Feel like i am so pathetic for missing an abuser

[tiredanddrained]

I feel so confused. He says i am overreacting and it is not abuse if the names he calls me are true. He calls me Liar and cheat. I have never cheated on him and am a very loyal person and don’t lie either. He hasn’t physically hit me since (detail removed by Moderator) but the abuse seems to have switched to mental and emotional now. Anything he does he blames me. He took (detail removed by Moderator) so i asked him to leave as every time he takes it he is a monster for the next (detail removed by Moderator) days. He yells and calls me names such as smelly b*****d, cow and accuses me of cheating with my exes. I am scared he will hit me again as he has done it many times after taking (detail removed by Moderator) on the come down and have told him this. I threw him out (detail removed by Moderator) ago for taking (detail removed by Moderator) and he was just back (detail removed by Moderator) and took it again. It made me feel like he does not care about me as he watches me cry when he takes it and then minimises it and calls me a fruitcake and why can i just not be normal as it’s just a tiny bit of coke. I made it clear when we got together i would not have thst in my life and i will not negotiate on it. He seemed to stop at first but every few months seems to take it aa a 1 off. He says he is not an addict as he doesnt do it for months so it seems more like a choice which is hurtful when he sees how much it upsets me. He also smokes weed which when he runs out gets aggressive and abusive and makes up lies i was looking at a group of guys one day we went for lunch. He calls me a liar and a cow and (detail removed by Moderator) ran right up to my face getting in it becsuse he wanted me to delete pictures of male friends on my facebook from my past. I honestly neverlooked at any other men. ……The crazy thing tho i am thinking about myself is why in gods name when he is so horrible when it suits him do i seem to believe him when he says he loves me more than anyone and that’s why he is so jealous and crazy. Why do i miss the good side of him? To be honest he does nothing for me in the house. Zero housework as is very sexist so i cook snd clean and work a job and wash his clothes n clean the bath etc. He does nothing apart from go to the corner shop for me the odd time.

As ive told him to leave he constantly messages me all day long with huge texts about how im a b*****d and he is going to (detail removed by Moderator) and if i go with anyone else he will slash them. He says he hopes my mum dies so i will be hurt because ive hurt him. I just feel so confuses how he can be angry at me when he is causing the ehole chaos by taking (detail removed by Moderator).
Also when i now mention the previous battering he is writing back it was me hitting him which makes me so angry i believed him when he said sorry as he is just denying what he done now so is obviously not even sorry 1 bit.
How can i manage to be strong enough to realise he doesn’t love me and stop seeing his good side and forgetting about the bad? Any hints or tips would be appreciated
Thanks for listening

[KIP.]

Hey there. Drugs don’t cause abuse. Abuse is a choice he makes. Try writing a journal of all his behaviour from the first incident. Abusers are liars. Google gaslighting. I’d also report him to the police. It’s one way of burning the bridge so you’re not tempted to cross back over x contact your local women’s aid too. You need support here and show his threatening messages to the police x absolutely zero contact is how you begin to heal.

[tiredanddrained]

It is definately gaslighting. Thanks for your reply. I am going to try writing a journal. Hopefully this will help. I’m quite a shy person and he is a good talker so don’t really want to involve the police unless it gets to a stage he starts kicking my door or something. Then i would. Hopefully i just stay strong this time. I have him blocked on the phone and all other ways to contact me so i just need to keep it that way. Wish i would stop forgiving this bad behaviour.hopefully this time i can. Somehow i end up being the one feeling guilty for throwing him out but i just cant take anymore accusations of me cheating and him shouting at me and letting me down and blaming me for everything he causes. Thanks so much for your help.

[KIP.]

Have a read of Living With The Dominator book by Pat Craven. What he’s doing is typical abusers behaviour. Ring your local women’s aid and please ring the police and report the assaults. You can speak to the domestic abuse unit via your local woman’s aid. You cannot handle this yourself. It’s way past that stage. Abusers programme and brainwash us into a fog using fear Obligation and Guilt. It’s how they keep us trapped. As human beings we crave what is normal to us even if that normal is abuse. What you miss is the fake man he was. The man he pretended to be to keep you hooked in. The real man is a nasty selfish self service abuser. These men often accuse us of exactly what they’re doing x

[KIP.]

Abusers are liars so do not believe a word he says x

[tiredanddrained]

Thank you. I am going to download that book just now. It does make sense that he is a liar and cheat which he accuses me of as i know he cheated years ago on his ex quite a bit. That makes so much sense and has really helped. Thank you so so much for your help.xx

[KIP.]

You may also find it helpful to read other posts. Sadly most abusers follow quite a predictable pattern so you can be prepared for his next move. Other goods books are Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and Healing from Hideen Abuse by Shannon Thomas and google the power and control wheel and the cycle of abuse x leaving an abuser is like breaking a drug habit. So be very kind to yourself and try to stick to absolutely zero contact. Don’t be scared to involve the police. It’s their job x

[Author]

Posts