Feel like I need regular reassurance that my relationship is unhealthy

[Mini1910@]

This may sound stupid, but in my heart of hearts I know that my relationship is unhealthy, probably always has been, but I feel like I need regular reassurance that my relationship is unhealthy, so that I can finally break away from it.

Over the years there has been infrequent but instances of physical abuse, never really leaving marks, but obviously frightening and upsetting. More regularly there has been putting me down, pulling me up on things and just generally making me feel rubbish about a whole host of things about me.

In addition to this, I know that my partner has been unfaithful, but despite all of this, I have stayed in the relationship because there are good times.

Recently, all of the stuff that has happened in the past has come to the forefront of my mind and will not go away. I know that even though there are good times, this up and down cycle will probably continue forever unless I break it. Even though I know this, I still have doubts and feel like I need someone to keep telling me that the relationship is unhealthy and it won’t change and it is better to be away from it.

It is really difficult to get the level of reassurance I need right now (I can’t stay waiting on phonelines for ages) and just wondered if there are any other suggestions about what I might do. It is scary to make the next step and I feel overwhelmed, particularly when doubt keeps creeping in.

[Lisa]

Hi Mini1910@

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service currently open 10am-4pm Monday to Friday. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

You may also like to look into Bloom. Bloom offers free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. You can find details here.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[EvenSerpentsShine]

From my own experience I also found it difficult to make decisions about my relationship, and probably that’s why I stayed such a very long time in it.
There had been many years of being told that:

1. all my decisions were flawed

2. my beliefs about other people were naieve

3. I didn’t understand how ‘real relationships’ worked.

4. Everything I thought was wrong.

And a lot more besides. So, it’s understandable if we can no longer trust our own thoughts, feelings or instincts about anything.

What you’re experiencing is completely expected if you have been in  a relationship that makes you doubt yourself all the time. It’s a good way to keep you trapped in it, and where he wants you.
Now that I’ve been out for a while I can see clearly how this worked really well on me and on keeping me ‘frozen’ in a state of suspended animation!

I hope you can find a way to trust your own feelings about this. Xx

 

[Author]

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