feel like a failure

[tryingtosleep]

I feel like a failure – I feel like I have let everyone down – myself, my husband, my kids, my family,
I wish I didn’t feel like this

Today – I met up with some lovely friends who I hadn’t seen in months

I updated them on all the struggles I had been through – and while it was great to see them – it brought a lot of it all back
My husband is an alcoholic – he has been verbally, sexually, emotionally abusive – he is very damaged
(detail removed by Moderator) ago – he had a huge breakdown and started drinking 24/7 – lost his job – got some (detail removed by Moderator) – went in and out of a+e like a yoyo – it was all very traumatic and stressful.

When he (detail removed by Moderator), I asked him not to come back – he started drinking again several weeks after (detail removed by Moderator) (this is my fault apparently).

When I told him I was contacting a lawyer – he (detail removed by Moderator) – then called me from hospital saying again it was my fault.

He is convinced that before his breakdown (detail removed by Moderator) ago – everything was perfect – only it wasn’t – he had alcoholic binges – was very sexually coercive – we were barely speaking – and I had completely cut myself off emotionally from him over the years.
I was only still with him because I didn’t know how to move away – I didn’t have the courage. His breakdown was what gave me that courage.

A while ago I secured 12 free counselling sessions –
This is what has really held me together over that time
We talked about the abuse – that he raped me once – many years ago
I had not talked to anyone about some of these things before

But then the free counselling sessions ended and now I feel completely lost without my therapist.
I had become very obsessed – in love – with my therapist – I know this is called transference – I’ve spent hours reading about it – but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I know this will pass
I just wish I knew when

[Twisted Sister]

Hi tryingtosleep

Well done for coming so far. What you have suffered and managed, is a lot and its incredibly hard to be over.

I’m sorry that you only received 12 sessions, I wouldn’t expect that to be enough, but glad to hear it did help for a very long time. I am sorry that this wasn’t talked about with your therapist, its a very real psychological and emotional challenge for you. People in therapy open up to their therapist and mostly do come to rely/need that regular space, and for many thats a desperate need to have a place to release once they’ve started to open up. Your therapist I would hope spent many of the last sessions talking about life beyond the sessions, how to manage, next steps and so on.

I have concerns about female victims working in therapy with male therapists, I don’t think its healthy if a woman went through a male abuser experience, as it can hugely confuse the relationship to the therapist. I’m sure my view isn’t a commonly held one, but I believe it happens a lot when a male starts to show kindness and understanding to a formerly isolated and terrified woman.

Can you apply for more therapy, another session of 12? The break can be helpful, for some respite from it too, and there may be other organisations you can seek help from.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

You are certainly no failure you are an incredably brave lady really brave. To tell your friends whats been going on is incredable to open up and talk is incredable.
I will admit to something here that ive only told one other and im ashamed of it but I am hoping it will help ypu see how this is not on you as I too have formed an attachment with someone who is helping me a professional and I have felt so ashamed of it but reading your post has made me see that actually maybe its ankther way of me getting through this.
I still live with my husband and have told nobody apart from professionals. Its so tough this life and we do what we can to get by I guess. Sounds to me that you are doing a great job.
Like TS says maybe you could take another look see what other services are available to you other therapist female ones, support grouos maybe jjst somewhere you can go to keep talking as thats the key you need to keep talking keep understanding that all this is on hom not you sweetie.
Thank you for posting.
Stay safe xxxx

[tryingtosleep]

Dear @nbumblebee and @twistedsister

I hadn’t been on this forum for about a week and I was really touched by your messages that you left me. Thank you – so much!

Firstly – my therapist was a woman –my attachment was huge – but I guess in some ways she became a maternal figure for me – in other ways I was and still am very obsessed – I still feel foolish about it – but I do recognise that I am in a vulnerable position right now and I did really rely on her.
I’m guessing that maybe you could be in a similar situation to this @nbumblebee?

After I had my last session – I literally felt like I had been broken into a million tiny little pieces – I have never felt so broken. I guess she had really held me through some difficult times.

You are right 12 sessions were not enough – I am looking for an alternative – as I am unable to go back to the same place – but hopefully I will find something soon.

The advice that my therapist did leave me was to write everything down and reread it when I’m in doubt. I am hugely grateful that my husband is not living with me now – and I realise in some ways how lucky I am that he has (for now) agreed to stay away. One of my fears is that he will persuade me to let him back in – despite everything that has happened. (He is very persuasive.) Rereading some of my own story – reminds me what a dangerous choice that would be.

The other piece of advice my therapist gave me was that the answer is ‘in me’. I can’t really see that right now – but maybe I will – one day.

Look after yourselves!

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