Feel silly calling it DV

[Groovychic22]

So I’ve finally left me husband of (timeframe removed by Moderator) years after not being able to take anymore.
he quit marriage counselling (specific detail removed by Moderator) times because she called him abusive. Then when I’d threaten to leave he would go back for a few month- and the cycle would continue.
Our therapist has stated he and his actions are extremely abusive- he’s admitted he knows they are abusive- I’ve spoken with (service name removed by Moderator) who stated it is domestic abuse.
yet I spoke with my mum who when I mentions Dv she said well he doesn’t hit you does he.
I feel stupid admitting to people how much he has destroyed me even tho I’ve been validated by an externally party who has experienced and worked with us both for (timeframe removed by Moderator).
there where some good time, he did make a effort occasionally but me flowers, do the washing & Cook so it makes you question everything.
I guess what I’m asking is should I feel bad for stating it’s domestic abuse?

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I don’t think you should feel bad saying to all that it’s domestic abuse as it sounds pretty clear that it is.

Your Mum sounds like she has a really simplistic and outdated and naive take on abuse. That’s not her fault, maybe she’s lucky enough not to have had to learn about abuse in her life.
But it doesn’t mean you have to take any notice of her opinions.

You know within yourself how you feel about what’s happened in your marriage.
There are always good times in these relationships. These men are often funny, fun, sexy and charming. Plus we have a shared history with them, it’s never straightforward.
If it helps you to get support then admit to all that you feel abused. If you don’t want or need to talk about it to anyone except a really trusted few, then don’t. Find your own way to get the support you need and try not to be buffered too much by the opinions of others.

Your opinion is the important one.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Sorry meant to say buffetted by the opinions of others. Now I write it though it looks all wrong! Blown around like a ship in a storm, that’s what I mean 🤭

[StrongLife]

I agree with above poster – they can be charming and lovely bring you flowers then turn into abusers in seconds.

 

I underestimated its impacts initially. I was too traumatised to know.

[Cherries]

If you struggle, imagine the scenarios you’ve been through, but with  two other people.

How do you feel about it viewing it from that angle?

Doesn’t always work mind but it has helped me find clarity in the past.

Mums are not always helpful…I remember my own saying how can he rape you he’s your husband so….yeah.

I struggle with this too with my current.  He’s manipulative and relies on guilt and it’s much harder to quantify especially when there are BIG ‘nices’ in there too.

But relying on it the above technique I’ve managed to realise that some of it is downright unhealthy, and no he will never admit it….because he did that NICE thing how can he be so bad…now I’m just plain ungrateful.

It doesn’t all have to be good, or all have to be bad, or even labelled as abuse.. if you ask them not to and they continue and it’s a reasonable thing then at best there is zero respect for us which is no basis for a healthy relationship x

 

[Fallingleaves]

I can really relate to this, and no you shouldn’t feel silly to call it DV, although I completely understand where you’re coming from. I still struggle to call my ex abusive and constantly look for validation that I haven’t imagined it all (it’s why I’m on here tonight I think!)

I think it can be really difficult for people, and even ourselves, to call it DV especially when there’s no physical violence involved.

It’s always worth remembering that the NICE bits are actually part of the problem too, as that’s what makes it so confusing. If there were b****y horrible 100% of the time we’d never of stayed in the first place! We constantly hold out hope for a glimmer of that “nice” version, and when we get it we think we must’ve imagined the horrible bits and/or blame ourselves.

I always think it’s useful to remember that whatever you call it, if it made you feel unsafe, unhappy, depressed, fearful etc, then that’s enough to want out and deserve to not feel like that. x

Also, parents can be particularly unhelpful, I remember my mum being upset about me leaving my ex, and I soon realised that the reason it’d taken me so long is because I’d inherited all of my mums sense of responsibility, guilt and shame (she stuck with my emotionally manipulative and alcoholic dad her whole life) so of course she wasn’t going to understand things from my point of view. I don’t know your situation, but chances are there might be views / cycles etc that have been passed down through generations and your mum is showing her part in that with her response.

Sending love

[StrongLife]

I initially did not think it was dv.

I now realise he hurt me physically and financially and emotionally. It’s easy to dismiss a lot of things especially if it’s a long marriage. Financially did not come to later.

The joint therapist recognised this for you when he was there and named it. It is good you have a professional there validating this. I had no idea this is domestic violence until someone gave me a telephone number for a d v agency because he had thrown me and the kids out yet again.

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