Feel like I post all the time but feel alone

[Sad and alone]

My husband is barely talking to me. In fact he isn’t saying anything unless I ask him something. He’s either snappy in response or acts all meek and wounded. I don’t know why it’s gone like this. He says I never approach him to sort things out because I enjoy being miserable but the last time I did it turned into the normal running down of me and who I am and criticising etc. I don’t want to hear it! But I don’t know how to get past this either. There’s a job that we have to do together and I asked him about it and he just said how he wasn’t looking forward to it. Neither am I as it’s an all day thing but we don’t have a choice. Just feeling sad, there’s no escape, and feel so uncomfortable in my own life. It seems never ending.

[minimeerkat]

bless your heart.  one way of controlling you & your emotions is with their ‘moods’.  because as you are finding out it leaves you feeling as uncomfortable you are – its impossible to relax & just be yourself isnt it

hope is the very last thing we let go of.   when we still have hope we will remain desperately unhappy so whilst we are still trying to tolerate a situation it can help to have absolutely no expectations & just get through our days in the best way we can x

[Anonymous]

Sad and alone is there any way you can escape and start again, anywhere at all? It sounds such a suffocating atmosphere to be in and you must feel so desperate now.

Aren’t they good at giving us no way to win in any conversation or situation, I understand the utter frustration of it and how your self-esteem diminishes. How on earth can you thrive and be at your best under those conditions.

For now, all you can do is dissociate from how’s he’s making you feel, not ideal but until you can find a way out, you need to unpick your emotional attachment to his hurtful comments, and escape in your own mind if you can. I used music (with headphones on) as I wasn’t allowed to just put it on, I could get lost in that for a while listening to something empowering that would fire me up.

I hope you are okay today

Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

I really wish there was. I just don’t know how to get there. I have responsibilities at home that I don’t feel I can just leave behind. Although maybe I should leave it all for him to sort out. It is so suffocating. I went out today and when I got back he has gone off somewhere around the place so haven’t seen him much but he is just ignoring me or talking to animals. I don’t know what his problem is. If I ask he’ll say it’s something I’ve done, I know he will. And I can’t undo whatever it is but he’ll use it against me. I’ve just been reading an example of this exact behaviour in Lundy Bancroft’s book – about collecting incidents in their head to use against you at a later date. We have to do the job tomorrow and I’m dreading it. It’s going to take a while and it’ll be even harder as the atmosphere will be horrendous. I swear the only place I am happy is when I go to bed and can sleep. It’s the only place I have peace from this awful feeling I’m living with. But even my sleep is getting disturbed now. And I feel like I’m getting anxiety issues as my chest gets tight and I find it hard to breathe. I have to try and calm myself with a breathing exercise or something. I can’t stay here much longer, I don’t know how to resolve this, I can’t see a way to go forward as he’s not making any effort at all. I swear he wasn’t like this when we got together. I don’t know how it all went so wrong.

[Better-days]

I have private messaged u x

[Karisqq]

Hey dear, it must be hard when your abusive spouse isn’t engaging in making the relationship. I’m not sure, but perhaps you can try not expect him to change, just hold a basic expectation, just focus on getting things done? This sounds basic but I know it can be tremendously hard. Remember his reactions don’t define who you’re, and don’t blame yourself for his reactions and actions. Feelings will past, and feelings aren’t exempted, hold on hope, accept your feelings, and wait them past. Remember to do things make you feel good, you’re the most qualified person to love yourself. Sending lots of love x

[Sad and alone]

So I got my job done with his help but not before we had to get everything out in the open. I was hoping to just be civil but he insisted on another rundown of my faults and behaviour. Said how he couldn’t believe I didn’t approach him to sort things out. I said the last time it just turned into a massive criticism of me and I didn’t have the energy to listen to it all again. He just kept saying the silence was all my fault basically.

Later in the week I told him I’d seen something and it was off again. In hindsight I shouldn’t have said anything but I can’t seem to switch it off. The day went very badly. At one point I tried to get away from him and went to the (detail removed by Moderator) but he sat outside still going on and on criticising and I couldn’t escape. He got in touch with my relative and said I had to go and stay with them. I spoke to them later, when I’d driven out to do something, and said we weren’t getting on and this might be it. Never said about the DA or DV. They said I could come and stay with them etc but they haven’t checked in with me since and almost a week ago. Maybe I’m selfish but I’d have at least messaged to see if they were okay. They sent me a message about something irrelevant and that was it. No mention of what had happened. Even though I’d said we might be splitting up. Maybe I’m just weird or horrible looking for a response but it made me feel like they didn’t care either. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just self-centred. But it made me feel alone yet again.

