Feel like I’m sinking

[Everhopeful321]

Hi,

I’m still really struggling with the while is it abuse question, I just can’t get my head round it.
We have good days – these are days without mood swings/outbursts, and I read about the cycle of abuse on here – good days, followed by incidents but for me, it feels like it can change so quickly, it can be hour by hour, day by day, something happens and all of a sudden things are not fine. Sometimes I feel it building, other times it just comes out of nowhere. Sometimes I feel I cause it because I get anxious because I feel it coming!

At the moment, I’m supporting him in doing something new for him that will involve (detail removed by Moderator). I have been supportive of this because I feel that it would be great for his confidence and self worht if he were able to do it, he is extremely insecure. But I have this nagging voice in my head that I know he wouldn’t do the same for me – wouldn’t be supportive, would be obstructive – I wouldn’t even be able to consider it, I can’t leave the house withou his say so.

what do I do? If I tell him how it makes me feel, he’ll accuse me of being unsupportive, will probably back out and blame me so I know I will just carry on supporting him. But I feel so worthless because I know he just won’t see it from my side, but at the same time, I want him to succeed! Because in my head, then maybe he’ll see how partners should support each other? But he probably won’t! This probably makes no sense but I just feel so confused.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Everhopeful321

This is so sad isn’t it. d’you know, as I was reading that, I was thinking exactly the same, and then you wrote it, ‘I know he wouldn’t do the same for me’. Love is about giving, about acts of love, showing you care, without those acts, there is no love. Its clear you love him, but he’s managed to turn that around and make you feel like you don’t do enough, need to do more, don’t love him, etc. Whereas, he’s the one not loving you, and its horrible to know this. He has love, and he can’t see it, or can’t ever accept it. You can’t change that, and you can exhaust yourself trying and he will still pour hate on you, instead of the love you should have.

You have proved beyond doubt, your will to make this work, your love for him, and he has shown you time and again his hatred, his mistrust and disloyalty.

This is what his behaviour does, make you feel you are going in circles and not making sense…except for on here, on the forum the way you speak does ring loud and clear for your experiences with him. It makes absolute sense, because we can see the abuse, and so can you. Nothing can change, only you. You can change your perspective on him and believe in yourself about the things you already know and speak of. Its devastating to really know these things of someone you love, who is supposed to love you, but you can have change in your life, you just can’t effect change in him. Its extremely unlikely that his behaviour will change sadly, despite all of your best efforts, and we’ve all travelled the same road, walked that painfully stoney path barefoot. Put some lovely soft shoes on and take another path, one that leads to happiness for you. YOu have my total understanding, and you understand this yourself also. Look after you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Eyesopening]

Wow what a beautifully written reply TS.. you said it all so well.
Ever hopeful, I know exactly how you feel and what your going through. I also had the same cycle of abuse happening in mere hours.
Its so painful to accept they are actually abusing us, the men we love so deeply. It’s take a ridiculous amount of time for me to try to accept it, i left a long time ago and still doubt sometimes. Its just proof of their abuse, our confusion
Keep reaching out xx

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you – I think my philosophy for years has been flawed. Where he would dislike me going out without him when we were younger because he always said it wasn’t me he was worried about, it was other people – I always told myself that if he learned that he had nothing to fear and that I could be trusted he would eventually not feel this way, not need to control. The opposite has in fact happened, I’m not able to go anywhere without his say so, he now would argue that do so is ‘not what you normally do’. In the same way that I have always tried to support him with work, giving up my work to help him in his business I now have no say in my life, I just don’t matter, yet my logic tells me that he should be able to see that he could support me back? I suppose it’s the one-sided-ness of it all that points to abuse, no matter how much you give, it’s not enough and nothing is returned. But to leave – my worry is him, that he won’t function, will blame me, make me and the children feel guilty, sorry for him, all of which keeps me here, trying harder

[Eyesopening]

It’s because we are good people and believe they are also a good person. They take advantage of that and thats how they abuse us into giving our all and then keep hoping they will reciprocate x

[Twisted Sister]

…like I say, there isn’t enough you could ever do.

You always were blamed, still blamed, and will go on being blamed. Once you face this, and accept it, you will be free to take the path you choose, with the softer shoes.

[Everhopeful321]

Ps – I love the idea of soft shoes, another path…there’s got to be another way

[Scarecrow]

Hi Everhopeful321,

Having spent the majority of my adult life in an abusive relationship I can, hand on heart, tell you that you know the truth – even though it may take some time for you to admit it to yourself fully. For me, admitting it to myself meant that I (personally) felt that because I knew what he was doing to me and the kids was abuse, that I had to face it and do something about it. I am not saying for a second that you have to do that, just that was how i felt. I think sometimes our brains protect us a little by not letting us fully recognise what is happening all in one go.

