Feel like I just keep failing at trying to rebuild my life

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been feeling really low lately. I hate bank holidays because most things are closed (a support group I usually attend today was not on for example) but if you go out to things that are open like countryside areas or shops they are packed = double whammy of rubbishness for a lot of people. Just thought it might help to write on here. I’ve realised I’ve been feeling ‘passively suicidal’ as in I’m not wanting or planning to end my life but often just feel so tired and depressed and like I’m living these depressing patterns that I so far haven’t figured out how to break free from, and it feels exhausting and often pointless trying and gives me little hope for the future. I feel like I’ve been trying to rebuild my life for years but never seem to get very far with it.

For example, dating and relationships. The only men I seem to find physically attractive are ones that turn out to be abusive in varying degrees. I didn’t realise this until the last guy who was so scary and horrible that I suddenly ‘woke up’ and saw the pattern, got help from women’s aid etc. I told my last two counsellors about my previous boyfriends including ‘the only good kind one’ and they both said that he didn’t sound like a good boyfriend either which kind of blew my mind, because I always thought he was. But I can see now that they’re right. He wasn’t exactly abusive but he was selfish, expected me to adapt to his lifestyle, sulked a lot, expected me to spend all our time together with his friends, disrespected my taste in music and films etc. I cried loads in that relationship but just blamed myself. The other exes were all so much worse that he seemed like this great boyfriend.

But I don’t find many men attractive and often feel like good kind men are physically not attractive? So it feels like my only option if I want a partner is to date a man I don’t find attractive but who is kind, since I absolutely don’t ever want another abuser in my life. But I wasn’t that attracted to two of my exes and it felt miserable having to ‘talk myself’ into being attracted to them. So I don’t want to do that either which feels like I’m destined to just be alone, which is maybe peaceful but also feels really lonely and a bit depressing.

Since leaving my abusive ex several years ago I have no interest in sex either. Going through that trauma just seemed to turn my life upset down and shut a lot of aspects about me down like my hope, joy and my sex drive. So if I got a partner I would at the moment just want a platonic companion. Sex tends to make me feel depressed and emotional anyway so it’s never been a healthy thing for me.

I just feel like I’d like a companion and no sex or romance. I’ve never fallen in love with anyone so often feel upset that other women fall madly in love and are happy in relationships, which has always eluded me. I tend to be sexually attracted to some men but I don’t fall in love with them, I think because these same men are selfish, immature etc and their character traits put me off and stop me before I can fall in love.

Another area of my life struggle with is work. I was signed off for depression and panic attacks and I went back for a few days and found it unbearable – exhausting, stressful, overwhelming. Tonnes of work for a very low pay and so exhausting I fell asleep for hours as soon as I got home. I’d love a part time job doing something manageable but haven’t found anything like that yet. And when I feel so depressed I worry about getting a job then struggling in the job with my mental health and having to be signed off again. On the other hand I often think a nice manageable job could help my mental health as it could give me structure, routine, get me out of my place, I might have nice colleagues and build a social life and feel good knowing I’m part of society again etc.

Finally I’ve lost a lot of friendships over the years and it often brings me down. It makes me feel like a bad person, but when I replay a lot of the friendships in my head I can see that they probably would have ended anyway. I did my best in each case and was true to myself. It’s just tough as I miss having more friends and people to do things with, and my efforts in making new friends have failed in the past few years. I guess not having a job probably doesn’t help. Most women my age seem to be married with kids and maybe want other friends in the same situation as them. And I suppose since I don’t think I want children I’d also probably prefer to have some childfree friends too as it’s hard for me to relate to women with young children (I do tend to get on better with women whose children are grown since their focus is not on their children anymore so we tend to have more in common). I used to always have loads of friends and people would actively want to be my friend, had lots of invitations to things and never had trouble making new friends, so it feels horrible to have ‘lost’ that ability and to be so alone. I just have one friend left who lives miles away and otherwise the only people I have to socialise with are my parents, who I have a difficult relationship with.

Well thanks for listening. I think I will look into getting a counsellor again since I only had a few sessions with the trauma-specialist counsellor and it was good but nowhere near enough sessions.

