Feel like I’m going crazy

[Ground down]

Hello and thank you for having me here. I’m looking for some identification to help me, because at this point I genuinely feel like I’m losing my grip on reality. My back story is that I’ve been in a long marriage with children, and I didn’t know what a red flag even was back in those days. There were a few explosive outbursts in the days before my daughter was born, but I put them done to a one-off as the rest of the time he seemed ‘so nice’. In fact I couldn’t believe my luck that someone like him- good looking, good job, faithful, wanted the same things as me- wanted to marry me. Fast forward to the first baby being born and I stopped work. From that minute the financial abuse started, and he moved me away to a different town. I remember those days, just me and the baby, trudging around the town looking for the cheapest places to buy food. He didn’t give me enough money and would berate me for serving substandard food. I was completely bewildered. The sexual abuse began; I would get more money in exchange for favours. He was always very careful to make sure that he could justify everything as reasonable, and to make sure he wouldn’t be seen to do anything ‘bad’. Then came more babies and several more moves. As the abuse worsened, I began to seek help- first a counsellor who flatly refused to work with us as a couple, as she said it was an abusive relationship. I had no idea until thst point that there was a name for what I’d been going through. Then various professionals began to identify from signs in my family life, that there may be abuse going on. In short, I have been told by several people that I am in an abusive relationship.
The reason I feel like I’m going crazy is because during the peaceful times, I begging to doubt the abuse, and begin to wonder if it’s my fault. It’s like my body and soul knows that what I’ve suffered is horrific, but my logical mind begins to dismantle my reasons for staying.
It’s got to the point that I’m completely paralysed by indecision and doubt. I know I need to go, but then I wonder if it’s all a terrible mistake, and I’m somehow wrong.
I know that for my own well-being and my children’s, I need to leave, and soon. But the feeling that I’m doing this terrible wrong thing is so overpowering that I end up doing nothing.
I’m so low, so traumatised, and so confused. Part of me thinks I have to wait until another awful episode happens before I am ‘allowed’ to leave; I feel that if I leave now, while he’s being nice, everyone will say I’m crazy and I won’t be believed, that I’ll ruin his life. I know that none of these things are true, and that his happiness is not my responsibility, but the feelings of doubt feel so real. I’m struggling so much to access the part of me that says ‘No! Enough!’ Is this normal??

[Lisa]

Hi Ground down,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I’m glad that you’ve found this space to get support and hope that you find it useful.

The feelings that you describe are completely normal in this situation. Your post will strongly resonate with so many of the other women on this forum.

One of the things that can make domestic abuse so confusing is exactly the cycling between the types of behaviour. Abusers can seem like perfect partners at times, very loving and caring. These “nice” phases are part of the abuse too, making you question your sense of reality and making it harder for you to leave.

You’re experiencing domestic abuse and you can get support whether you’re ready to leave or not, support can help you get to that point of leaving if it’s what you want. From the other women on this forum, of course, but if you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You could also reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Atsah]

So sorry to hear the situation you are in and how you are feeling.I was married for many years and have children i went to leave and then he was going through that’being nice’to me phase and I thought like you it must be me.I said to him i need friends because he had made sure all my friends didn’t contact me anymore i had only one friend at work.he said he understood and that he knew I needed female company and would ‘let’ me see my friend.this was first time i had even been out for coffee with anyone since my marriage.it was so lovely to go out on the odd occasion but then i would have take the consequences he would check my mileage to make sure i had only been to where i said i was going and not given my friend a lift home,he would ask how much i had spent and what on because he controlled the money and eventually he was so rude to her when she came round we stopped going out.she still remained my friend though and i spoke to her at work and she supported me when i finally got the courage to move out.i am not going to pretend it’s easy to leave because it’s not which is why i stayed far too many years but you will find the strength to do this.whether he is being ‘nice’ or not for a while he won’t ever change he is abusive and you deserve not to have him ruin your life anymore and have your freedom so thet you don’t have to walk on egg shells all the time wondering whether he is in a good mood or not..there is never a right time.i wish you well.you are not alone.

