feeling heartbroken

[Confused123]

that after all i have overcome, now i have to watch my son have low self esteem and no value for his life. So sad that no matter how mmuch support you offer, if they are on self destruct path you just cant reach out to them, have reached the point where i cant just keep saying causse of d v he saw, yes it has impacted him, but he refuses to change ,,, really is so sad to see a bright lad throw his life away

[Serenity]

Hi Confused,

I know how you feel. I think my eldest has hidden self-esteem issues because of all his dad put him- and continues- to put him- through.

I remember when I did a parenting course years back. They warned us against criticising our kids too much, and used the image of the piggy bank, saying our kids would be ‘in debt’ rather than have any capital to build on, if we criticised more than praised.

I really try my best to praise my son when it’s due, and to help him know that I will love him no matter what what. He’s joined the gym, which seems to have helped him no end.

My kids are probably sick of me telling them I love them, but I want them to know. At the same time, I try to encourage them to find their independence.

I read somewhere that if you are confident in yourself and are able to be yourself, that gives your children permission to do so too.

All we can do is plug on, Confused. Like my son, your so may not have the maturity right now to take control of things, but with you behind him and rooting for him, he can achieve happiness and fulfil some of his potential. He may achieve it a little later on: life shouldn’t be a race. Not all kids start life on an even playing field.

You’re doing really well x

[KIP.]

Never give up. I have no contact with mine but the last time I saw him I hugged him and told him he knew where I was if he needed me. I just had to walk away and hope he would realise with maturity that his fathers dysfunctional behaviour was not acceptable. It’s the most painful of all the abuse to watch them try to destroy their own children and ruin their prospects. Still wanting control because if they have that little control over the kids then there is still control over us. Sometimes I think we have to let go a little and strengthen ourselves. Hang in there. If you are strong and set a good example, maybe he will follow x

[Confused123]

Hii ladies

yes i do tell him i love him when i can, i know he appreciates what i do for him and he will say he love me too, has admitted he finds it hard to show his emotions even though is starting to show slowly. Having to do the tough love where have told him he has to learn through his own mistakes , even if that means him making the wrong decision, Is heart breaking to watch . will private message u later, is just a tearful day today.

[older lady]

Hello, Confused. I don’t know how to offer you some support. I have been thinking a lot about the effects of the domestic abuse and generally the behaviour of my daughter’s father and its impact on her. I began to wonder if it is inevitable that we can’t evade the effects of it on our children no matter what we do. I thought maybe it just has to play itself out, until it all unravels and then take it from there. My daughter broke down in tears in the car on the way to school about her father’s behaviour. We talked a lot and I realised no matter how I try to make everything normal, it quite clearly isn’t normal and maybe i’m unrealistic to think it will always fly overhead. I can’t do ‘tough love’, it isn’t me and she would think I was being fake, so I don’t. Still, its always going to be a mess, no matter what, because domestic abuse means not being able to have normal expectations anymore. So I don’t. I hope your son will start to feel better about himself over time and come to realise his own value and worth as a person and reach for something better for himself. Take care. xx

[godschild]

My Son went through an awful lot following abuse by his Dad both to me and him, he struggled for some time,I beleive he still has some hurt and pain and wounds but he has grown into a (detail removed by moderator) confidant,married,content young man, he once was so depressed didnt hardly leave his room, there is hope as they get older,you would not recognise the boy at 16/17 and the Man he has become despite it all, just wanted to encourage you all, its heartbreaking to see our children suffer due to abusive fathers but I believe having good caring loving Moms goes a long way.

[Confused123]

Hi

Godschild – your reply brought tears to my eyes and gave me hope fro my son

Older lady – yes your right they are impacted and we do have to play it out as a process

I observe children who have witness d v and are now adults its quite sad to see that girls who have seen their mum accept the abuse later accept the abuse too and stay with their abusive partners and with men its seems how they behave reflects in their beahviours. Some men i know who saw d v in childhood try to be best husbands but then their are still elements of abuse like their fathers.. i know no one is perfect, im mean even my sons when i watch them, they seem to already at a young age have far of trusting g friend case they get hurt , quite sad, again through the pain they have seen me go through. they have strong ethics that it is wrong to hit a women and u should treat her well which is good , but then once i caught my son say a response which i just thought so like your dad thinking . i try to be the positive role model for them , sometimes i just think do boys really need a male role model to help them develop, obviouislly a positive one not a negative one like their dad

[lover of no contact]

Hi confused,

I too find it heart-breaking to watch the effect on my children’s behaviours of having an abusive dad. A few of my children have low self-esteem and very poor self-care, which is I suppose is self-destructive path. My eldest’s self-esteem seems good on the surface because she is the abuser’s golden child but deep down her sense of self is not good and she sides with her dad all the time and believes his skewed up version of reality. My youngest seems to have better self-esteem as I became stronger in his formative years and I think and he seems to see through his abuser dad.

I find it very hard to see my children not making healthy choices in relationships and self-care. But there are slight improvements if I’m honest probably helped by me leaving the abusive relationship.

But then again I spent decades making poor unhealthy relationship choices in friend groups, intimate partners and my self-care was negligible. As I have improved and am making healthier choices I am hoping that the dysfunction may be a little less in their lives than it was in mine.

Progress not perfection I have to keep reminding myself, and I have to try not panic when my children are going through a difficult patch in terms of their behaviour. I am finding sometimes that the set-backs in their behaviour can be temporary, usually their behaviour gets bad and self-sestructive when they have come under the influence of their abuser dad, that always seems to make their behaviour go toxic.

[Confused123]

Hi Lover of no contactn

Yes us leaving the abuser has def helped and i beleive we have taught our children a deep message. Had word with my son last night, sometimes u just need to take a step back , i think their is only so much we can do to help them , sometimes they have to help themselves .

[Author]

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