don’t want to be there when he relapses and relapse he will.

You and the kids are safer away from him and your controlling mother

[Serenity]

Well done, Esacped, for standing up to your mum.

Her reaction was bound to be dreadful. My mum and sister’s reaction was too, because they aren’t used to you being assertive, and they don’t want to lose control over you. I was very upset by my mum’s reaction. But as my counsellor said, if you say it enough times, they will know you mean it. It’s about braving their reactions, and keeping hold of what you know to be right.

Rather than back track and think maybe you shouldn’t have stood up to her, maybe focus on dealing with the anxiety. I know how crippling anxiety is. It was a nightmare for me, and still rears its ugly head, but it’s no way as bad now as it was.

As for your ex, he had no right to put your life on hold. He can continue re diving the help he needs, whilst doing things to allow you to be free and move forward. Don’t let him use the therapy thing as a way of controlling you.

You are doing great. I can sense amazing strength in you. I feel very proud of you, though I have never met you! X*x

[Escaped not free]

Thank you ladies so much. All of your words mean so much.
I pulles myself together after posting. Messaged a good friend and she has been extremely supportive. She will have my daughter after school on days I need her to and also said the same thing about me doing the right thing. My daughter loves her and is good friends with her daughter also so she will actually prefer this. It’s not a long term fix but it gives me time to work out what next.
I know my mum has seen me go through hell, and I know she has been there to pick up the pieces. I was very very calm with her, all the while she was shouting at me about not being right in the head. I explained to her that I need to be allowed to make decisions about my life.
My ex is actually not putting pressure, he has stepped back, he just asked if there was any chance we could delay the house sale but if I couldn’t do that he understood. He also has said he didn’t realise at the time what he was doing but the was very honest with the psychologist he is seeing and they made him aware of the cycle of abuse. He said he knows now, looking back that was what he did to me. He said he thinks he’s done it before in relationships to a lesser extent and not realised, just thought they didn’t work. He said he’s ashamed of himself and is doing all he can to change as that isn’t the person he wants to be. I knew him years ago before we were together and I think there was a definite change in him when (detail removed by moderator)  that he felt responsible he didn’t stop happening. He hasn’t mentioned this to me but I do think it’s where a lot of his issues of control stem from. His behaviour very quickly got unbearable within a couple of months of living together. He would go into total panics if he couldn’t get hold of me and this would then escalate into horrible behaviour. He’s done horrendous wrongs to me…emotionally not physically but did instill a great deal of fear which I am wholly mindful of. He has now though used the word abuse, said to me he abused me and he does not want to be an abuser. He is effectively paying half of the mortgage while I stay here, has said he has no intention of trying to come back with me or live here for many months until he could be sure he’s not going to fall into the same behaviour again. (Detail removed by moderator) He has also told his family and our friends the truth, has used the word abusive about his behaviour. (Detail removed by moderator) He doesn’t text all the time now, he responds politely if asked something via email etc. I’ve told him I don’t trust him, that I’m not sure I ever will. He just said he understood, he wouldn’t try to change my mind, he would continue to work on himself and if I felt I could see any way to be with him again in the future he would be there.
Now I just feel I want to make decisions about my life based on what’s right for me and my children. I don’t have pressure from him, although I do feel it from myself and I don’t want pressure from my family. I need to stop feeling like I’m being bounced around a pinball machine crashing off one wall of fear onto the next. I need to make decisions based on what is in front of me here and now, being mindful of the past but not doing as my mum tells me because I’m scared of my ex and not throwing myself into getting back with him before he’s really done anything about his behaviour to escape my mum. I need to start being a bit selfish I think and work out what I want, not what everyone else expects. I’ve told my mum I am hugely grateful but I need to be allowed to live my life, be a mum. She’s told me if I have another conversation with my ex then she will cut me off and have nothing to do with me for the rest of her days…I think she means it as well. I explained to her that was her decision and I respect that but I will not live my life based on what will cause her not to cut me off. If she feels that’s the best thing for her then I respect her decision. At this point she became extremely unpleasant. I told her calmly I had to leave as I didn’t feel I could listen to this talk. I have wonderful, clever, funny, kind children, they are that way because of me not in spite of me and I no longer will let her make me feel like I am an inept mother. Thank you all so much for your support. It means so much. X*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Escaped, i’m not sure i’m being cynical but are you sure about your ex’s intentions? All of these seemingly nice words that he is saying, being courteous, respectful and saying absolutely the right things. The words can be SO BELIEVABLE! I don’t want to be cynical and would love to think that some men are truly remorseful and decent. Abusers are calculated, cunning and can play the long game, my ex i think hoodwinked me really throughout the time that we were together. There were some snippets of genuine niceness & normality but the underlying theme was power and control. He knew just the words to say, when and how to use them. Upping the tempo when needed and reducing it at other times. I think the term is Intermittent Reinforcement (30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships). I think a good rule of thumb to test how genuine he is, if what you have is real, he will wait and not push you to do anything. Even if you sell your house and have a total no contact break for a year or two. If he loves you and is genuinely facing and dealing with his issues and is right for you, then you will get together. There is nothing wrong with doing this, it will sort the wood from the trees. These abusers are incredibly manipulative, controlling & devious with their words and actions. As we were finishing my ex sent me what I described as a kind, courteous and respectful email. I was confused as this just was not him, he was generally dismissive, ignored me or played power games. I believe that courteous email that he sent me at the end of carefully designed by him to keep me guessing, feeling unsure and wanting. There is a thread on here called ‘Can anybody give any examples of Gas Lighting’ that you may like. X*X

