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I feel solely responsible and stupid for not getting out or help sooner. Every where I have been besides women’s aid have patronised me and told me to grow up get a job and save for a solicitor. They fail to see that is what I was doing when my ex forced contact using a lie and then turned it around on me to make me look like a head case simply for trying to defend myself and prove I’m innocent of any wrong doing. This has left me feeling even more suffocated and alone than the hell I was trapped in when he lived with me.
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Hi good Samaritan
Please don’t feel bad in yourself .I was same early on in my relationship and not seeing the red flags sooner
So please do not blame yourself ..abusers abuse Hun ..When I left my ex .it opened my eyes I felt the same way as you …. abusers blame us that’s there goal
I was trapped to till his mask totally slipped
So hold your head up high and don’t blame yourself
For there actions x*x -
I’ve spent the morning at my GPs explaining what had happened to me over the years and even he said don’t blame yourself or feel guilty or ashamed and to feel proud of myself for surviving and unmasking a (detail removed by moderator) he said a lot of people sadly don’t make it to this stage. So I am feeling a lot more positive and now the adult domestic abuse team are involved hopefully things can be put in place to make me feel a bit more secure in my home. It is the forced no contact that is my issue now because he spent enough years suppressing me while he was with me and I’d already proven to myself I could resist him without the need for a harassment warning issuing against me. He used the police as a pawn in his game. He would ring me and trigger me to respond either by text or email and he showed them all the emails that he had not responded to but instead rang me. The police haven’t even looked at all the things I have on my phone that he has done they have just issued me with the warning from seeing his side. That’s the part that is making me really angry and unfairly treat
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Good Samaritan
I was so angry for a long time with the law as they sided with him .everyone else seen him for what he was
We know the truth that’s all that matters .
I tried for so long to get the justice I deserved .
But sadly it never worked out for me
Thing is it will stay on file in case he pops up again
I just waiting on karma now stay strong x -
It’s not your fault. None of us saw it coming. That’s how clever they are. If I was you I’d put in a complaint about the police. Perhaps your local women’s aid or Citizens advice can help you with this. Or please speak to a domestic abuse officer. They may be able to charge him with something like lying to the police. At the very least they should remove your harassment order and give him one. I’m so glad you found a supportive GP. He’s right. 30 women a day in the U.K. attempt suicide because of abuse and two per week succeed. Then there’s three per week who are murdered by their current or ex partners. Well done you x
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I was on the verge of putting in a complaint last night because I was furious at the condescending way the wpc spoke to me. It took me all my strength to get there to be told people lie go get a job save some money. Fact is I did just that I was working flat out from 7.30 to 11pm and wasn’t contacting him or responding to him. He was the one that forced the contact using yet another fabrication on his part. I explained to the domestic abuse team today and she took the details and I explained my disgust at him using the police to instil yet more fearful in me. They tried to make out it was for both our protection but I was never a threat I had moved on. Now I’m left feeling like the abuser because of it.
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I’m going to ring them tomorrow. He has literally destroyed my character. I have looked into what a harassment warning will show up on and it clearly states an advanced CRB and visa application check. I am fuming because when we first separated it was devestating at first but we did remain on speaking terms in which time he learned of my plans to go overseas and study or volunteer with animals. The talking just fizzled out or so I thought. Then out of the blue 2 mths after we separated I got an abusive phone call accusing me of ringing his mum when I didn’t even know her number I’d never known it is was also fast asleep at the time of the alleged call and never even knew they were together as far as I was aware he was away with his pals so it came as an absolute shock to me and it has all spiralled from that. None of it makes any sense he had clearly moved on with someone else and I was loving my freedom of my new job. Now this is the position I’m left in. Cracking up over another of his lies
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From a young man accusing me of ringing his mum my exes new partner that should read.
I actually woke up to 2 missed calls from a private number that I had slept through. So none of it is making any sense to me at all. His lies has changed me mentally, physically and morally and the police do not care at all
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Hi Good Samaritan,
I agree with the others, definitely fight for justice here and don’t just let him get away with it. If it was me I would create a neat, clear word document with my evidence clearly laid out such as screenshots of phonecalls, emails, texts etc. with dates, times and as much detail as possible. Then print it off. I did this when I reported my ex and the police were still horrible and invalidating to me but they did at least issue him with a warning, which I suspect they wouldn’t have without my evidence.
Then I would ring them up and calmly ask to speak to the domestic abuse team and arrange to meet them face to face armed with your word document evidence. It’s their duty to listen to you and not fob you off. Don’t speak to the ones who fobbed you off the first time, see if you can get an someone else and explain what happened. Then if they still don’t believe you, put in a clear, calm complaint backed up with evidence. If you know anyone who is good at writing legal documents/complaints forms ask for their help (I have often asked a family member who is trained in legal matters and they help me increase the impact and effectiveness of my letters).
It’s important to stay calm about it and have as much evidence as you can as it is harder for them to ignore then.
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P.S When I first met my ex, I thought he was the nicest, loveliest man I’d met in years. I noticed a few things that seemed a bit ‘off,’ but never realised how serious they were and decided to give him a chance because 99% of the time he seemed absolutely wonderful. If you’d told me ‘that guy is a domestic abuser, be warned’ I would have probably laughed, that’s how ludicrous it seemed.
None of us fully saw the signs, or else we wouldn’t be here. These men are expert manipulators, with years and practice. Try not to blame yourself, although I often feel the same so I know what it’s like. Remember that these men have been practicing this skill with many people before you and have it perfected, they even often fool police and psychiatrists.
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I wish I had the knowledge and money to do all that. Unfortunately the financial position it’s left me in already has crippled me to even afford basic necessities to survive month to month. I’m meant to be starting a driving course next week but with all this happening my mind just won’t focus on anything else. I’ve gone from not having him on my mind to him and the situation being constantly on it. It has caused a complete mental breakdown
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Hi Good Samaritan, if you don’t have a PC at home to create a document for the police then ask the library, they usually have them and you could type up the document there. And if you needed some help writing it you could ask CAB for help or your local domestic abuse team. No need for it to cost any money.
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