[KIP.]

I know about these depressive moods. Try to write down three things a day that are positive. It keeps your mind in a positive state. It sounds like you’re thoughts are trapped in that awful place. Try not to think about what may or may not happen in the future regarding relationships. Men now come way down the list of my priorities. Building a life you enjoy from the ground up sounds like a plan. I have thought of starting my own cleaning business. I get pleasure from cleaning, I can work my own hours and do it when I can manage a good day. Even if I did three or four houses a week until I get back on my feet. Start small. I also love animals but don’t want the commitment so I could take animals in for holiday cover. Again start slowly with a gerbil or something lol. Counselling is good to get you past this stage but you also need to learn coping strategies for when the black mood returns. Keep going. As anyone who has been abused knows some days are harder than others x

[Tiffany]

I too know these black moods. KIP’s suggestions are good. It’s more about changing your mindset than your situation at this stage. I mean, on paper I have everything I could hope for post abuse. I live somewhere I like, I have a new and mind boyfriend, I have a flexible job. And for the last month I have had a flare up in my chronic condition, leaving me unable to work, and all of those black thoughts start whirling up.

I was lonely. Even though I had a partner coming home every night. He has a couple of evening classes he goes to each week, and a dog which needs walked. Which leaves me some nights with only half an hour’s companionship. I have friends, but many of them were also either away or also I’ll. So I didn’t see them. Once I got well enough to start doing things that made me feel better that helped a hell of a lot more than my partner could. It did more to allieve my feelings of isolation to spend a day working gently in my garden – planting things in pots and doing a little weeding, than all the attention my boyfriend could lavish on me in between all of his commitments. Especially as when the black mood rises and you feel unlovable and afraid that he will leave you.

I know I am incredibly fortunate, to have landed so well post abuse. But it doesn’t magically fix all the negative feelings that come post abuse, or with chronic health conditions. My advice, on top of KIP’s would be to try and keep doing things that you enjoy and that ground you, even when the going gets tough. I think you have a little garden too. On bank holidays perhaps you can plan to work in it, if the weather is good? It doesn’t have to be too expensive. You can get some lovely plants from Poundland. I have had particular success with roses from there.

You have actually made a huge amount of progress since you joined this forum SunshineRainFlower. Things will continue to get gradually better as time goes on. Don’t worry about men. Perhaps someone you are both attracted too and is nice will show up. Perhaps what you are attracted to will change as you continue to process the abuse you have experienced. Honestly, my boyfriend is not “the hottest” man I could date. I find him physically attractive, but mostly what draws me to him is his personality. I place far greater importance on his good temper and willingness to more than his fair share of housework than I would have pre-abuse. We change as time goes by, and you do too. At the moment you don’t really want a partner. Embrace that. Enjoy it. Recognise your achievements, then keep going.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi SunshineRainFlower

You received excellent advice above from KIP and Tiffany, how very inspiring, it brought hope for myself so thank you very much for posting this.

I understand where you are at, I’m trying to figure out too how the hell to move on and rebuild my life. I swing between frustration&anger and depression trying to move on. I tried work, I tried therapy, I didn’t tried men yet. It was my next goal but after reading this, I see it isn’t the answer either. Taking in a deep yoga breath.

Here is my take on men, work and social life.
With men, for friendship or love, try to find one attractive quality, if it is physical then you go check out the gym, the swimming pool, the tennis-courts, any sporting facilities. Believe me there are kind gentle well build men there.
If it’s intellectual you go to forums, libraries, lectures, seminars, events about a particular subject…etc
If it’s artistic, then go to artistic events, concerts, museums etc..

About work, try to figure out how many hours you would be able to handle per week? And which activity are you naturally good at?
I am trying to figure out what mistake I did last year, I went full-time and it wasn’t a good idea. I’m not sure to ever be able to return full-time, I’m exhausted, and that’s my reality now. I’ll go for part-time. 24 hours/week is the max I can handle I think.