[Escaped not free]

Thank you HA. I totally get where u are coming from and in no way am I heading back into a relationship with him right now. He’s not coming back to the house. I would like the space though to settle and see what happens. I have seen the grand gestures, the declarations of undying love, the promises. That’s not what he is doing. When I said I wouldn’t have him back he said he respected that. That I had to do what was right for me. I would like to see what happens if I continue to get on with my life without him if he reverts back. I know he didn’t used to be this way. I know years ago he was a much more relaxed person in general. I do firmly believe that he started to react in these ways when he didn’t face and deal with the anger and rage inside of him after his loss. He did off travelling, came back under pressure from his parents and has repeated the same behaviours since. I think he genuinely loves me. I know he’s never faced this stuff before, never done the work to change. Wether it’s enough for me is another question. I’m not sure about that at all. (Detail removed by moderator). He’s never ever let the mask slip before but I was made aware by someone I work with…someone he doesn’t know I have a connection with that apparently he has told his close friends that he was at fault, used the word abusive and he’s realised he has a problem and needs to change. This didn’t come from him directly, through a third very cynical party who has said it might be worth seeing what he does next if I felt I wanted to. I’m not sure of what I have to loose by just giving it a bit of time. My kids will be styled a bit longer, I can deal with other stuff and if it doesn’t work the house gets sold. He’s signed all the paperwork and agreements to allow me to do this any time I choose. I might just wait and see for a bit. I don’t want to waste more money on estate agents and solicitors if it may not be necessary. i just want to make my own decisions. Not based on fear. X

[KIP.]

Hi there, reading your post reminds me of me. All the excuses I made about his behaviour. How we separated for (removed by moderator) and how reaonable he became. How he had a stressful job and anger management issues. Yes, only with me behind closed doors. My advice to you would be to cut yourself free of all ties while you can. While he is playing the ‘poor me’ card. While he is playing at being Mr Reasonabke. If you decide to continue your relationship knowing what he is capable of, at least when things go bad again, you can walk away quickly.
That house will always be his hold over you and in future he can change his mind about selling it. Don’t believe a word he says. He has show you his true colours. If he doesn’t know how to behave by this stage in life, he’s not going to change now. With reapgard to your mum, I’ve had to distance myself from family who trigger me. Life is too hard to worry about another abuser in it. Maybe a break will be good for you both. However, if you watched your daughter go through what you went through. How would you react. Your children see your behaviour. See you allowing this abusers back in your life. You don’t want them to see this as normal. It’s all sad and dysfunctional X

[Serenity]

That’s amazing about your friend helping you out with the kids!

Give your mum time to lick the wounds to her ego. She won’t want to lose you. Under it all, she knows you are a decent person, despite all her accusations.

‘My kids are X because of me, not in spite of me.’ That is so great that you can see this and own it!

💛

[Healthyarchive]

i’m probably cynical.

But reading your post again, he just sounds like he knows the tone, wording and gestures to use to pull your strings, ie ‘do what is right for you’ ‘I understand, take as long as you need’. In a normal scenario with normal people this would be the decent response, it is empathetic and courteous. It sounds like he is trying to hook you back in by using politeness and courtesy, which is just what we want and need. I still think to have a full on complete 100% break with no contact for a good period of time to allow you both to see what is really there. All the while he is saying these things and you are hearing them you are hooked in. X*X

[Escaped not free]

Thank you ladies. I totally get what you are saying and i agree. I do believe I’m too vulnerable at the moment to let him in my life so other than that conversation the no contact will be in place. He did admit at the time that his head races trying to think of things to say and do to get me back, he knows he needs to deal with that and said to me it’s extremely difficult and until he gets that under control and can let me get on with my life without knowing what I’m up to all the time it probably is better that we are not in contact as he feels right now he would be in danger of repeating the same mistakes to try and fix it. He said talking to the psychologist made him realise it’s not the relationship he needs to fix but himself. He said his worse nightmare would be that his son watches how he is with people and ends up screwing his personal life up as well. I agreed. Told him it was probably too late for our relationship and he left, saying he’s genuinely, deeply sorry, he had no idea the damage he was causing by needing to have such control all the time and if there was anything I needed from him to make going forward any easier with the house or anything then all I had to do was ask.
I’m not convinced. Something I’ve read time and again is judge by actions not words. But I’m also not convinced that in his case it’s just badness that drives him. I know we have had many wonderful times, that there are many times I’ve needed support in the past and he has been there 100% and we do share many interests and loves but he has this control freak aspect to him that just went totally into overdrive when we moved in together. I can’t risk going through that again. X

[Healthyarchive]

Your post reminds me a bit of Hoodwinked’s scenario, how she is feeling about her husband and what she is doing.

[KIP.]

He’s being too nice and reasonable. My alarm bells would be ringing that he has another woman and is keeping you hanging on for the rebound? His attention is definitely elsewhere at the moment? Keep an open mind and please consider breaking any bonds like joint ownership whilst he is agreeable. He can change his mind at any minute. I see so many similarities here with my ex X

[Author]

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