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My head is all over the place. Last night I made my partner leave when he said he had nowhere to go. We are not currently living together because of his unreasonable behaviour. Recently I have started seeing him again, have had a relationship with him as I love him and he was going to a psychiatrist he said to become a better person. However he has been pushing and pushing for more than I was ready for and I was starting to feel backed in a corner again. He put a deadline for moving back in which he is now saying he didn’t, but he def did as he’d told his parents that’s when he’d be back. He came to the house (detail removed by moderator) uninvited supposedly to get something but didn’t, then got annoyed when I said I was in bed and didn’t want to be getting up late in the evening to have it out with him when I’m up early for work the next day. Then last night he’s at the house again, saying he needed to stay as he’d told his parents he was staying, said he’d sleep on the sofa. It all set off massive alarm bells and anxiety in me as this is what he did before, steamrolled over any boundary, would never listen and only did as he wanted. I knew I’d have another sleepless night if I’d let him stay so I said if he didn’t leave I’d go to a friend. He then said he’d rather sleep in his car than be here if him being here made me scared and anxious. I know this was him mocking my anxiety and fear but the fact is this man emotionally abused me, made me feel horrendous and when I tried to get away from him stalked me, incessantly, hacked into my phone, was filming me, the works. He now says he wasn’t well but I don’t think it was just that I think he is only driven by his immediate needs and desires…..anyway, now I feel dreadful guilt as we have been seeing each other, enjoyed really lovely times recently and now I made him sleep in his car when he told me he had nowhere to go. Feel like an awful person. Am I? I just panic when he pushes me. And I hate that he thinks it’s ok just to ignore any of my feelings. He said I should have told him not to come both nights but how can I do that when he just turns up without asking? X
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Dear ENF, have you made the personal decision to end it with him? It came to a point based on me feeling so ill & insecure combined with us missing the basics of decency that I knew it was basically over. I think that there can be a lot of foggyness during this timen normally created by him which makes it confusing, but if you find that you reach a decision it’s the end of the road then after that ts just working through formalities, trauma bonding, grief etc.x
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Yes, I need to get away from this. I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep letting this be my life but I can’t just ignore him completely from now on. I’m doing all I can to get our financial ties severed and we are not married, we don’t have children together so it’s only the house. I feel guilty because he says I’ve lead him on. That was not my intention though, I simply told him my feelings which were true, I do love him I just cannot handle his behaviour and need to control and dominate all of me. I did want it to get better, I did want him to work on changing his behaviour but he just pushes and pushes while saying he’s not. I know this is going to cause a meltdown in him and for him to keep coming after me. Im just praying he can act in a better way this time. I need a good long break from him, like at least six months, preferably a year and then see if there’s anything I want to go back to….I doubt it very much. Everything with him is so emotionally charged, he scares me because he gets so dramatic and extreme in his behaviours and things he says. My kids are back from their dads this morning and I want to be enjoying my weekend not obsessing about him again. I want to be free. I want peace. I’ll never have either of those things with him. I want to just be concerned with getting myself better and being a great mum. X
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Please re read your own post from the perspective of a stranger. You would be appauled at the illegal dysfunctional treatment. Take away the bullying, emotional blackmail and what have you got left. A man who you have told you do not wish to see. It is all lies designed to make you feel guilty. He has programmed you to feel this way. How dare he come to where you are when you’ve clearly told him this is not acceptable. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s not your problem. You know him well enough for the alarm bells to be ringing. He had no intention of sleeping on the sofa. Another lie. He’s not interested in your feelings or else he would stay away. Of course you didn’t give him a moving in date. They are pathalogical liars. That’s a great example of gas lighting. And saying he told his parents is just another lie to make you doubt yourself. Even if you had printed it out on a huge piece of paper and stuck it to his forehead, he would deny it. Pure dysfunction you will never understand so stop wasting your energy trying ❤️
I reposted this in another thread ……
You miss the good times, of which there were no doubt many because all our abusers started out as charming men – that’s why we got into relationships with them in the first place.
Here’s what stops me missing my ex – perhaps it will help you. I remind myself that my ex is a liar and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t truly exist. He presented himself as caring, successful, and totally tuned into my needs. In short, he moulded himself into the perfect partner and told me whatever I wanted to hear. I lapped it up. I believed he was the most amazing man I’d ever met and couldn’t believe he felt the same way about me…
But he was lying the whole time. All the things he told me – all a fantasy. He lied to get me to fall in love with him and he lied to get me to stay with him, always playing the victim (when he wasn’t intimidating me with threats and actual violence).
The real him is a self-serving and nasty individual who I never would have fallen for if he had revealed his true self to me.
So you see I don’t miss him, but I miss aspects of the “fake” him – the one that was pretending to be nice to reel me in. Does my ex sound anything like yours? If so then put the “fake” him out of your mind – that man doesn’t exist.
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