Feeling helpless

[Strube]

My children recently told me that their father had smacked them whilst they were visiting him. He smacked them on the leg with the palm of his hand. I have spoken to the nspcc and documented it with our GP. My children spoke of it at school so the school also have a record of it.

My ex lies with ease and manipulates and twists what I say to take the attention away from his behaviour. I didn’t want to confront him outright as I knew (from past experience) that he would deny it and accuse the children of lying. Instead I chose to give him the chance to be honest and tried to open communication by offering my support if he is struggling to manage their behaviour. He did not respond to my communication. Worrying about the safety of my children I contacted him again and told him I was aware that the children had been smacked and again offered support, saying I’d be willing to discuss other ways of managing their behaviour. Again he didn’t respond.

I finally got a cleverly worded, vague response from him weeks after my initial contact. He said many things about our children behaviour that was so unlike them I didn’t believe a word of it. He made no mention of the smacking! If an outsider were to read what he had written they would think the children rarely misbehave and he manages them well. The things he has written about managing their behaviour are things I told him I do with them. I never told him to smack them. He knows how he should treat them, that’s evident in what he’s written, yet I know he does the complete opposite!

My problem is this: how do I prove his behaviour when he’s so good at lying and twisting things. He’s not particularly intelligent but he’s d**n good at twisting your words and making himself look good in everyone else’s eyes. The family courts think he’s a great dad. I know the smacking will escalate (based on his history of treatment towards our children), do I really have to wait for him to hit one of our children inappropriately before I can do something about it??

[Lisa]

Hi Strube,

I’m so sorry to read about this continuing abuse from your ex. His actions are extremely manipulative. Of course it is not right that you should have to wait for the situation to escalate further before you can do anything, although I understand why you feel like this.

It sounds like you have taken the appropriate actions; reporting to the GP, school and NSPCC. The more professionals who make a note of his behaviour, the better. You can use these records as evidence if you return to court in the future. It is also helpful if you keep a detailed diary; record all of his actions and the effects they have on your children.

Have you considered reporting his abuse to Children’s Services? I understand if you are reluctant to do this, but it may help to get it logged with them, and to ask what support they can provide.

Are you getting any local support to help you through this? If you have not done so already you could contact your local domestic abuse service and ask what support they can offer. Some services run Parenting programmes; this is not teaching you how to parent, but they tend to explore ‘how to parent your children through the effects of domestic abuse’.

You may also want to consider the following organisations for support for both you and your children;

Family Lives; 0808 800 2222

Young Minds; 0808 802 5544

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Strube, I don’t have children so I cant really input about this. But I do know about abusive tactics. My ex throughout the time that I were with him, tried to ‘mirror’ me. My beliefs, my actions and my thoughts. He would access my private thoughts and ideas and copy them to pretend they were his and that i had met my soulmate. There is quite a lot written about this tactic in the abuse books that I have read. Also the twisting of the truth & the avoiding the truth to avert the blame away from himself onto you. I created a thread on here called ‘Thats Your Perception’ that may help you. Also ‘Can anybody give any examples of Gas Lighting’. I’m out of the relationship now and I now longer feel confused, mixed up and mentally unwell due to mind games. x*x

[Strube]

Hi,

Thank you for your advice and support.

I keep a record of everything relating to contact and also anything the children say to me. I’m anxious that if I report it to Children’s Services, he will lie to them (as he has before). I do not want to be seen as trying to disrupt contact. He was on his best behaviour with the children this weekend, no shouting, smacking, making an effort to do things with them (usually he doesn’t bother). He’s clearly doing these things because he’s spun me a story in his email and wants to back it up. Unfortunately, this won’t last forever and he will soon revert back to his previous behaviour.

It has also come to my attention that he is ignoring specific medical advice I gave him regarding one of our children, when he specifically told me he would follow it. It’s not life threatening to our child, but it’s important. He is also making demeaning comments about my parenting to our children.

The sad reality of this is not only that our children are caught in the middle, but also that he accuses them of lying. He doesn’t respect our children and would easily lie to save his own skin.

I’ll be contacting all of the organisations you mention as I really feel I need lots of support with this. I kept silent about the abuse when we were together which made it so much harder to prove. I won’t make that mistake again.

HE, your words could easily describe my ex! I’ll take a look at your threads.

Thank you xx

[lilaclady]

My partner twists the truth the whole time to make himself look better or denying that it ever happened. And when we split I am very worried what you describe happening to me too. He wouldn’t follow things that needed to happen for our son, and completely go against things. My ex does the same twists it and then suddenly he is the best Dad EVER to back up his story.

Like you say you made the mistake of keeping quiet about the abuse when you were together don’t let him have this power over you and make you do that again. This is what they do, they twist and lie which then makes us think we have no options.

Be strong (which I know is hard I am currently going through some mind games of my own and trying to stick to my guns).

Speak to children’s services if you can. x*x

[Strube]

Lilaclady, you’re very strong and brave.

Are you keeping a record of your ex’s behaviour? If not, please start x*x

[Author]

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