About social life, I used to be surrounded by friends, I too meet new people easily, and now it’s all gone. Literally all gone as if there has been a huge explosion in my life – which there was of course – and either I pushed away loads of them or they run away from me. It’s as if I got a contagious disease or something. I tell myself, It’s ok, it’s incredibly lonely, the loneliest time in my life, but to be able to socialise isn’t a quality that disappears over time, if you were able to build a decent social life, you will be able to do it again some day. I for one am looking forward already to move into the bracket of the over 50s because they have so many nice memberships groups etc…sounds appealing to me to drink tea with other ladies and go do city trips and share activities together and develop friendships.
I’m not there yet, I need another decade, my generation too are all busy with family lives, so I feel like a fish out of water, maybe that’s why I’m now excluded of their lives.
Social life will come again, slowly but surely you’ll make new friends again, until then you come here, where we are together.

You are making progress, we all are, it might not seem like it bit we always get a little higher in the spiral of recovery, even if it still is in recovery phase and not out yet, it is higher up and one beautiful day we are bathing in complete sunshine 🤗☀️

Here is my favourite song atm, I try to understand the lyrics…from The Rollings Stones…I think it’s about being realistic and really open the eyes at what we have now and not look into the future (which I always do…) carpe diem you know ☺️🎵
“No, you can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need”

Bug hug to You and KIP and Tiffany 💖

[HopeLifeJoy]

@ KIP, I love your idea to open up your own business, you’d be successful, I just have to share this with you; the best friend of my sister has started her own cleaning services business many years ago and now has to hire help to support her because she is very good at it and very trustworthy and her services are asked by many people as her good reputation has spread like wild fire.
The second wife of my father is taking in animals, cats, from clients who are going on holidays, she too is making a living out of it now, she is using her own house to conduct her business and is always fully booked.

Two brilliant ideas you have, you go girl! Very inspiring 👍

[HopeLifeJoy]

Sorry to get on and on here…got alot to say on the subject because I am trying to figure out a way forward myself ☺️

It is the MINDSET indeed that is the way forward. I just tried. It works straight away!
Say Yes! to whatever is offered to you ( in my case I just got a call back to continue therapy and a new chance at a job interview) I said yes to both even if it’s not what I want. (therapy). Maybe it’s what I need.
Say No! to whatever isn’t good for you. No to abusive people, however little the abuse. If it isn’t good for you, it shouldn’t be in your life. Family or friend, doesn’t matter.

Only the best for you.
It’s the mindset. That’s the way forward sweety. Big hug 💓

[Janedoeissad]

I needed to read this post and see the responses today. SunshineRainFlower, I hope the answers have helped you as much as they helped me. You sound like you have come a long way from when I last heard from you and you have much more insight into how your mind functions.

You have come so much further than you might believe. I wish we could all have a before and after photo, so we could see how far we had come, like you do with weight loss programmes. However, that’s not possible.

I am doing very well in some areas and shockingly bad in others. However, my mind is more than willing to focus on the bad, rather than the good. Its and every day job to refocus my mind on what is going well and what is important.

Anger is my worst enemy at the moment. If I feel judged or taken advantage of, then watch out! I will verbally take you down and won’t hold back. I have learnt to breathe and think about the situation before going mad but sometimes I can’t control my mouth in time. Plus, I do feel that I need to be more assertive. So its a balancing act I do not always win. In a sense I am pleased I no longer fear getting screamed at but I would love a bit of balance.

Big hugs to you all xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

KIP – I like the idea of your cleaning business, I say go for it. I’ve actually been trying to get a small business off the ground for a while, but it’s been so hard, and is one of the reasons I feel hopeless. If I got that business off the ground it would be such a positive for me. I keep going with it, and am going to try some different ideas. I do already have a cat who is wonderful, my life saver. On the darkest days I just keep going for her, she is by far the best thing in my life.

Tiffany – I agree that having a partner wouldn’t suddenly stop me from being depressed. In fact I can imagine they’d be saying right now ‘I’m worried about you, can you go and speak to the GP again’ or something like that. It can even be worse with a partner because they can worry and might not understand depression which can feel even more isolating. A partner is the last thing on my list, but I still don’t feel much hope about finding someone eventually because of the soul destroying dating pattern I have. If I could end that pattern with a counsellor it might give me some hope. I do actually garden every single day, I love it. It’s just the low mood returns as soon as I stop. That’s been the problem lately, I feel ok doing things I like then the low mood returns again and I’m wondering what is the point of everything.