Recently had another job to do together and as usual something happened and he felt the need to start telling me what I should be doing about another situation. I didn’t have any choice to get away as we were in the middle of something but it’s like he used that opportunity knowing I couldn’t leave. At one point he told me to get away from him as if he pushed me it would be my fault, but I wasn’t anywhere near him and he was coming towards me. He always says physical things happen as I get in his face or too close to him but this was different as he was coming towards me. I don’t trust him any more.

Still the s**t continues. Every day. Scowling or complaining or criticising constantly. Making snide comments. Twisting things I say. Noticed him telling me to calm down and stop shouting etc when I know I’m not. And on the flip side he is getting irate and raising his voice but denies it.

[Sad and alone]

When I came home the other day he said we should write things out that we want from each other. I didn’t see the point but said (detail removed by moderator), and (detail removed by moderator). I am meant to (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator). But things are just as normal! He’s broken all three of what I said but despite me pointing this out he denies it. I had told him before I wasn’t doing a hobby anymore and actually changed this but he won’t see it.

I understand a lot of what he is complaining about with trouble from third parties. It’s a massive thing and they are in the wrong but he takes it out on me and blames me for not speaking up or challenging people. From outside it probably does look like I don’t support him and he gets upset as he thinks rumours are being spread about him and it’s not nice. But when I have got up the courage to say something to people he says what I say or do is wrong and I need to be smarter. So I don’t feel I can win.

[Sad and alone]

I have a couple of days away from him now as he has to work. He has said he doesn’t want to but is doing it as we need money and the business I have been struggling with isn’t bringing anything in. I have told him so many times I could get a part time job but he says it doesn’t make sense as I get paid peanuts and he can earn better money. This is the story of my life. I wanted a job to help meet people as well but it never worked out. But this will give him more ammunition against me and also make me feel guilty that he has to go.

[Sad and alone]

Feeling so confused. Neither of us are happy and our relationship is far from normal and barely a relationship. But the he’ll start talking about things in the future. Plans etc. And I think what are we doing?

Still feeling a bit of resentment towards my relative. They have a thing this week so have been messaging about that but not once mentioned anything like how am I, are things better… nothing. I just don’t get it. I was upset when I spoke to them on the phone so they must have realised it was serious, when I said my bags might be packed? Well maybe I’m expecting too much. I know when we message sometimes and I’ll say something sad or bad happened (not relationship related) it’s a short response and nothing after. No how are you. Maybe we’re not as close as I’d like to think. Or they have their own life to get on with. I know I’d be checking in with them about it if they’d told me the same. Again maybe this is me being selfish or expecting too much. I feel awful for saying it really but I literally don’t have anyone else.

[Sad and alone]

Was meant to be doing an activity (detail removed by moderator) but have cancelled it. Wasn’t planning on doing it anymore as struggling to find enthusiasm or joy for things but at his request to show an interest I thought I would make myself do it. So I was less prepared than normal and despite knowing the GP said I was more than likely suffering depression and that he thinks I went to see a professional about it he starts saying this is typical of what I’m like, I know what I should’ve been doing. I said I’d been struggling with the way things are and he says I have nothing to struggle about. (detail removed by moderator) So I said I’d cancel it as want to enjoy it and not be unhappy. I’m so unhappy.

[Sad and alone]

(detail removed by moderator) He says he does everything for me and I do nothing. He is there to help me whenever I need it. In the past when he has got like this over things I may go back on my decision and do whatever it is. He plays reverse psychology on me I think as he suggests I should prove him wrong in what he says. But I’m not. If I go I know there’ll be atmosphere and I won’t enjoy it. I can’t enjoy anything knowing things are the way they are here. He has brushed off me saying I’m struggling with the way things are, he says he doesn’t want to hear things like that from me. Why? When I’m being honest? He accuses me of being bad for cancelling things (as I have before) but I think maybe it’s because I’ve controlled the decision and not him? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Sad and alone]

Just had more of being told I am a bad person and need to change. Says how he had been looking forward to the activity. Makes me feel guilty for cancelling but I was upset last night and don’t see a way forward. He says he wasn’t interested in listening to me telling him how I feel and that I was acting like a child. How I should just be positive. I said I can’t control what he decides to get upset about. He says he is working and I do nothing and I have so much and don’t see it. I said he never said sorry for what he said, or for making me upset, and I believe that something would happen at the activity that would displease him and he’d make comments like has happened before. I just feel so low I don’t want to put myself in the position to be criticised any more. He keeps saying I am making him ill.
(detail removed by moderator)

[Sad and alone]

Being told I have to go again. If I didn’t feel like I had responsibilities here I would. He says I’m not allowed to say I don’t care about things but then he says he doesn’t care about how I feel and that’s alright. Tells me that he doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say about the way I feel and then asks do I not appreciate him and all he’s doing for us. I’m meant to care about that and when I say I do appreciate what he does etc he says I should show this by changing the way I am. How am I?! I must be a horrendous person and just not realise it.

