Feeling ‘contaminated’ and struggling to make new friends

[ballet]

I got out of my abusive relationship a few years ago. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and I’m on a waiting list for therapy, although I think I’ve made pretty good progress on my own – I was surprised when the person who assessed me took it so seriously, as the problems I have now are nothing to the problems I had back then. Then something happened to trip me up and make me realise that I’m not as ‘recovered’ as I thought.

One of my friends (female) introduced me to her lodger as someone who might be able to care for my cat while I’m away. I invited them both over for dinner so he could meet the cat. She couldn’t come, but he asked if I wanted to meet anyway. By this point we’d had quite a few long-ish conversations on Facebook, and it seemed like we might become friends. I agreed.

This was the first time I’ve been alone with a guy since my relationship ended. That didn’t occur to me when I agreed. If it had I might have had second thoughts about it. It actually went OK at first, but then all of a sudden I started to experience lots of anxiety and some distressing flashbacks. I also found that I would ‘freeze’ in thought and speech and I couldn’t follow what he was saying, which meant my own conversation was filled with silences that I just couldn’t break. When he was leaving, he hugged me, and then I completely froze. I was aware I must have come across as rude or agitated, because I didn’t see him to the door of the apartment building and I wasn’t making eye contact when he left, just staring at my floor and not really speaking. Once he’d gone I started shaking.

The next two days are just a haze of anxiety and flashbacks. As the anxiety ebbed I started to worry that maybe my behaviour had upset or offended him. He seemed like a perfectly nice person, and some of the topics of conversation were so interesting. I was frustrated that I hadn’t been able to focus, and I didn’t want him to feel that I was bored or that I disliked him. I messaged him a couple of times, but all the resulting conversations were stilted. I invited him to something he’d shown an interest in, but got no reply. In the end I asked him straight out if I’d offended him. No reply.

This is awkward because he lives at one of my best friends’ houses, but it’s bothering me for other reasons. One of my worst PTSD feelings is that I’ve been contaminated by what happened to me, like a kind of radiation sickness, and I worry that if people get close enough to see how broken I have become they’ll back off instantly before they can be contaminated too. I feel disgusting. This in turn contributes to my wariness around people. I feel like I took a risk in trying to establish a new friendship here, and because it didn’t work out, it will be harder for me take similar risks again.

I don’t know what help or support I expect here, but I thought it might be useful to hear from other women who have maybe felt the same way. Some of my close friends IRL know that I was in an abusive relationship, but they don’t really get it – a couple have asked me why I don’t try and go on a few dates as a way of getting over it, and they all seem to see it as something that happened a while ago whereas it’s still something that I think of every day.

[Serenity]

Hello Ballet,

I can sympathise. I am a few years out, and I still feel sick at the thought of a relationship with anyone else, or even male attention! A few days ago, an acquaintance recognised me on a social media post, and sent me a message complimenting me. I felt sick to my gut and deleted the message pronto!

One thing that occurred to me about your post was that your meeting wasn’t on mutual territory. If I was to meet with anyone, I would want it to be slow-paced but also on mutual territory- in public to make me feel safe, plus able to have an escape route.

I know that the point of him coming over was to meet the cat- but what resulted ( as your other friend didn’t come along in the end) was you being faced with a male you didn’t know too well, in your own home/private space. I think I would also feel panicky, as there would have been no one else around, no escape route and no other distractions to dilute the situation. I would also have felt it was very intense.

What I’m trying to say is that how you feel abs reacted was quite natural. Following abuse- even years later- we find we want to take relationships ( of all kinds) with people more slowly, to weigh things up, to have time to assess things, to not feel pressurised. If your friend had also come along, it would have diffused the situation a bit and maybe you would have felt safer. After all, you don’t know this man too well.

Please don’t beat yourself up. I would have reacted the same.

Also, don’t feel you have to run after him to apologise. You don’t need to apologise for how you are. Accepting what you need in your life as a result of all you’ve gone through is very important. We mustn’t deny our real needs or be ashamed in any way.

I’m a bit worried about this man not replying to you. It seems either a bit rude, disrespectful or churlish to me. Be careful of head games.

