Feeling humiliated

[selfish]

This is definitely my safe place, and I’m not able to speak to anyone in real life as they will just think I’m being silly. I stupidly requested to follow an old flame on social media a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know what I was thinking. We have mutual friends and I just thought it would have been fun. Anyway, much to my total humiliation he just ignored my request. I kept kidding myself that maybe he hadn’t seen it, but he commented on a mutual friends photo, so the realisation he ignored me came true. It’s so stupid l, but I just feel like a total idiot and now believing maybe my ex was right and I am everything he called me. I must look desperate and the stupid thing is I am no where near ready to move on, and I come with so much baggage that I would never ever think anyone would willingly want to date me anyway.
I can’t explain why the rejection hurt so much. I guess I wanted to prove that I wasn’t what he said I was, and instead it’s done the opposite and set me back so far. I’ve spent all evening just telling myself how embarrassing I am, and what am
Idiot to think anyone might take an interest. On top of all this my ex has chosen this time to start his campaign against me. I felt the shift a few weeks back and knew something was coming and last night it started. I’m now waiting the consequences of leaving. I just wanted something positive I guess, and instead I just made it worse for myself. My confidence is on the floor. I have so much weight to loose, and I’m trying to hard but it’s not shifting. I didn’t care about myself for years because of my ex, and I’m trying, but the abuse and constant criticism is always there. Will it ever go. I don’t want to feel this worthless anymore.

[minimeerkat]

just wanted to send a hug your way
when weve experienced abuse we can sometimes without knowing it look to others for confirmation of our worthlessness – & as you say then believe we deserved how we were treated
there could be many reasons why you did not get a response from this person but the important thing is that perhaps you are still quite vulnerable to any form of ‘rejection’ at the moment
hopefully when you are a lot stronger you will be more able to cope with this sort of thing, because it will happen to any of us as we attempt friendships, relationships etc
it was brave of you to try to connect with this person. probably deep down yes you wanted to feel better about yourself. but perhaps whilst you are still recovering it might be safer to get this feeling from those already close to you – people you love & trust
when you are ready & have made progress the right person will come into your life
try as hard as you can not to let this cause you too much pain & stay strong
thinking of you x

[selfish]

Thank you minimeerkat, You are right, I am still very raw, and probably looked to rush the healing process. I just feel like I looked so desperate doing it, even though a social media request isn’t even a big deal, particularly with mutual friends, but being ignored just triggered me more than if he just rejected the request. I think I wanted the distraction from what is going on with my separation, and to not have to face the reality of what I lived through. I cancelled the request last night as it felt like I was taking back some control. I’m sitting in my car trying to stop crying so I can go into the shops, and it’s hard to get the motivation to go in. The little bit of confidence I had to send the request is now gone and the urge to go home to bed is so strong, but I have to I can’t give in to it or I’ll never get better. Xx

[minimeerkat]

we cannot control other peoples behaviour – & if they have let themselves down in any way then thats their guilt & shame, not ours
so try not to let anyone become responsible for your self worth – build it up very slowly by yourself
you keep going & hold your head up high x

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