Feeling like a failure

[Caledonia6]

I have previously posted on here about my sons challenging behaviour.
Tonight him and his older brother told me I’m not doing a good job disciplining their younger brother who was in trouble today.
They were both so disrespectful and rude to me it was shocking.
(detail removed by moderator)
If he lays down the law I need to go along with it.
He has enabled this rudeness towards me from my sons.
One minute he’s telling them not to be disrespectful to me, the next he’s belittling me, the next he’s saying I’m not raising the boys properly then I am etc. I’m so tired of it all I’m stressed out, missing work because I’m exhausted and feel so lonely and annoyed that I can’t make the step to leave as I’m scared of breaking the family up. Scared of not being believed as my husband is so charming and the boys think he’s wonderful and scared my older boys will hate me if I leave.
My husband has said so many times I mess everything up ( including family life) (detail removed by moderator) year old has repeated this to me it’s heartbreaking

[Better-days]

Caledonia6 I can relate so much to your post my oldest son primary school age I feel is turning from the sweetest wee boy to a mini version on his dad it’s killing me. How on earth did I get to this point to realise all that he is. Breaking the family up seems so wrong but staying does too it’s very difficult. I’m taking very small steps I hope I can be brave enough to go when the time comes. Big hugs xx

[browneyedmum]

You’re not a failure, you’re a survivor. I experienced much the same as you.

My internal monologue when my husband would shout at the kids to treat me with some respect was often something along the lines of, “Because I’m your punching bag, but not theirs? Check the example you’re setting.”

When he moved out, things got a little worse with the kids, but since has gotten much better. It wasn’t without support, however… engaging with school and pastoral care; enlisting others to talk with them about how they were behaving towards me; even a few calls to Childline where I said to the children, “If I’m being so unreasonable, go ask Childline.”

I hope those days are behind me and the kids. It did literally feel like a stab in the heart whenever I’d hear his words coming out of my child’s mouth… as though, even though he’s moved out, he’s still here.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Caledonia6, it is so hurtful when they influence our children… my 2 children were both influenced because they were raised within an abusive relationship.. I also felt very guilty for breaking our family up (I was married for decades) … when I did separate (and it took me a few attempts as my husband didn’t make it easy, he made it clear that I was destroying our family) … I now realise that I wasn’t breaking our family up, I wasn’t destroying anything as it was my husband and his behaviours which drove me to separate..
Have you been on the Freedom Programme? Your husband sounds like ‘King of the Castle” with his controlling behaviour and belittling you. He is conditioning your children to be the same as him.

Do you have any support? This must be so hard for you, as a mum myself it used.tear.at my heart when my husband uses our children to assert himself over me..

Big hugs
HFH ❤️

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hello

I relate to what you say and sending you a big hug. I know how you feel and its exhausting.

You are not a failure you are a very strong lady and you are facing a very difficult situation.

When my oldest children were young my husband told me off for disapplining the children. If I was every angry, parents do get angry from time to time, I was made to feel like I was a monster. He would send me away like I was unhinged and comfort the children. As they have gotten older they see who he really is and our relatinships are better, infact we are extremely close but they struggle with their father.

My youngest thinks Dad is the best person in the world. However, the mask is already slipping and where he was close and i was pushed out, even physically he would get in my way to get to our child first so he could be the superhero and comfort them befoer i got a chance.

Now I keep quiet, but I stand up for the kids when I can I have to time it right and watch what I say. However, thats not right either as I am often told I dont back him up. What that actually means in my eyes is a dont agree with how he disaplines the children, I am much more calm (sometimes) but even if I am cross at times, I do listen and work things out with the children. He cannot do this its his way and that is that.

If you do decide to leave it will be because of how he is and not your fault, people always see the truth in the end and your children will see him for who he truly is eventually, the mask will slip.

CB X

[Author]

Posts