Feeling lost – advice needed as I face a big decision

[Sunflower87]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and feeling very unsure of what to do next, so I hope it’s okay to post. I’ve been in a long-term relationship — we’re married and have a young child together. On the outside, things might look fine: we own a home, we go on holidays, we’re a “normal” family. But the truth is, there’s been a long-standing pattern of emotional volatility, controlling behaviours, and outbursts that leave me feeling deeply upset and unseen.

Over the years, there have been explosive arguments, instances of shouting in my face, name-calling, manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional pressure — often followed by apologies and promises to change. He says he is very quick to apologise and he moves on, and he didn’t realise that I harbour such horrible feelings afterwards. He says he had no idea because I never told him but I couldn’t tell him because anytime I try to talk to him, I am shut down or told that my version of events isn’t accurate.</p>
I was really sick a few montsh ago, the most sick I have ever been. I couldn’t get out of bed. He didn’t take care of me, didn’t check on me and hired a babysitter to go to (event removed by Moderator) which broke me. I felt so uncared for. (timeframe removed by Moderator) he said he went back through our text messages and he looked at his bank statements. He said (quote removed by Moderator). It just makes me feel like an absolute idiot. Yes he may have done those 2 things but I know how it felt and still feels afterwards – incredibly uncared for.

I’ve tried to keep things together for the sake of our child, but I’m now at a point where I feel emotionally depleted. I’ve started therapy and spoken to a solicitor, but I’m torn. My partner is now desperate to work on things and insists that we can change and break the cycle. He says he loves me and wants to keep the family together. He cannot fathom that I have got to this point and has even accused me of something else going on i.e. me cheating on him. He can’t understand why this is all coming up all of the sudden. There was a huge emotional outburst when my son (specific incident removed by Moderator). My husband flipped out on me and that was the final straw for me. It was as if I woke up and just said I am done. I cannot handle the outbursts any longer.

I have been triggered, I have said things to him over the years in response to the treatment that yes, are unkind and I do feel ashamed by that. But the emotional abuse takes it toll.

I have been grappling with this incredibly hard decision, and I have no idea what to do. I’m overwhelmed by fear of the emotional fallout, the financial instability, and the effect on our child. But I’m also scared of what will happen to me if I stay. I don’t want to wake up in a year, regretting not having left.

He promises things can change, that he cannot believe we are here, that he loves me and will do anything it takes to change and that there are such great aspects. He desperately wants to keep his “perfect” family and cannot fathom being without us. It pulls me back in and makes me feel absolutely horrible.

I’m reaching out to ask if anyone here has been in a similar situation, where you weren’t sure whether to stay or leave, especially with young children involved. How did you make that decision? And if you did leave, how did you protect your child’s well-being through the process?

Thank you so much for reading. I feel very isolated and would be so grateful for any support or wisdom from others who understand.

[Lisa]

Hi Sunflower87,

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

Abuse can be confusing and exhausting, and it can feel overwhelming to know what to do. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. I am sure others reading will relate to your post and will be able to offer some support if they feel able to.

If you feel some ongoing emotional and practical support would be helpful then there are local domestic abuse services who can often offer this. Your local service can be found here.

Keep posting to us when you can, we understand how difficult things can be.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Sb3stush]

Hi Sunflower! I think your child having a happy and fulfilled mother is more important. Right now, it is looking like you are suffering and that will imprint on your child, whether you think it does or not.

I have three kids with my husband I am now in the process of divorcing. The way he treated me (and still does when he sees me) is not acceptable – belittling, insting, berating, and humiliating. I will not allow my children to witness this throughout their life. If anything, they deserve to have the example of what normal human relationships of love and looking out for one another mean.

The first time he found out that I was wanting to divorce him, he begged me on his knees. The same man who threw insults to my face and had fits of rage over trifles, and brought me to tears. This is a manipulative cycle and it will not change. I have seen it and lived it twice at my end. I finally left without warning him because he spins back into a his usual behaviour after a time.

Children will overcome and understand. They need to know their parents still love them of course and things like seeing the parents and having them over at one another’s houses can be always organised. But your life matters too!

[Sb3stush]

I’ve been rereading what you wrote and I noticed a few things… first of all, “his perfect family” and also “we” (as if you two, the two of you) will need to work through this is very comfortably manioulating you into thinking this is onky your fault because he does not seem to have the emltional maturity to admit that his behaviour is at the origin of this. So all this is very performative as if that perfect family is there for others to experience but under the surface it is you who suffers through it all.
I think yoi can ask yourself some questions that will help, I think. At least, this is what I did…
Are you unhappy without him? Do you miss him? What is this driven by? Is it because you feel genuinely loved and his absence makes you less of who you are, or are you actually more yourself and more free? Who are you on your own?
I notice in my kids that they are naturally happy and cheerful, and they adapt and overcome, and I need to be perfectly honest with myself, that I took my decision for my sake because, after all, if I cannot be myself, how will I be the best I can be for my children? It is very difficult to come to terms with the idea that something we hoped to build with someone will come to an end, but it is also important to understand that we are not alone in our relationships.
The fact he accuses you of having an affair is very telling – anything but him! Of course, he is not responsible, it mudt be someone else, something else… typical manioulator. Mine accused me of that as well all at the same time stating tjat I am too fat for anyone to actually like me! Imagine…

[Sunflower87]

Thank you all so much for your responses. It is really helpful having this forum to lean on and ask advice.

I have spoken to a solicitor and have a lot of information now. At the end of the day, my son is what matters the most to me and his well being is at the forefront. I just want him to be emotionally OK when the divorce happens.

I am scared of losing my house but I will need to come to terms with that.

When my husband is not around or when I am travelling, I feel so free, so clear. It is wonderful. When he is here, I feel anxious, exhausted, and not myself. These are all red flags, i know they are.

