Feeling confused and lost

[Self-erasure-101]

When I first met him, I thought I could finally open up to someone who would understand me and be there for me. Our relationship grew quickly in what I felt was a great friendship and love at first soght. After growing up with an abusive mother and passive father, I thought I was finally happy and ina healthy relationship.

But that all broke down when a wall of lies fell on me. As we were getting ready for our wedding, I was surprised that his family wasn’t getting involved. I kept asking home about it and he replied they would attend our wefding. (timeframe removed by Moderator) before our wedding  ai broke up with him because I felt he was withholding the truth from me. He told me that his family wasn’t accepting our choice of getting married. I was very upset that he had lied to me for so long. I was very direct with him, we can’t have a successful relationship if we don’t communicate openly about what matters to us.

We decided to go ahead with the wedding as he had promised he would open up and be more truthful.  He still decided to hide our marriage from his family, which I was uncomfortable with and upset about, and I shared my feelings with him.

He would go out for hours every (days removed by Moderator) to call his parents and siblings, would come back irritated and I also was upset because it was messing up every (days removed by Moderator). He would blame me and take his anger out on me. He would also go on holiday once a year (timeframe removed by Moderator) with them, I was quite upset about it. I am not comfortable with lies and I felt he was not valuing me and not respecting me. It makes me feel stressed and vulnerable. He said he didn’t want to put me first and I was equal to the rest of his family. In the meantime I had to join my family and lie about the reason why we were not spending (timeframe removed by Moderator) together. When I would cry because I was sad and upset, he would scold me, telling me I was ungrateful and selfish, that he delayed his trip and spend (timeframe removed by Moderator) with me.

After years of being really unhappily married and disappointed of our relationship, while he was gone on holiday with his family, I cheated on him. I was very ashamed of it afterwards but it was eye opening to me. I couldn’t continue this life forever.

I told him I wanted to get separated and needed time apart to reconnect with myself. He got really upset and told me he would change. So I agreed to give our relationship a chance again. It was really hard for me as I didn’t feel heard and my need were unmet.

He decided to tell his family about our marriage and the whole family blew up. They told him to send me back to my parents and I was a w***e trying to distract him from his duties of taking care of them.

Fast forward when I was pregnant with our (detail removed by Moderator) baby, he got upset about a misunderstanding and made a traumatising crisis. He started driving like crazy, then stopped on the side on the road, left the vehicle, during the whole time I was crying desperately not understanding his attitude, being terrified and emotional. Finally got some explanation and clarified. But he never apologized.

He always manage to have excuses for everything.

Then again when I was pregnant with our (detail removed by Moderator) baby a similar event happened in the car while travelling (detail removed by Moderator). Our (detail removed by Moderator) just vomited on me and I was overwhelmed but this time I said stop or I want a divorce. He went bunkers and said that he and our kid would travel back home and I could get lost. He was done with me and then completely stopped talking to me once we reach the flat. I started panicking at the idea of him taking our kid and tried (detail removed by Moderator), thankfully he stopped me but my kid was quite traumatised.

He said afterwards he was just trying to hurt me because I said I wanted to divorce, so I would understand how hurtful I was to mention divorce. Told me to never mention divorce.

I thought It was all my fault yet again.

Throughout the pregnancy I shared that he was not very involved and felt I needed more emotional support, to which he replied (detail removed by Moderator), while he is focusing on work and house renovation.

Throughout our relationship it feels like I can’t express negative feelings and emotions. I have to always be satisfied and happy.  Am I having the wrong expectations?

He keeps hurting my feelings, for example, gift me (item removed by Moderator) to take it back soon after nd give it to his sister. Or gift me flowers, and I learn afterwards they were gifted to me by our friends. It makes me feel hurt and humiliated.

Finally on the (date removed by Moderator), after he again turned a situation into an argument, I started beating my face, punching and slapping as hard as I could while crying. I was done, I could not deal with him anymore.

Recently he had told me he wouldn’t be with me if I was not beautiful, I guess I must have unconsciously hoped to look ugly so he would not be with me.

I am very worried this relationship his hurting me, I am becoming fearful and resentful of him. I can’t trust and respect him anymore. I worry that our relationship is toxic and hurtful for our own children.

It’s a rollercoaster of ups and down which is all very confusing for me. He always says all the right things, seems very supportive and understanding. And other time will turn my feedbacks against me, copycat my words like a rude teenager, to the point I stopped trying to communicate with him to protect myself. I wonder if I am going mad, I doubt myself, perhaps I am too sensitive and expecting too much of him?

I recently told him again, couldn’t see myself spending my life with him anymore. That he hurts me too much, that I feel out relationship his toxic and he is abusive. I feel so confused like my brain is in a fog. At first he agreed we need to separate and for him to work on himself. He asked if there was a chance of us getting back together, to which I replied we need therapy first, but somehow now he talked me back into working on our relationship and focusing on communicating better. I can’t believe he is able to manipulate me into agreeing with him all the time. Obviously I wish we could be in an healthy relationship, it would be great for us and the family we built together but we can’t by-pass everything that has happened and the repeating behaviour. He say he changed already before and I can trust him to change again…

[Lisa]

Hi Self-erasure-101,

Thank you for sharing about your experiences. There’s lots here that will be so familiar to other women who have experienced domestic abuse. It was devaluing for him to hide your marriage from his family and you had a right to feel upset about this. I can see there’s a pattern of him putting blame on you for his behaviour and not allowing you freedom to be yourself and have feelings.

You’re not alone in having experienced the scary, dangerous driving. Abusers use this intentionally to frighten their partners and control with fear. They use promises of change to stop a partner leaving when they feel like they might lose their control. The rollercoaster and how confusing everything feels is a big part of domestic abuse. He’s choosing to treat you in this way and can see the impact on you.

You’re expectations are perfectly reasonable, you’re not too sensitive and you aren’t going mad. His behaviour is unacceptable, it’s hurting you and making you afraid and that is never okay. I hope that posting here and sharing support with other women helps. You could also reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Angela2]

I have been feeling alone and depressed im a survivor of sexual and physical abuse this traumas keeps on coming back over and over i have exhausted myself with so many sleeping pills i barely go out cause i have become so much of a loner. I feel so lost and exhausted it has been hard to build relationships or friendships i just wanna give up im just in so much pain and anxiety keeps on hitting me hard. I need advice how to find myself again i have tried distracting myself with gym going for a run but nothing helps…

[Author]

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