Feeling like I’m going backwards

[Anonymous]

I posted in a previous post about my past relationship and how I’ve found myself in a new happy relationship

I’ve noticed that I can’t get out the cycle of how I was previously. Not wanting to talk about my problems cause I’m scared I’ll get shouted at (he’s given me no reason to be scared) etc

He knows about my past and how it was but tonight idk it upset me the most

He made a jokey comment as he normally does and I said “it’s not like I’ve heard that before!” And he asked how many people have said that comment to me and who. I told him one of them was my ex (when my ex used to say it to me it hurt). He then said “it’s nice to know I remind you of your ex”. I said that I didn’t mean that and he just said “There wasn’t any need to say that”.

I’m just lay there not being able to say a word. Like I’ve gone into panic mode all over again and feel like bursting into tears. I’ve gone silent on him
And have not said a word. He hasn’t said anything either and has kept his back to me. I tried to hug him and he did not even flinch. No reciprocation jusy laid with his back to me

My mind is going into panic mode. Like a fight or flight situation and all those overwhelming people pleaser feelings are coming back. Like I have to make it better even though I don’t think I did anything wrong? Did I?!

[Breadandroses]

No you didn’t do anything wrong.

It is normal after to feel the way you do. In my experience it can flare up unexpectedly years later.

A comment, a gesture, a row and I would doubt myself, my partner etc etc.

It is hard to explain and it is hard to hear it from their perspective

But why on earth wouldn’t your body and mind react to those memories and try to keep you safe. That isvwhat happens your body remembers and you feel weird and after a while you recognise the triggers..or most of them.

I used to react so badly to any suggestion I wasn’t doing something right or well…even when a person was just trying to show me an easier way or a better way. I would take it negatively. I became a bit of a control freak really wanting to prove myself to everyone. So I had wonky shelves in my house you name it I wouldn’t accept help. One day my dad said to me. Why won’t you let us help you anymore? I could feel his hurt. I refused help to buy a Xmas tree honestly I was that skint that year and my daughter told them! It s exactly that…you can’t tell the difference. I was told so often I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own..every offer of help was a slight and confirmation of that.
Can you get counselling? It helps some people. Recovery on your own is hard and it is hard for partners too. It is so hard to explain it can help to talk it through.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your reply!

I totally understand what you are saying. I’m also struggling with people giving me feedback or questioning why I do something like the way I do. Even if it’s said in a kind, supportive way. I still get this pang and become really withdrawn and upset which I know can be frustrating for my other half because he doesn’t want me upset but also doesn’t understand why I’m so upset over the fact he asked me why I do something the long way rather than doing it like this and proceeds to show me.

My past ex was full of Criticism, everything was a little dig at me which is probably why I feel like everything now is a little dig at me. I’m very aware of how I feel but it’s like I can’t get out of the cycle.

I also hate when people ask me what I want to do or what I want to have for dinner. I hate it cause my mind thinks it’s a test and if I say the wrong thing. That’s it. I’ll be humiliated.

Im looking into therapy. I did do therapy while with him but it ended abruptly as he told me I didn’t need it and that it wont work. It’s not for me. He convinced me out of it basically

[Breadandroses]

Hi

I am doing counselling and I won’t lie it is harder than I thought.

I said I didn’t mind seeing a man as I wanted to see someone quickly so ticked every box.

I think that was a barrier st first but to be honest I saw a woman a while back and had similar issues if not worse.

It was actually him who suggested or rather asked me if I thought womans aid would be able to support me again re an issue that came up with my daughter. He does not give advice!!! I keep asking. Lol.

I nearly gave up on this counselling as I did before because of something he said that left me ruminating for days. I asked a friend if I should stop because I felt like it made me worse and she listed off all the ways she thought I was coping better since I had started which surprised me. I have known her decades and she said you have talked to me more in the last few months about how you feel then in years and she said I really didn’t know how hard it gets for you, you are so funny about it all. I try to be that’s true. You wouldn’t believe that on here. À

I went back and (removed by moderator) and he was fine we just talked about that and that is how I ended up here really.

So counselling is weird. I find I notice things after that it doesn’t even feel like we tslked about. I certainly had no idea I still people pleased so much. I didn’t think I did as much now. And how much I feel no one understands or ever could (thats what made me angry i felt he said he understood something and was like …really??? But in myvhead of course) and how overwhelmed I get when trying to explain. I keep saying there is just too much..too much happened

But you know slowly, slowly. I said no when he suggested this and the reason I gave him is so not the reason I found this daunting when i looked at it. When I realised that it was like oh! And then a bit down and then a bit wobbly and then yesterday…you can’t change things if you don’t try out things. But I would say this feels so safe and counselling you are actually more visible and getting questions sometimes that can challenge you. For me I find it hard to say some things outloud even when it is clear in my head.

I do it on line though so I am in my own safe space which suits me.

So I think you have to be up for it or say when you are not. We agreed I would say when I get my pains in my wrists which happens when I get anxious like if it has been happening or happens in the sessions…that is a sure sign for me to be careful.

He literally told me to tell him to F off if I wanted too…ummm. haven’t yet.

It s hard I have thought about trying it again for ages. I was a bit forced into by circumstances that made me afraid I would really go backwards again. But maybe I needed the push to do it.

You can always stop is what I think but I did learn this time it is better to say that to them than just run like I did before and text a cheerio!

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