[browneyedmum]

Big hugs GD,

I find it confusing as well during the peaceful times.

I think I tend to compartmentalise things in order to cope. So its almost like… when things have gone quiet or things seem to be going well, its almost like I ‘forget’. But I’ve made a few posts here. And then I’ve logged incidents with the children’s school and with our local domestic abuse service. So I’ll go reread those to remind myself, yes he does significant harm to me and our children. Yes, he is in fact so entitled that he puts himself first always. Yes, he has humiliated me in so many inhumane ways and that is not how a loved one should be treated.

A friend of mine told me, “You can’t be in a relationship where you don’t feel safe, loved, or respected.” and I’ve held on tight to that, because even when things are peaceful, I don’t feel safe, loved, and respected.

I’ll go back to reread Lundy’s Bancroft’s book: Why Does He Do That? (it is available online for free if you know where to look) to remind myself of all of these things. And actually, without having read that book, I would have been confused as to why your first counsellor refused to work with you and your partner as a couple.

The book is a real eye-opener and I found that it helped provide me clarity. I’ve been gaslit by my husband for so many years, it was at first hard to pick apart… because I tried so hard to believe him, including all of the parts where he was telling me that it was all my fault. I always knew in my heart that even though someone may have problems, is feeling low, they still have the ability to choose how they behave. Now that I know and understand all that, and I can spot another selfish/abusive move by him from a mile away. Its been less confusing for me since.

You are not crazy and you will be believed by those who really care. You won’t ruin his life– he’s already done that to himself in the way that he’s treated you.

I hope that helps relate that your feelings, while you think you’re ‘going crazy’ is all a part of the smoke and mirrors that your partner throws out there to keep you confused, distressed, and dependent so that his needs continue to get served … rather than allowing you to think for yourself and have your own opinion, divergent of his.

[Ground down]

Hi everyone and thanks for replying. * There’s a trigger warning here as I will be discussing sexual abuse, though not in detail *

It’s nice (in a strange, sad way) to know that others feel the same conflicting feelings. Thank you both for replying, abs im so glad to read that you have made it out to the other side, Atsah, and your post really resonates, browneyedmum. There’s a lot of wisdom to draw on here.
I think I gaslight myself, and the rumination is endless. Literally years and years of my life have been spent thinking and wondering abs trying to figure out if I’m overreacting, if I’m crazy.

I know deep down that I’m not, and that I’m being horrifically abused. And I can’t believe it but have an update since the last post- I am now awaiting an emergency occupation order and non molestation order. It’s been a crazy few days but the last episode of sexual abuse completely broke me. I found myself crying hysterically at my sister’s house and she helped me contact a helpline – I’m not sure if I can say the name of it – and from there, things have snowballed and the fog is finally clearing.
I had been to see a solicitor recently to discuss options for divorce but the sticking point was always where to live- I wanted to avoid refuge if possible. Not because I’m knocking it; far from it. But because my children have special needs and I don’t think they’d cope with the change. I hadn’t been explicit enough with my solicitor about how bad the abuse has been, but after talking on the helpline, I’ve gone back and told the solicitor everything, and they think that I have grounds for an occupation order, so I can stay in the home with the kids.
It’s a very strange and surreal feeling, to think that I’ve put this into motion, and it will be happening, and soon, with any luck. I look at my husband with sadness and guilt and think, this will probably be one of the last nights I have to sleep next to him. I feel awful for the shock he will get, but that’s what we do, isn’t if? We take on the blame and the shame. Even when they’ve done it to themselves. I have already served a life sentence with what I’ve endured, I’m still feeling bad about causing this man an inconvenience and upset.
I feel like I’m rambling, I’m extremely exhausted and my nerves are all jangled, but I wanted to post and thank you for letting me share my thoughts and feelings. Peace and freedom to you xx

[browneyedmum]

Peace and Freedom to you too @Grounddown. How are you getting on? xX.

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