He is in denial about the situation and keeps talking about the future and all his grand plans for us. It is very unsettling. My son is starting at a new school in September and I want to make sure that he is settled before taking the plunge but maybe I am just avoiding the inevitable and I need to rip the bandaid off.

It is hard and emotionally daunting and sad.

[Sb3stush]

Hey Sunflower!

My three were through my separation and current divorce. With the youngest, I was trying to be simple and straightforward in explaining that mum and dad will live apart but still love her very much. With the teens the explaining was im a way easier – they are switched on.

I found that school is a great positive anchor for all ages. I would say, visit the school together, talk to the teachers if you can as well. Make stable routines and really explain what will not change – bedtime, brekfast, school runs, outing with mum/dad.

In my view, an unstable household and unhappy or insecure mother is worse for them than actually the separation. Always emphasise your love for your children. I left our home, but found that a home is more than a house. A home is where you feel loved, where you create a cosy space for yourself feeling secure. Me and the kids feel much better now though we live in a smaller home – we have a kitchen living space with the couch and TV and have TV dinners together and we have two rooms upstairs. The two elder share a room – we built it together and they feel they made their own space so that counts.

Wishing you courage and stay strong and secure in your love for your child.

[Sb3stush]

The way I left with the kids was sudden for my husband, but to be very honest I had a lot of time to think and prepare since my first (number removed by Moderator) attempts to leave were not successful. I did prepare the ground a little bit with telling stories to the kids, especially the youngest, about having two homes, living apart and so on. There are some good picture books out there – Two Homes Filled With Love is one I used to read with her. There are some others. Have a look in Waterstones or on Amazon.

[feelingtrapped01]

Hello, how are you?

I wanted to reach out as our experiences and how we feel sound really similar. The explosive arguments, gaslighting, insults, playing on my insecurities, coercion. I am exactly the same, none of it leaves me, in fact I think it feels worse than ever now we have a young child, and I hold so much resentment towards him about how he treated me during postpartum, and whilst pregnant, calling me fat for example. The one person who should make you feel safe, allow you to be vulnerable did the opposite. I’ve been grappling with the exact same as you. He wants to try but I feel completely depleted. I recoil when he touches me, I just want to be alone and peaceful. Then I am told I am abusive for ‘neglecting’ him. The latest thing is he feels neglected because our toddler needs me to lie with her at night to get sleep at the moment. I’m worn out, I can’t give anymore. I gave so much for so many years.
I also get all the accusations too. When I first told him how I felt he was convinced I was having an affair – it couldn’t possibly the awful treatment for years. Everytime I socialise, go Pilates, hairdressers, he thinks I’ve met someone, or having an affair with my hairdresser. I’m so tired.
But all this comes with him insulting me for years, so deep down I know I do crave being made to feel attractive.
I also completely resonate with having reacted in the past, I’ve said and done some things I deeply regret. They play on my mind a lot, thinking am I the bad person? But if I am able to think that, take accountability, hold guilt and regret, surely I’m less of a bad person? He doesn’t take any responsibility or accountability. Even when I saw a therapist who said I was in an abusive relationship, regrettably I told him and he said she’s using me for money, twisting and warping my mind….
Sorry for going so much into my experiences, I just feel we are struggling with the same issue. I’m told I would be breaking up our family if we divorced, he makes big horrible threats on what he’d do, that he’d have nothing to live for.. I’d be doing all that. It makes you feel trapped. For being the one to say enough is enough.
I don’t know what I’ll do, our child is only a toddler, I worry about divorcing whilst she is so young, having two homes, unsettling her, she still very much needs me. I just don’t know if I can do it yet. So I’m still here, like you, grappling between my happiness and my child’s security.
have you opened up to anyone close to you? It’s a scary thing to do. I hope you are ok as can be xx

[Maybe]

Hi all. Can I just say I stayed am.still there. I stayed for the kids sake BUT question that every single day. Staying for their sake for Me was a bit of a get out.

Well I fairness I could never ne sure that if he was looking after the kids they’d be comforted wen needed, hugged and loved. As this was all impacted by wat mood he was in, often he would be giving us all the silent treatment. My point is here I stayed, the kids still suffered. The abuse n silent treatment gets worse year on year as they keep pushing your boundaries n you still stay. Am still here, mine our now teens. They are both continually ignored for long period of times cause he’s ignoring me. My eldest they don’t have any kind of relationship, my eldest no longer cares is wat he says. My youngest teen says they hate comming home they dread the summer holidays. They’ve struggled with anger anxiety. Staying does not equate to a happy child or person. I feel things have just got worse. Yes it would have been hell to divorce 10 years ago but it’s going to be the same now.

Please don’t let that make you stay. Good luck, be kind to yourself. Go with your gut. Take care x

[feelingtrapped01]

Thank you for sharing this and being open about what it’s like to stay. It is so hard to leave, so always remember that – it’s not an easy decision to make.
I am scared of the impacts it could have on my daughter too, hearing and seeing how he is with me, with my husband he is generally a good dad, his silent treatment has meant he hasn’t cared for our daughter for a whole week once, and he blames it on me for being open about how I felt. But I could never imagine me ignoring my responsibilities as a mum just because of how he’s treated me. Just (timeframe removed by Moderator) while we were all out in the car he called me psychotic and that I make things up in my head, and that I ‘gaslight’ him, he’s started using those terms now which I’ve read that they do. And then he switches back to normal, expects me to be normal and carry on. But it leaves scars doesn’t it. My mum stayed with my own dad and I wished we could leave when we were young, and now I feel like im repeating it. But until you are in it you don’t know just how hard mentally it is to leave, as well as all the practical things.
I hope you can trust in your strength to leave and create that future you always dreamed of, it is never too late. X

[Author]

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