Feel so exploited and ashamed

[Lifeinterrupted]

I can’t stop crying today. I don’t know if its because counselling is bringing up so much that I had buried deeply inside me, but I feel overwhelmed with it all.
Even though I have been “free” for a long time, so many things are only just hitting me. I’ve only recently been diagnosed with PTSD.

I was (detail removed by moderator) l when my ex started pursuing me; he was (detail removed by moderator) older than me and very worldly. I felt so special that he had chosen me, and was utterly bedazzled by the lovebombing and his charisma (as were plenty of other people).Looking back, it was so predatory, and makes me feel sick and angry. I feel so exploited, I know now that I was coerced to do things sexually that were risky and that I wasn’t comfortable with. It wasn’t rape, but it wasn’t right. But I didn’t say no or speak up, so maybe I consented. At the time, I was so eager to make him happy, so brainwashed…and there was emotional and physical abuse also. I feel like I became a passive participant in my own life for those years.

I’m struggling to deal with it all today, the shame and guilt are huge. Will I ever get over this? I wish I could just bury it all.

[Darcy]

Good afternoon my beautiful angel… lifeinterupted
Firstly well done for coming through all you have gone through and posting so openly and honestly.
You have clearly been through a lot which is going to take time to heal
That’s brilliant you have found a counsellor and yes emotions will rise up as you work through them. At these times remind yourself how far you have come, and all the blessings and freedom you now have in your life.
Let the emotions rise, forgive yourself and send yourself some healing love.
Life is a journey but I can certainly see you are heading in the right direction.
Pull on the forum for support and no that you are loved and never alone
Sending you my love and support
D x*x

[Lifeinterrupted]

Thank you, Darcy. I talked about it a bit at counselling last night, which helped a lot. Ive never spoken about it out loud before. The shame and anger are still raw but I realise I didn’t stand much of a chance at such a tender age. I am trying to accept these feelings as a natural to my experiences.

I have realised I am holding some anger towards the people in my life who should really have been looking out for me back then. In particular, I had confided a little bit in a teacher, who only dropped a vague hint to my parents that my boyfriend “wasn’t very nice”. Nowadays it would be a safeguarding concern. I suppose things have changed and I need to forgive. I need to work through that.

[Darcy]

Hi My angel … lifeinterrupted,
Understand that this is a process and it will take some time to unravel.
Stay with the counselling if you feel you have found a good therapist to work with, it will feel uncomfortable and upsetting at times, but these emotions need to be released for you to truly move on and heal.
I completely understand that you feel let down, and you were… for whatever reasons
there is no excuse.
However try to work through this and let it go. Maybe journal on this and write your feelings down. There could be many different reasons you weren’t safe guarded and if you have bitterness about this it will only eat you up while they are getting on with their lives…when you know better you do better.
I don’t know if you meditate … but maybe something you could try is just sitting quietly for a while and visualizing that young girl (you) who no one protected … once you have her in your mind, you (as your adult self) go over to her and ask her what she needs from you, take her hand , give her a hug , tell her you will protect her, and anytime you feel that this young girl needs you you will be there for her now and she will not get hurt again.
This is called inner child work, you may want to google it and find out a little bit more about it.
I could also recommend some books if you read or have audible.
Stay in touch my darling you are doing a great job
D xx

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