Feeling lost

[Alone]

I feel completely lost for words right now. Feeling lost in general. I thought things were going well with my new job, as they promised to take things at my pace after losing my mum, but when I tried to talk to them about introducing more responsibility, I was treated horribly! Cut off mid sentence, not allowed to finish what I was saying, told I need to take time off. I left feeling like I’d been in an argument. Came home to my family member who is still telling me he will throw me out any time he wants to. I’ve been struggling to sleep, struggling to concentrate, and I made a mistake that lead to my bank card being blocked, so I’m late with the rent, but have the money and will pay it, but being treated like a criminal because I haven’t paid yet!

I just feel like there is no safe space in the world, no matter where I go, or what changes in my life it feels like people are always going to treat me badly, I’m beginning to wonder whether I was actually put on this earth to be a punch bag! Really just feel like giving up.

[Anonymous]

Hi Alone, Hang on in there, I am feeling a bit like you today although a lot of mine is self induced too many bad decisions. You are not put on this earth to be a punch bag you just have to find the right people to surround yourself with. xx

[Ayanna]

Well, work is a place of endless torture. Unfortunately we have to work to pay our bills.
Try not to focus on work too much.
When you have a life of abuse work is hardly ever good because the people are awful and like to bully abuse victims. They lay into your weaknesses. This is how people are. I got through similar at work.

The rent will be paid.

Now, why can you not live somewhere else? What about sharing a flat/house with strangers? You obviously are able to pay rent. What is holding you back to live somewhere else? I think you need to explore this and have deep thoughts how you can improve your living situation by moving somewhere else.

[lover of no contact]

So glad you posted. Its too much to deal with on your own. Difficult people at work, bullying person in your home space and your mum’s death and having been reared in an abusive home environment where all in the home bullied you.

I too am dealing with horrible people at work and main bullies have orchestrated a smear campaign against me so even the people who I got on well with have been influenced and are ‘cold’ towards me. So I read the posts on here daily to stay strong. I also look up ‘funny images’ on the internet with caption headings such as ‘bullying, intimidation’. I find humour helps me and takes away the power of their hurtful behaviour towards me. I like the ‘somee cards’ ones a lot.

Also I like what Ayanna says and this will help me too. I will try and not focus on work too much. I am just working to pay my bills, for my paycheck, and to stay free (financially). I’m working to be self-supporting financially so I don’t have to rely on any other person. I could quit my job to get away from the bullies but then I’d be left with financial problems.

I’m also trying to really notice and cherish the positive, respectful people in my workplace. I don’t work with them directly but I still come across them (and they are not influenced by the bullies so they are normal towards me). I love my work and the commute to work is easy so I’m trying to be grateful for that. It takes a lot of work on my part to bat away the negativity from my co-workers but I’m making an effort using this Forum, funny images about their behaviour, forced gratitude and trying to notice the positive in my day even if its just the autumn view on any given day.

Ayanna gives good advice about an option of trying to find an alternative living space with a different person to share with other than the person you are sharing with. You can’t change the behaviours of the person you are living with but you do have the power to change who you choose to live with.

Keep posting Alone, for the strength and energy to make that change.

[Alone]

Thank you for the replies.

I mean absolutely no offence at all, but I am asked about moving (and answer the question!) every single time I post. I cannot afford to move. I was not entitled to housing when I applied when my mother was alive, and that status hasn’t changed. I pay a very low rent as it is council accommodation, and I am not the tenant, so not entitled to request a move through the council. There is a ten year plus waiting list if I add my name to the list, but I was told I fall into the lowest priority category, which on the forms and their website says should look into alternative housing arrangements. I pay less than three figures weekly, which I cant find anywhere else (I have looked!) and I can’t keep working six days a week.

I drew up spider diagrams of each area of my life that needs working on, and colour co-ordinated them. I keep coming back to needing to sort my jobs ahead of anything else, I have to work out a way to reduce my working pattern, while maintaining a liveable income.

I’m finding myself withdrawing more and more. People who have known me since infant school have stopped talking to me since my mum died. I literally have no one in my life to just hang out with, and I don’t even try to share what I’m going through with anyone. I just don’t have that faith or trust in anyone anymore, and doubt I ever will again. I can’t even work out why I’m doing all this, why I keep getting up every day and going to work, coming home and all preparations are for the next work day. I really just can’t see the point in anything, I’ve lost all motivation and all hope. No matter what has happened, I’ve always had a shred of hope, but now it’s just gone.

Sorry to moan.

xx

[Author]

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