Feeling Bad For Him After Hes Attacked You

[Random.]

Can anyone make sense of feeling like you want the other person to feel ok and even feeling guilty after they’ve been the ones who have assaulted you?? I felt terrible for him yesterday even though I was the one left with bruises & unable to walk properly after a particularly nasty beating..

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. Abusers push us off a Cliff then run down and rescue us. Twisted mind games x

[maddog]

Firstly take photos of your injuries and see your GP. There are lots of issues involved when we stay with an abuser. It’s absolutely NOT your fault. You didn’t attack him. So many of us think the abuser will change. Sometimes we stay because we love them. Often we have issues with co-dependency. There is Trauma Bonding to consider and the trauma of being beaten itself.

Abusers are pitiful, so in a way for you to feel sorry for him is very appropriate. We do whatever we need to do to survive.

It doesn’t make you safe though. Please get in touch with Women’s Aid and they can help you through the next bit.

How can you be responsible for someone else’s behaviour? If it were someone in the street who attacked you, you would be mortified. If they said it was your fault because you were pointing at them you would still be horrified. There is never an excuse for abuse, either physical or emotional. He attacked you because he could and because he wanted to. He gets his kicks by hurting you. It’s terrible and sad that people are born or made this way but it certainly isn’t your responsibility or your fault.

Your feelings under the circumstances are normal. You can make the journey from abuse. He will remain an abuser forever. Make that call and speak to your GP.

[Escapee]

Trigger warning!!

I was watching the accident and there’s an incidence of DA in the first episode…..she too comforts him after he has beaten her so this is must been seen as part for the course as I’m sure the researchers would have looked into this.

I wouldn’t recommend watching it as it will be very triggering and there’s no prewarning.

[Random.]

Thanks for you all of yours advice.
It is just so frustrating. I want to hate him so much for what he keeps repeatedly doing to me, it would make things so much easier and clear cut but I just look at him when he’s feeling down about himself and it makes me feel as though I just need to apologise for him so it’ll go away.
It’s definitely co-dependancy in the most unhealthy way!
My gp surgery is aware of what’s going on already as I have been referred to MARAC a few times now, they have prescribed me sleeping pills to help me deal with the insomnia aspect & I meet with IDVA every other week which does seem to help but then I feel like I’m wasting her time and don’t deserve to be helped..
I just feel at a loss, I know he’s not going to change and the abuse will continue but it’s so hard to know what is best for you in these moments.
Making any form of decision feels so intimidating. The police have only just dropped everything against him from the last couple of incidents so I don’t think I could handle them being involved in our lives again..
It just all feels so hopeless.

[HopeLifeJoy]

You can’t turn off the love for him like a switch and hate him. It’s a gradual process.
How about loving yourself instead of trying to hate him? Look after yourself, every day.
This self-care will develop more love towards yourself & decrease the love and unhealthy attachment to him. Eventually you will be placing yourself first and get angry at him for not allowing you to. Then you will hate him no doubt. But yes it’s a process where redirecting your thoughts towards yourself and your own well being and here safety must be prioritised again.

Look after yourself first. Go to your GP, have your injuries treated. Take photos of them for evidence, do it for your future self, for your future case. If you don’t have the strength to report him to the police ask if someone else can do it in your stead? He deserves to be put away. And you deserve to live a life free of abuse, a life where you do whatever you wish, where you are safe and free.
Sending you strength

[KIP.]

Don’t get confused about abuse. He chooses to abuse you because he wants to hurt you. That’s all you need to know. You have zero responsibility in this. Abuse always gets worse x

[Rainbowcloud]

He will kill you one day. And you will gradually lose the love like I have done it ebbs away. I really hope you get safe and leave the Situation my partner has been physical on a few occasions I never felt sorry for him because he chose that they only hit us he wouldn’t hit a stranger he would be in prison now.
I agree to work on yourself love yourself more give yourself what you give to him. My partner blamed me for the punch he gave to me he never played the victim but they all have different tactics unique to them.
Maybe he feels a tiny little empathy to what he’s done to you but so he should it’s appalling behavior.
It won’t last he will hit you again and again it will never stop. He will never change I do so hope you find an inner strength to leave him and be safe you deserve so much more then this.

[Bluetoffee]

Yes I can relate to this. I was injured in the face after being repeatedly hit. The next day he was crying like a baby saying how bad he felt. Little did I know he was still going out seeing another woman behind my back. Yeah right, you felt so bad! Whilst I sit and home black and blue not being able to see any of my friends over Christmas for trying to protect his honour. Hes out partying with someone else. I have just discovered this fact, that he continued to cheat. It might be the thing I needed to finally leave. I put up with a lot of his abuse in the past cos I thought well, at least hes loyal. Well, he isnt. So why am I wasting my time. They’re really just disgusting aren’t they? I had never heard of that trauma bonding but after seeing this makes perfect sense. Even my friend who I have confided in said something similar. He makes you feel your worst so he can swoop in and make you feel better, and so the cycle continues. How about we just ditch these people and find some genuine nice normal ones. Let’s be honest they are losers. No good men hit women. I hope I find the power to do it and same for you! X x

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