I think setting safe boundaries in our futures is very important. We deserve to feel psychologically safe. I don’t know if your friend is aware of it sympathetic to your PTSD, but a friend who was fully aware of and sympathetic to your vulnerabilities might be aware of your need for safety and might have seen hit this situation could be triggering for you?
xx

[ballet]

Thank you so much for pointing out that I don’t need to apologise. Compulsively apologising was a pattern I fell into with my abusive ex. Everything was always my fault with him, and I used to be begging for forgiveness for days and sometimes weeks while he tore strips off me verbally – telling me what an awful person I was, how my apologies were obviously fake, how I didn’t fool him, etc. I was always worrying about how to get him to accept my apology and how to stop myself from doing the wrong thing in the future. Even though I realise now that there was no way to avoid the ‘wrong thing’ – when he was in certain moods nothing I did would ever have been right – I’ve imported this habit of constantly saying sorry and blaming myself into the rest of my life. Sometimes I don’t notice when I’m doing it until someone points it out. When I was a couple of months out of the relationship I spilled a drink in a friend’s car, and I started shaking and felt as if I couldn’t breathe and I might vomit at any second – it was a real lightbulb moment when she didn’t react as he would have done, and she told me instead that I didn’t need to keep saying sorry. I’ve made some progress since then, but there are more subtle manifestations of the problem that I don’t always pick up on.

This man’s silence was also triggering for the reason you mention – mind games. My ex used silent treatment a lot. It was almost always the precursor to a massive vicious rage. I used to dread it, and part of me would just wish he would get it over with so I could find out what I’d done wrong this time – anything was better than waiting and waiting for him to acknowledge my existence. My friend tells me that this guy has mental health issues of his own, so it may be that he has his own reasons for being unable to reply (I know that when I’m in a bad state I can leave my inbox untouched for weeks), but I’m trying not to speculate – just to accept that whatever his reasons, I can’t know what they are, and I don’t have to panic over them. He can’t actually hurt me. I’m safe now.

In future I will take your advice and always meet new people in a public venue. I think all this could have been averted if I hadn’t been in such a rush to be ‘normal’. I did hesitate briefly over whether to meet him without my friend, but I asked myself what I would have done pre-trauma, and as I was feeling pretty calm and things had been going well in my life recently, I decided to go ahead with it. “What would I have done pre-trauma?” is probably an unhelpful question, as I can’t just go back to acting like her. The trauma happened. I’m just frustrated at how long it’s taking to get past it.

[Purple]

Hi Ballet

I’ve just read through your post and it really struck a chord with me. My family are pushing for me to try online dating and often tell me to get out and meet people! But I get really triggered at the thought of meeting new people especially men.

My ex also blamed me for everything and everything I did was wrong. He would verbally attack my character and often told me that no one else could love me or put up with living with me! Although I know that this was all part of him breaking me down and controlling me, even years out I still question what I have to offer other people and really doubt myself in new social situations… I go blank and can’t get my words out… I must look like a right t*t!

I don’t know what the answer is but I just wanted to let you know I understand and am going through similar!

[ballet]

Thanks, Purple. It helps to hear from other women who feel the same. I don’t think I can really blame the people in my life for not getting it, because it’s painful for me to talk about and only one person knows the extent of what he did. She gets it because she’s been in an abusive relationship herself, and I think because of that she can hear what I don’t say as well as what I do say. I feel at a loss to communicate it to other people who care about me. I don’t have the words to say exactly what it was like.

I don’t want another romantic relationship. I do want to stop feeling as if I’m tainted, as if I push people away. Sometimes I come pretty close to despair and think I’ll never make it, this is me now, I’m stuck like this. I’ve tried so hard to recover. I know I’ve made lots of progress, but it’s as if I’ve gone as far as I can ever go. I get so tired of fighting sometimes. I was proud of myself that day when this guy came, because I’d done something new and brave and I felt at first that I hadn’t coped too badly with the situation – and then his silence made me feel that I can’t even assess myself accurately, and I must do offputting things all the time without realising. That was a horrible feeling to come crashing down on me.

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