Feeling beaten … Decisions are the worst

[Confusedyetclear]

Feeling totally spent and frazzled in my head today.
I have spent the last few weeks trying to decipher if terminating a baby for the right reasons would be less painful than me having a baby to my abuser and knowing the fight I would have afterwards to not only keep my sanity, but to keep my two grown children away from him (detail removed by moderator)
Since telling him I was pregnant, I have had no contact other than him to send messages of obvious control and him telling me it is “his child” I worry Incase he tries to send me nuts to the point I do not look capable of being a mother and I know this is not true. I have two amazing daughters and have done a good job. (detail removed by moderator)
He wants to talk about “his unborn child” to discuss how things will be from his perspective. I can’t help but worry this will involved more gaslighting and cruel attacks on my personality and looks.
I have worried that our legal system won’t be able to help me becuase so far, he doesn’t look very guilty for much and he is much more clever than I am in now he presents and messages. In fact it is usually me reacting badly to the nasty names he calls me… To the law he hasn’t hit me so it’s hard to prove and I was told emotional abuse is super hard to prove in court.
My brain is thinking surely I will never regret having my baby once he or she is here but then I’m also thinking am I playing with fire and would it be kinder all round to terminate to save this little baby and others a life of misery if he fights to be involved.
All of my friends and family are pleading with me to terminate as they think he will destroy me .. can anyone shed any other perspectives x*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi confusedyetclear,

My heart goes out to you, I’m so glad you are reaching out on here for some support/guidance/advice.

Termination is a very personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. There were a couple of times I considered a termination because I knew without a doubt that I was bringing a baby in to an abusive relationship. Once my baby was born I had no regrets at all, however, the relationship continued to be abusive from when he was 6 days old and we ultimately separated a few years later. My ex did try to prove that I was an unfit mother etc etc and he applied for full residency. He didn’t get that, but we then went through the process of court ordered contact for many years and my ex tried his best to destroy my life, my career, my finances. There was no reasoning with him at all and it was his way or no way.

To be honest, although I knew we would end up splitting up at some point (looking back now we should never have really got together as I had many red flags that I ignored) I didn’t think he would turn as nasty as he did, but what I’ve learned is that you can’t underestimate what an abusive man will do when he doesn’t get his own way.

You already know that the father of your baby is going to cause problems for you, and this will impact on not only his child, but two of your children that are not his and who he probably doesn’t really care about the collateral damage this will cause them. The only time that you have full control of this baby is before it is born as he has no say at all whether you can have a termination or not. If you are not together and not married you can choose to register the birth and not put him on the birth certificate, but he could take the legal route of proving paternity by getting a court order for blood tests to prove he is the biological father and then get Parental Responsibility. You will then have the next 16 – 18 years of this man having a huge, negative impact on your life and your children’s.

I don’t regret having my son for one minute, but I do know from experience now that if I’d have ever been in the situation again I know what I’d have done.

You, your family and friends know what this man is like. You say you are ‘playing with fire’, you know a child’s life and happiness could be at stake. You do what ever you believe is the right thing to do and have no guilt either way.

xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you so so much for your reply. It has really given me another perspective a d definitely something to think about.
I feel like my eyes are wide open in knowing how bad it could possibly become and I dont feel that my baby , children or me deserve that.
Ilmost feel like my baby would be born into a silent war zone not knowing it would be at war because my partner goes from silent to controlling and I doubt it myself often… How would a young child ever recognise that.
I am sorry you went through what you did, however without doubt your strength shines through you are so Inspiring thank you x*x

[lover of no contact]

Hi confusedyetclear,

Don’t know what to say to you but all I can do is give my experience. I was that baby. My mother was in a very similar situation you are now in. It was many decades ago where there was the options to have the baby or give it up for adoption. She chose to give birth to me and gave me up for adoption. As there are so many abusers about …it happened that my adoptive mother turned out to be an abuser. My father was an empath like me. (detail removed by moderator) I had many children (none of whom are abusers..all empaths) and after 2 decades of living with an abuser and rearing my many children in that abusive home, with the help and support of this Forum and Al Anon I managed to get out of the abusive marriage and I’ve not only survived but thrived. And so have my many children. They are still healing, I still have a lot of battle scars and get triggered.. but I survived and am alive to share my experience, strength and hope.

