Feeling close to crisis level

[gettingtired]

Things are escalating and he’s on at me continuously now. I’m supposed to be moving with him soon but he knows I don’t really want to so is upping the ante.
I know he is the cause of me feeling like I’m having a breakdown but I just want to cling to him and for everything to be ok even though I know it won’t be. I don’t understand why he has gotten so bad, for years it was never like this. It makes me want to believe that it’s because of his situation and his unhappiness at the moment.
My anxiety and fear is so bad that I feel sick and frozen about leaving him despite how awful things can be. I feel ill.
I really don’t know what to do anymore.

[Eggshells]

Hi Bettertimesahead

I think you fo know what to do but you are struggling to accept it.

Normally I would say take your time, wait until you’re ready but unfortunately, his family’s agenda is making that difficult.

Try to imagine both situations and mentally try them on for size. – imagine moving with him and, on top of the abuse, knowing that he and his family will feel that you are endebted to them or moving back with your family.

[gettingtired]

Thank you Eggshells, I’ve had to go back to bed as I feel so exhausted and weak from all of this. I’m getting heart palpitations, racing thoughts and feeling tearful. He’s always the one to threaten to end our relationship and when he does I feel even worse from rejection and fear. I’m guessing it must stem back to some deep rooted problem inside of me to trigger such feelings of desperation.
If anything, I know it would do me a favour if he ended things with me (he won’t) but it feels like the worst thing ever when he rejects me. I just end up in despair.

[KIP.]

It’s the indecision that’s exhausting you. That fight in your own head. You just need to take the leap of faith.

[Eggshells]

Hi Gettingtired,

Sorry, I used the wrong username before.

You know, if he did end it, he’s not rejecting you, it’s just another tactic to keep you. He knows it scares you and that’s why he does it.

Ofcourse, if you reject him, he can’t make you feel like that anymore.

[Pinkypanther]

I agree with what the others have said…
you will be worn out with all of this, I really do think you know what you need to do for the best, the hardest thing is admitting that to yourself but you got this, you probably a lot stronger than you think you are and we are all here for you.
Good luck whatever you do xxxx

[Secretlife]

Hello Gettingtired

My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. The enormity of it all is too much to bear. All I can say is just concentrate on getting through one day at a time, get out of the house if you can, just go for a walk and try and calm your mind. Can you talk to anyone? Could you go and stay with anyone for a few days? Or just escape on your own for a few days? It’s an horrible, despairing situation, I know. Sending love and inner strength 🤗x*x

[ISOPeace]

Hey, I felt like this not long before I left. I know it feels absolutely horrible, but I think it was what finally pushed me to feel I could leave. I could see that at best I would always be on the edge of a mental health precipice if I stayed, and at worst I’d crash into a hole and never get out. I knew I needed to be the one to take care of my mental health, but it just seemed impossible to do that with my ex trying to crush me throughout the day, every day. I think there was a shift from generally seeing him as an unpleasant influence in my life, to realising he was actually directly attacking the most important thing in anybody’s life: my mental health.

I see mental health/wellbeing as the foundation of our ability to enjoy and thrive in anything. I don’t mean that people with mental health issues can’t be happy, but our ability to manage our mental health is probably the biggest influence on how we feel about things. Abusers interfere with this on so many levels. The whole point of abuse is to destroy our mental/emotional wellbeing so that we don’t feel strong enough to leave.

It may be that the move has triggered the escalation of his behaviour. But it may be that it would have happened anyway and he would have found another excuse. I know that feeling of wanting to just get through this crisis in the hope that things will calm down. But they say abuse always escalates, and that is my experience.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that your fear is about a deep rooted issue that is unrelated to him. It may be that you have deep rooted fears of abandonment. But there is bound to be a huge amount of fear generated by the trauma bond. I guess what I’m saying is that you don’t have to resolve a deep rooted issue to find the strength to leave. I don’t even know if it’s possible to resolve deep rooted issues when you’re living in the war zone of abuse. I would focus on shorter term anxiety management (e.g. medication, CBT techniques, grounding techniques, EFT/tapping). You only need to find enough courage to get out and stay out. I know that feels like a monumental task, but I got out and I know I still have fear/anxiety related issues. And I feel much more positive about addressing them now I’m out.

Just try to get through each day. Try not to let the move put too much pressure on you. You can still leave after the move. It may not seem ideal, but it may be the right time for you to leave. Your anxiety is doing its best to keep you safe in the only way it knows, but it doesn’t realise that it’s not the right tool for the job this time and you have so much more inner strength than you realise. Just take baby steps to looking after yourself and starting to shift your focus to you rather than him (e.g. anxiety management). Sending lots of love xxxx

[Muddyboots]

Hello getting tired,

I’m sorry things are feeling so awful right now. When we are in the thick of it it’s so hard to imagine ever feeling better or feeling strong enough to be on our own, or that we have any options.

I started listening to this great podcast called the divorce club. Each episode features someone who is on the other side of their divorce, and the really amazing thing about it is these interesting clever successful women talk about the darkest times, when they are sobbing on the floor or locked in a toilet, when everything feels totally overwhelming and unmanageable. And then they talk about how they did actually cope, how they made new and joyful lives. It did 2 things that I couldn’t do for myself. Firstly it made me feel ok for feeling as sh1tty and weak as I did. And secondly it made me see that I wouldn’t be feeling miserable for ever, that if I got away, I could heal and be happier.

Maybe listening to them will give you a sense that you’re not as trapped as you feel, a belief in all the possibilities that are invisible right now but are out there!

Good luck xxxxxxxxxx

[Overcome]

I was told by my IDVA that when people like this are feeling like they’re loosing control; the abuse escalates. I believe this is so true!

I’m sorry, I haven’t read your whole story, but from your post I get the feeling you don’t want to take this step. listen to your inner voice, moving in with a partner should be exciting, not filling you with dread! Save yourself years of heart break and really ask yourself is that what I want?

With love,

Overcome x

[gettingtired]

Thank you everyone, sorry I haven’t replied to each individual comment but please know I appreciate the support more than anything and am so grateful. Sending everyone a virtual hug xx

[KIP.]

🤗 we are here for you x you’re stronger than you know x

[gettingtired]

Thanks Kip, you were the first person to comment on my very first post on here. You’ve always been a great support even though I barely know you and we’ve obviously never met. I’m so thankful for you and the other ladies x

[KIP.]

Some wonderful ladies on here helped me through my darkest days. I’m just passing it forward x it’s such a wonderful supportive place to be and sometimes the anonymity makes it easier to open up x

[ladiesand gentlemen]

All of the above, stay strong, you know what your inner self is saying, its trying to save you.
We are ALL here for you
Take care x*x

[gettingtired]

Thank you so much for the support ladiesandgentlemen, it means more than I can say xx

[Author]

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