Feel so sad and sick of life

[SmallSteps@aTime]

Its been (removed by moderator) years since the big incident of the assault and him going to prison and in that time so much has happened. I feel like those (removed by moderator)  years haven’t gone..that I am back to that horrible place I first got myself into….time is moving but I feel like I am stationary.

Over the last few years he has come and gone out of my life at his own accord with a new girl in his life every year. But he’s never really left – he has always found a way back to either speak with me or see me. Usually its when things aren’t going so great with the new girl (or atleast thats what I think).

So the past few months he had been making me feel really guilty about the RO against him. I decided to have it discharged. I wrote to the court and attended a hearing. I asked them to remove it completely that we were in a “positive” friendship. The judge refused to have the entire thing removed, she said that he was charged with the highest form of common assault and he blamed me for everything. She said that she will not allow him anywhere near my house. (Detail removed by moderator)  The desperate parts of me are even considering forging a letter to say that it is removed just so that he can stop talking about it.

Anyways (removed by moderator),  – most of my friends didn’t say much (removed by moderator). I was feeling sad and he messaged me – (removed by moderator) and asking if I wanted to meet. I met up with him. After an hour or so of talking he asked if I could give him a hug. So I did. Then he decided to put his hands down my pants. I didn’t say anything. I let him do what he wanted, even though it hurt and didn’t feel good. I pretended that it was okay. Quiet quickly after it he said he had to go. (Detail removed by moderator).  He didn’t say anything else and then after that he has been distant and not replying for hours. Its like he will constantly talk to me when it suits him and then just go quiet – giving me nothing.

I saw a picture of him and his girlfriend recently and it made me really really sad. I felt used and cheap for what happened (removed by moderator) . Why did he do that to me if he is so happy in his relationship? Sometimes I ask myself whether I am just crazy and making all this stuff up in my head. Sometimes I also imagine how it would feel to be able to sleep and never wake up. Never having to worry or go crazy about what he might be thinking or doing.

I feel like I will never find anyone, I have been broken to a point where I smile and stand strong but internally I am just dying , hoping for peace. I don’t think my life will ever change, I am a pathological lair. Maybe I deserve everything I get. Why can’t i stand up for myself and say No or ask what is going on or why is he doing this to me. I am weak and an embarrassment.

When will this end 🙁

[lover of no contact]

Hi smallsteps,

Its so good you posted about all this. You feel so awful because you are in contact with him. And he is poison, pure poison. Contact with him weakens you (and empowers him) that why you feel weakened. Seems like he has a lot of Power and Control over you due to the fear you rightly have of him as he is dangerous (assaulted you so badly (detail removed by moderator) years ago).

Sounds like you’d be afraid to go no contact with him. That’s where this Forum can help you. Keep reading the other ladies posts and keep posting yourself. Even though he is your ex and he is in other relationships you are still his emotional punch bag. And thats why you are feeling so bad as you are being badly abused at the moment by your ex.

Keep posting and ring Women’s Aid for support so you can get this dangerous, violent, intimidating man out of your life. Classic abuser in that he intermittently gives you a few positive crumbs of conversation to keep you confused.

You will get away from him with support, lots of it, and you will feel 100 per cent better than you do today. We’ve all been there or still there. You are not alone in this.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Do not remove this thing he is keeping moaning at u about, he willonly hurt u or someone else again, as for him thinking its ok to mess with your head, block him immediately and keep no contct with him, i woukld ask your friends and family tomake sure u never contact him, i get days when i stupidly still miss my ex, dont ask me why, my mum gives me a gentle firm talk that i ned to keep away and never ask about him and wellmy lovely friends who know about abuse say blantly do u want to be killed, dotn u dare call him or miss him, i think we need to hear this . I keep a rule and kept when i was struggling to break contact he is not allowed to hug me, not allowed to touch me , and keep conversation bare minimum to discuss kids only. They pull us in , just to use us and keep hurting us, remind yourself why u left and ask why would u want a guy like that

[Ayanna]

You need to go zero contact for the rest of his life.
(detail removed by moderator)

What you need to do is to learn to love yourself and to value yourself most of all persons.

Can you get counselling?

If you have a local ‘Mind’, they offer self confidence groups and courses.

You need to work on yourself.

You are precious and you are worth all the happiness in the world.

You do not need such a low life near you.
You are born for better.
Carry your head high because you have been through a lot and you came out the other end.

Plan to do good things to yourself several times a week. Write them into a diary and tick them every time you do them.
These can be small things, a hot bath, going for a walk, attending a free event, …

And talk to us!
Keep posting!

[Author]

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