Please keep reaching out for support. We are all here for you. Gather as many supports around you as you can. There’s strength in numbers. And together we can make it💕

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi there lovely. That response brought tears to my eyes.. sounds like your mum done such a selfless thing (as to how I am perceiving it ) and still you suffered through no dam fault of your own… So Inspiring you fought back and are doing well!
I can’t help think we all deserve a bash at life if we are the chosen egg… That sounded weird I hope that makes sense with kindness and who is an abuser to destroy that…
Then my brain flips back to … Intrusive thoughts that remind me I am knowingly bringing my baby into a shambles before it has even had chance to develop a little heart beat and eyes.
Thanks so much for your message it gives me hope and a little more fight !!! You are living proof that it can always turn out ok X*x

[Eggshells]

Hi Confusedyetclear

I was wondering if you have contacted your local pregnancy crisis group. They should have trained counsellors to help you work out what it is that you want to do. At the end of the day, this needs to be your decision.

It might also be worth talking to Citizens Advice to see what rights your partner might have if you leave him off the birth certificate.

Please keep a recording of any manipulative calls or texts. They may be useful at a later date.

[Anonymous]

Hi Confusedyetclear,
This is a huge decision you are facing. No surprise you are feeling beaten.
Either way may be a hard road.
If only there was a loophole that could prevent him from proving paternity.
I was trying not to get pregnant with my youngest child as I knew how my abuser was. I definitely did not want to have more children with him. I got pregnant due to his controlling and coercive behaviour. When I found out I was pregnant I cried for joy and realised I actually did want more kids, just not with him. I embraced the pregnancy from the beginning. Months after the baby was born we decided to separate. It has been a very tough journey. (Legal detail removed by Moderator).
That being said, my youngest child is the best surprise I have ever had and I can’t imagine life without them. At the same time your words tug at my heart when you mentioned saving the baby from misery. My children’s father has done some terrible things to them. Some have yet to be understood or processed. I can only hope that my children have a fight for life and make a good future for themselves. One of my children has questioned me about why I stayed with their father and regrets what they have gone through and my other child has said they have learned how not to be and has already thought of the kind of parent they want to be for their future children.
I’ve had friends encourage me and I think similar encouragements have been made on this forum, that you will be the main influence in your children’s lives. You said you have done well with your other children. But unfortunately that doesn’t take into account the potential harm your child will encounter.
Sending a big hug! xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi lovely, I have had some counselling sessions with the service that provides termination… I am due to have another and they have been really good but I will look for specific pregnancy crisis services incase there are any other services that would be useful.
Thank you xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi confusedyetclear,

Thankyou for your lovely response. Keep posting all your thoughts and feelings on here. Easy Does it and take it One Day at a Time. You don’t have to go through this alone. Lots of Self-Care at the moment and be gentle with yourself.

[Eggshells]

Big hugs honey. Try to rest if you can. These decisions are so much harder when you’ve had no sleep. xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi ocean. Woah wow what a powerful response that was to read ! I want to say well done for having the determination and guts to proceed. I can totally relate in saying I realised I want more children and didn’t even realise , but just not with him. Due to my age I think this will definitely be my final chance and this lies heavy.
As for your children how amazing is it that, despite the fact he has made them suffer… They will not become him.. they are not him and he can never take any credit when they turn into lovely human beings who are thinking about kindness… Bless them .
I have been through every ideal and worst case scenario in my mind and I think my one of biggest worrie is the chance my baby would possibly be involved in his wife’s life who I didn’t know existed yet he plans to let her be heavily involved… I almost feel like the outsider in my own child’s upbringing.
Thanks for you message xx

[Eggshells]

This is a biggie but have you considered moving away. I’m over a hundred miles away from my ex. No-one who has contact with him (except my adult sons) know where I live. I’m registering to vote anonymously so he can’t find me through the electoral role and by the time that expires I’ll have changed my name.

This was easier for me than it might be for most as I had no family tying me to the place where my abuser lives.

If it is a possibility for you, it might be worth looking into. Even a local move could work as long as you go under the radar at your new address. If he can’t find you, he can’t get to your baby.

From what you have said, I can’t help but wonder if he and his wife planned this from the outset. I wonder if she can no longer have children.

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi eggshells, that is amazing you loved well done you ! I am a decent distance from this man in terms of location however he knows where I live so a move would always be a good idea .in my mind I wish if I move he can’t find me, I was thinking to remove myself off all social media and try to become invisible. This idea gives me relief.
I often wonder if it was planned and he has made several comments that don’t sit right with me, yet a court would grant contact for him at his home and that is where he lives his double life. It feels so toxic and cru what a mess to end up in …. Moving feels like the only way to have a fighting chance… X*x

[Eggshells]

Yes, he is very cruel and you find yourself in an impossible situation. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all OK for you. Big hugs 🫂

[Author]

Posts