[Sad and alone]

And the ending to it all. I now feel upset and guilty and disappointed in myself that I didn’t do the activity today. (detail removed by moderator). Having him screw his face up at me and spit his venomous bs. I think we go to the activity and it’s all fake in front of other people and get back here and it’ll all be the same. I want to do these things with someone who really loves me ffs.
I said to him can we just get along. I’m exhausted of being upset. Basically he doesn’t want to hear about my mental health or depression, he’s not interested. I have to be respectful of him and what he does and how he feels though. And I have to change everything bad about myself and be better. Which is impossible as I don’t know what I do to upset him half the time. I can’t control his reactions to me. He says one of us will end up dead if things carry on the way they are.

[Sad and alone]

I have been okay, coasting along, staying under the radar. We had a day out seeing a couple of people and managed to avoid any confrontation. He made a couple of comments and was short with me but ignored it or laughed them off.
Then we had an incident involving a third party that we have trouble with. I heard voices and saw him talking so went and stood with him and was involved with the discussion, said what I thought, was backing him up and acting like a team. All the things he says he wants to see from me instead of me hiding and letting him do it all. Afterwards discussed it, seemed fine. Much later he suddenly started saying how the other person had asked me directly what I thought about something. How they were doing that as they knew I was weak. I said it didn’t really matter as I told them what I thought. But then he says what I’d said wasn’t really good enough, or clear enough, how he’d been saying it straight out to this person and I hadn’t. I literally can’t do anything more! And it’s so frustrating how everything seemed okay and then later, after he’d been on his own doing something, he came back saying that. It’s like he’s constantly wanting to create conflict. Now we don’t seem to be talking again. I’m sure I’m expected to ask him if he wants to talk again.

[Sad and alone]

He started talking to me but has been snappy and critical. Said to me about doing something and I said to grab what we needed and I went to quickly do something else. He walked off and started another job, something we were meant to do together later on, then came back saying it had gone wrong and he really needed me there and how he’d waited for me x amount of minutes earlier and I hadn’t come so that’s why he’d left. I said he didn’t get anything ready for what we were going to do, could have been doing that, or come to say he was ready. I wasn’t that long really but everything has to happen exactly when he says. Then later comes to help with something else and starts saying I’m doing it wrong, then it’s hurry up. Ignore that. Then he says I should have done something, which I pointed out to him I had said about yesterday and he’d overruled saying no. So it’s obviously going to be awkward for the rest of the day as he keeps going off in a strop. Don’t know what else I expect.

[Sad and alone]

Another incident the other day – we both get cash for things we sell sometimes and keep it in the same place. The other day he said he’d taken the cash as it was from what he’d sold and put it somewhere. I pointed out that x amount was from something I had sold and he tells me there was only the money he’d got in the place we keep it. I think he is gas-lighting me. I know any cash I get I put it there. I haven’t spent it as I save it for when I need to buy certain things. He says it’s in the other room and only the amount he’s made. I wouldn’t have hidden it away. But now he’s making me doubt myself. Like I’ve put it somewhere and forgotten. He has taken to writing things down he thinks I’m going to say or do so he can pull it out should I say/do it and say he knew I’d say or act that way. I keep telling him I’m not playing his stupid games. I can believe he has the money and would admit to it later and then try and justify why he had taken it. I feel like I can’t remember a lot of things sometimes, I don’t know why that it. Whether it’s some sort of mental block or issue from being in this atmosphere all the time. But it does make me worry that I have for example put this money somewhere and can’t remember doing it or where it is.

[Sad and alone]

Can’t cope with that feeling where they seem displeased with you but you don’t know why. Fine one minute and later making comments again. It just doesn’t seem to stop. The cycle continues. Talking about the future here and then being snappy. He’s decided to wear his wedding ring after years. I don’t know why.

[Karisqq]

I always wonder whether they’re truly displeased or they just use it as a tool to manipulate us. The thing is we all know it isn’t our faults, but we just can’t help but feeling anxious and guilty when they’re displeased or unreasonable. Sometimes I also feel like I have had enough emotional outbursts or panic attack due to that.

[Author]

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