feeling lonely

[Sad sunflower]

Hello ladies,

My ex has been emailing me for a couple of weeks now. I did reply at first but soon realised it was not worth it. I try to move on with my life as best as I can and am actually doing great at work and even planning a holiday with a couple friends.

Everything seems great from the outside but I feel so empty and numb right now. I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that I feel like I will never find a partner again. I started seeing this new guy a few weeks ago, we went on two dates. On the second one, he kissed me and it actually felt good and I felt proud of myself for not feeling guilty or like I was cheating on my abusive ex. We were supposed to go on another date today but I haven’t heard from him since last week. I am so upset right now. I mean how hard is it to call to cancel the date? I feel that was so disrespectful and it just reinforces my feelings that no one will ever like me let alone want to be in a relationship with me ever again. I feel so low right now 

[KIP.]

It’s far too soon in my opinion to be dating again. You are still very vulnerable and looking for men for validation. You need to work on your own self esteem first. It took me almost four years and I’m still not thinking completely straight. I felt exactly like you do although I didn’t go one more than one date with one guy. I used dating as a way to re socialise and practice my social skills. Start building on the relationships you already have with friends and family. It takes quite a long time to recover from abuse. There is no rush. I felt lonely for a long time. Weekends were terrible. All of my time and effort had gone into my abuser and I just didn’t know how to move on emotionally because of the trauma bond. Time and no contact. It does get better x

[Sad sunflower]

Dear @KIP you are an angel! You know so much about abuse and your advice is always so spot on. Four years is a long time! I want to be my old self as soon as possible, but you are right, there’s no need to rush. Thanks for always replying to my posts. Big hug

[fridges]

Hello, Sad sunflower,
I understand well how you are feeling, I was just like you. Not sure yet, if I can say I passed it fully. But in the moments of weakness – I keep reminding, as a woman, I should choose me first.
The guy is not the good guy, if he would be nice and respectful , he would not behave this way. I think he is testing the waters, by doing this behaviour, how far you can stretch and how you will react.
I came across many men like him in my life, and with every similar experience like this, you believe less and less in yourself. It happens that you meet more of the men who kept letting you down or treat you not with respect, when you are fresh.
Do not put this in your head. That he behaved this way, it does mean you have no value, no worth and that you will not have a good man in time. You will meet one and you deserve a good person. Some men do this way, so we will keep our expectations low and be happy with little crumbles, whenever it suits them.
Do not put your value in the hands of a man, this way the confidence is very fragile, you are very fragile.
You need to have a plan with him – if he will write you again, you should not brush it away. You can say, that you do not like this behaviour, and will not be tolerating. From his reaction to it – you will also learn more about him.
Or even could be – he will never get in touch again, happened to me too.
Or may be you will choose yourself, one time was enough and just cut him out now. It depends how you feel…and if he will get in touch, what he is going to say or to see his actions. If it will be worth to give him a go.

Some time ago – I was out with friends and a very handsome man wanted to get to know me, he was nice. And then after asking me out, he just went quiet. Before this he was showing a lot, that he likes me. i remember he wrote me, i wrote to him asking how is he and how he is doing?
there was no reply…
then i felt like a fool, what i’m doing here?
he invited me, then he started behave not fully ok, like i’m not interesting anymore and I could feel it.
I was upset, just like you and lonely. But then I decided, that I block him and just take him out from my space.
As i did not like – when i was made to feel like this. Now looking back I feel I’m changing. My behaviour was not good, some time ago, if the man would behave this way, something was clicking in my head ( the fear of abandonment ) and I would try so hard to please the man.
Nourish the strong, beautiful woman inside you. When you will start to feel it inside you, the right person will come.
Do not think about your age or make someone else to feel bad that you are single. Had lots of it, even my own mother. Better to be with very bad man, than single. And if I’m single, I’m a kind of a looser in my culture.
Not true at all!

[Sad sunflower]

Dear @fridges I can relate with you on so many levels! I myself come from a culture where if you are not married by 30 you are a failure. My parents are very understanding but I can feel there are upset because they want grandchildren and well, I don’t even have a boyfriend. I also go out of my way all the time to please men and it upsets me a lot. This guy I am talking about in my post, he has done this before, cancel our dates of change plans with almost no notice and I have been very patient. But you are right, if he was a good man he wouldn’t be doing this. I have already told him this upsets me and it seems he just doesn’t care so I think it’s best to stop talking to him.

Thank you thank you for replying to my post and sharing your experience with me. It seems like we have a lot in common. Big hug

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