HopeLifeJoy – I’m the same as you in that I also can’t work full time anymore. I think my max time is about 21 hours per week. I currently volunteer a few times a week and I enjoy that and it feels manageable but they are not full days and if I’m tired I just rest and nobody minds. The problem with a lot of jobs is they are so full on, stressful and demanding, and I just can’t cope with that. And it’s hard to know before applying which companies will be nice places to work.
I liked what you said about friendships and how you look forward to the over 50s club memberships and how you also find it a lonely time when you used to have a good social life in the past. I can totally relate to the ‘contagious disease’ feeling that describes it exactly. I often wonder why I am suddenly putting people off and nobody wants to be friends when for years I attracted friends. It’s good to know it’s not just me. I’m quite a long way off 50 but my favourite group at the moment is a knitting group. Everyone else there is retired and they are all very nice and welcoming. I think I get on with them because their focus is no longer on men, dating, sex, relationships and children and it’s more on their hobbies, friendships, volunteering and community which appeals to me more. Going through domestic violence traumatised me so much and made me review my whole life (like you said, a bomb was detonated on our lives) and I am no longer sure I want a husband and children. I don’t want to give up all of the things I enjoy (like my hobbies and volunteering and my dream business) to care for children and I don’t want some lazy husband who expects me to be a domestic and sex slave which is kind of how two of my exes treated me. No thanks. But this feels alienating in a society (where I live anyway) that is still obsessed with couples, romance, marriage, weddings, children and families. It’s wonderful if you find a genuinely good partner and have a lovely family but for everyone who doesn’t it sucks to be around all of that and have it thrown in our faces, it just feels so painful and so isolating. It sounds like you have a positive perspective on it, it helps to know I’m not alone in experiencing this.

Jane – I can relate to what you said about how you go mad at people. I feel very similar. An idiot taxi driver undertook me dangerously the other day, if I hadn’t done an emergency stop he would have either ploughed into my car or the parked car in his lane. I went ballistic, screamed, swore and beeped at him, then pulled over and cried in public. I was so angry and distraught and I realised it was because what he did was like all those years of abuse, of people in my life putting themselves before me, taking my place, shutting me down, telling me my opinion didn’t matter, shutting me out and bullying me. It was a horrible aggressive bullying tactic not to mention extremely selfish, illegal and dangerous and it made me absolutely enraged. I’m still not quite sure how to deal with this sort of reaction. I worry sometimes that I’ll scream at someone if they trigger me like that in public. It’s like pure raw emotion just under the surface that was buried for years under confusion, but now I see clearly it’s hard to stop it from erupting into a volcano of rage. I just can’t tolerate idiots anymore and feel every day I am surrounded by idiots and sociopaths which definitely doesn’t help my mood or give me much hope in the future. I think if someone like Trump can get elected, and our govt can justify being millionaires whilst thousands have to use food banks, it shows what kind of a time we are living in. It wasn’t like this when I grew up, things made more sense back then and there was more kindness and common sense. It feels like very dark days at the moment and I wonder how long things will be like this.

Can I ask, do any of you ever feel suicidal? What are your coping strategies for those thoughts? The best thing I did for myself today was have a shower. I normally shower every day but woke up late yesterday and decided to garden before showering then got too tired. Then this morning I got side tracked and suddenly realised I’d now showered in nearly 2 days which felt horrible. I showered and then just rested all afternoon and it helped a bit.

When I’m extremely depressed it’s hard to think of coping strategies but all I can think of at the moment is asking myself:

1. Have you eaten good food
2. Have you slept
3. Have you showered
4. Have you exercised

Those 4 things have the biggest impact on my mood. I’m seeing a mental health nurse soon so I’ll be honest and tell him how low I’ve been. I get worried I won’t be able to lift my mood up again. It’s frightening waking up feeling so low every day and for my mood to stay so low for most of the day despite trying different hobbies and strategies.

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