Feel like I might crack today

[LightbulbMoment]

Really struggling with the continuous calls, texts, dramas and rages over the last few weeks.
I haven’t gone no-contact yet because we have kids (even though they are older). Plus we share a car and a house (that he lives in alone, with all my stuff). I know I’m still far too embedded in a life with him and I’m slowly trying to pick off each of the tentacles one by one. They have a habit of reattaching. The legal process is beginning but it’s so slow and he delays it at very turn.
He is racking up huge debts in the house and says I’m responsible for paying because I abandoned him, he says I have damaged his health so he can’t work, he accuses me of damaging the kids, he says I have mental health problems. I think he actually believes all of this (it’s like he’s bought into this whole alternative narrative so he doesn’t have to face what he’s done), and he shares his story with everyone he sees.
Even after leaving I am being held to the same unreachable standards as when I was there. And today I’m ready to scream!
Anyone got any advice on how to let the insults wash over you?

[Twisted Sister]

Hello LightbulbMoments

There is no way to stop him, which is why you did so well to leave. That is such a perfect way to describe what this feels like, continually pulling off the octopus suckers. It is horrible, and the only way is to stop contact, either that or report the abuse and get a non-mol against him to stop it.

IME ignoring can inflame it, answering in anyway will just give him what he’s wanting, engagement in his narrative. I can completely feel that place of utter exasperation with it all.

The leaving, and hoping that it will be better, I’m afraid it can mostly work the other way, that leaving makes him worse, makes him feel his loss of control over you and so ups the levels some notches.

You can imagine some kind of glass shield around you that don’t let the words through, and expecting that he will always do this and be this way and that it doesn’t matter to you anymore. What he mustn’t do, because you have the choice of whether to listen, take it in, or walk away, but the children don’t get subjected to it, because it is harmful to them. I mean, if they are older older, like left home then that isn’t the situation, but if they are still minors and being subjected to this, then it does have to stop.

I think you are right, he has created this whole false narrative to tell everyone else how awful you are, but he’s causing further financial issues right now, and this needs to be addressed, that his defaulting is deducted from any final settlement. I hope you have good counsel fighting this for you.

Do you have any support irl?

warmest wishes

ts

[LightbulbMoment]

Thank you so much for replying.
I feel really seen and understood by your insightful response (although I’m sorry that you are speaking from a place of experience).
I do have support. I’m incredibly lucky with family and friends, and frankly I don’t think I would have left without them.
The kids are great too. I just have one left at home now and we have developed a lovely little routine together. It’s just so sad the relationship with their dad has broken down to this extent. None of them are speaking to him because his behaviour is so problematic (directly towards them as well as towards me) – but obviously that’s all my fault as usual!
I like the idea of a glass shield. I think mine’s going to have to be slightly porous until the legal stuff gets underway, but at least it will prevent the worst of those tentacles getting through.
Yesterday was a tough day, today will be brighter.
I hope your day has moments of peace, light and joy x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi Lightbulb Moment,

Firstly, well done on leaving with your children, you are amazing and strong and will get through the legalities of it all. He has lost which is why he is ramping up the drama, debts and rages. Let him writhe in it because he is not your problem anymore.

Do you have any written evidence of him saying that the debts are your fault (utter nonsense) which you could share with your solicitor? Also, you mentioned your stuff is still in the shared house, is there any family or friend who could put some/all of it in storage for you? Or could they accompany you to collect it? You could even hire a professional removal person to do that.

I love Twister Sister’s glass shield tool too.

Wishing you and your children a healing journey away from his desperate attempts to claw back in. You all deserve better and you know this.

These men have this alternative universe because the real one they create is so horrible for them and unfortunately the rest of us involved.

Lots of love and hugs to you amazing lady x

[LightbulbMoment]

Thank you, Ewemoon.
‘He has lost which is why he is ramping up the drama, debts and rages’ – you are so right. And that’s exactly why it becomes so dangerous when they find out you are leaving and for some time after you leave.
For me and the kids it’s (almost entirely) psychological/emotional/financial, but there are small acts of violence, which keeps the threat of bigger stuff always there at the back of my mind.
Even now I’m bending over backwards not to upset him.
Sending lots of positive energy your way. xx

[Author]

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