Feeling down

[Confused-and-alone]

I haven’t posted in quite a while – Im stuck in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage – my husband is incredibly controlling- I tried to leave a few months ago and failed – was guilt tripped into staying. To cut a long story short I started an affair not long after trying to leave and my lover was amazing – so kind and gentle and thoughtful and I really fell for him. He told me he wanted to leave his wife and me leave my husband – I told him all the crazy stuff that goes on in my marriage and he said he would be there for me. Anyway predictably his wife found some messages on his phone – he’s passed it off as we’re just good friends and seems to be staying put with his wife. I know this is all my own fault but I guess I had pinned my hopes of getting out of this abusive marriage on him and now it’s over I feel absolutely hopeless about getting out of here. To make things worse my husband asked me last night (after giving me the silent treatment all day) if there was anything going on between me and this man – I said no and was then subjected to a full evening of sex with the unspoken threat of a massive fight hanging over me. My husband made me do some things I didn’t really want to and when I asked him to stop he just carried on. I’m sure there are people who would say I deserve this for having had an affair with someone else’s husband and I’m not sure what I’m posting this for – I guess I just have no one I can tell and feel pretty stuck.

[maddog]

We do whatever we need to do to survive, Confused.

My ex was married when I met him, so the entire basis of our relationship was a lie. He treated his then wife appallingly and from the off red flags were flying all over the place.

Rape within marriage became a criminal offence in 1992 in England. It is very real and very common. Nobody ever deserves to be raped. Nobody ever deserves to be abused.

Are you getting any help from Women’s Aid, Rape Crisis or Victim Support? I have found them all a huge help.

Please hold yourself tight, remember that you are responding to what’s happening around you. Please see your gp and tell them what is happening to you.

Basically you sought comfort in someone else because you are being abused and now you have been raped by your husband. How horrible for you. As everyone will tell you, getting away from these monsters is very dangerous. Don’t do it alone.

[Confused-and-alone]

Thanks for the kind words maddog- I’m not in contact with any agencies – I’ve struggled a lot with labelling my marriage as abusive and worry that putting a name to it all by speaking to rape crisis or women’s aid will make it all real. This is not the first time my husband has coerced me into sex and not the first time he’s used the threat of a fight or the accusation of an affair to control my behaviour (although this is the first time he’s actually right about me having an affair). I just don’t know how many more times I can pretend to be enjoying something which actually makes my skin crawl – he was watching my face the whole time and I could tell he was reading my reactions to what he was doing. But Christmas is on the way and I know I don’t have the strength to leave him now – I couldn’t bear the guilt of leaving him alone at Christmas (and I know how ridiculous that is given how he treats me).

[Author]

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