There is no one size fits all answer to these things, but please know that you are not alone, that we are all here for you and that there is no such thing as a silly question.

Be kind to yourself

Hugs

Scarecrow x

[nbumblebee]

Oh sweetie your words couldve come from my mouth.
I support love and encourage my husband all the time but he wont even allow me to talk about my day. Would telling him make a difference? I tell mine so often but he never listens he just takes the p**s and it makes me feel worse so I just sit there listen to his day nod in all the right places whilst wishing I could share wishing I had support. Its a tough sad lonley life right? I hate every day I really do yet still I cant accept its abuse I just cant allow that d**n word into my head.

But you dont have to live this way, like twisted sister so well put you can walk another path sweetie. When you are ready reach out for some help someone who can guide you and go walk another path. Sorry I cant help more but know that you are not alone.
Much love stay safe stay strong x

[Everhopeful321]

It’s like I want to talk but I can’t. I have in the past to mum, to a friend but like so many people say on here, I feel they must be fed up of it. And their only solution is to say leave, which is exactly what I would say, but I’m just so frozen. The sinking feeling is definitely getting worse for me and I’m just finding it hard to hold it together and the person that I want to talk to is the one that is the problem.

[Eyesopening]

I also remember that very well. It’s heartbreaking.
I found my brother was really great to speak to, also I had a support worker from my local domestic abuse
Services, i talked to my gp, i was on here ALL the time. Telling ordinary people was difficult because its so hard for them to understand. I self referred to nhs therapy which was so valuable. Also i did the freedom program which is so so good. Keep reaching out, even if it is just here xx

[nbumblebee]

Yeah i understand this too. I have a (detail removed by Moderator)  it has taken me 2 years but I finally opened up he was great but (detail removed by Moderator)  so now I am again on my own and I just want to cry. BUT i remember how telling him made me feel and how nice it is to have someone there so I will try and share again I will try and find someone to trust because I cant do this in ny own I just cant and I am guessing nor can you.
It really is hard to trust to open up its the hardest thing you will do sweetie but also the bravest the bestest. People can only help if they know whats going on. Xx

[Everhopeful321]

So I’m having a really rough few days, another unexpected bill seems to have set him off again but his rage is directed at me over not immediately telling about a msg I’d received (an unimportant msg that I would have told him about given five minutes) and has escalated since then, I don’t know how, to the point that he was threatening suicide right in front of me whilst shouting that I make everything worse. I know he’s stressed, I know I don’t have all the answers but this is just awful. Today he is withdrawn, sulky, moody and I just feel like I can’t cope

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Everyhopeful321

sorry that you’ve been having a super rough time these last days, all over a bill it seems.

He’s drawing you into his world of misery, no wonder you feel so dreadful. Its got to be so hard living around this level of moody, sulky, stressed and threats of suicide on top.

Be careful though, all of these states of distress he is showing you may be purely punishment against you because he can rely on it making you feel dreadful. You see, they are the master puppeteers, and love nothing more than to see someone feeling miserable because of them, he has gained control of all your emotions.

I know of many times when abusers such as this will threaten suicide and desperation, whilst internally be happily enjoying the effect on the abused that they have brought upon them to make them suffer. They often don’t feel suicidal in any way, but if it works and makes the abused docile and upset, then they have achieved their aim, your emotions are controlled by him.

His stress is not a problem for you to solve, its his problem, and his alone. Yes you can be a listening ear, but you don’t owe him. He has to deal with his own life, just as you are doing in reaching out here and seeking to understand and find answers. Take a look at how much he does to help himself…is it zero? He makes zero efforts to sort his life out and is happy to load it all onto you?

Go out and leave him to his moods. he’s getting what he wants from life, you are not, but you can change that if you want. Don’t let him see the changes in you as this will likely lead to more of the same from him, and escalation also. If he threatens suicide again tell him you wil have to call for help because his threats are scaring you. If he continues then call the police who will have to come to check he’s ok.

Do keep talking and getting the help for you. Prioritise your own health and well-being.

warmest wishes

ts

[Camel]

Hi Everhopeful123

I remember how exhausting and confusing and stressful every day is when everything depends on someone else’s mood. If he’s having a bad day he’ll make certain you have a worse one. Generally there’s no logical reason. These men can start a row in an empty room. They get off on the drama of it and don’t care what it’s about. He will never see things from your angle, sadly.

It does seem that he’s changing tactics so maybe he senses that you’re questioning everything? Please be careful and definitely don’t try to reason with him or suggest he’s abusive. His control is escalating. I don’t want to alarm you but you do need to keep yourself safe.

[Author]

Posts