Feeling responsible

[SilkyHalide]

I know I’m not but I keep feeling sorry for him. He’s so hurt by wording on legal communications. I can’t work out if he thinks I’m making it up and doesn’t realise my actions are valid. I want to say I’m not trying to hurt you I’m just standing up for myself and putting my self first. Why do I still feel I have to justify my actions to him?
I bumped into some mutual friends and acquaintances recently and he hadn’t said anything about me. I normalised and only said the usual stuff like it was a typical break up. Trouble is it then started feeling like I had over reacted. Like I believed my own minimisation meant to protect him from others reactions. And to protect others from uncomfortable truths.

[SilkyHalide]

I wish he would get some help as I’m worried he will start to realise his responsibility in all this and break trying to keep it to himself and turning on himself.

[Healthyarchive]

SH, i am sorry that you are troubled by this. I am feeling very similar to you right now. Sorry for my ex, believing he has mental health problems which will bring him down in life. To the extent that I have made contact with a relative of his saying I want him to be ok and happy. I am concerned about him, allthough I would not want to be in a relationship again with him. He was mentally abusive to me. I was almost at the point of texting him recently just to say hello and that i hope he is ok, because I care about his wellbeing. At the last hour i stopped myself. I reminded myself of his control and manipulation tactics. That from my point of view, harmless interaction, would have been turned around, twisted so in some way I come away feeling insecure, sad or negative. It may be helpful to remind ourselves that we are not dealing with people who communicate in normal, decent straightforward ways where you can have an adult respectful interaction.

[SilkyHalide]

Yes HA it is mostly emotional abuse with mine. And like you I stopped myself sending an email for same reasons as you. It’s just turned back on you when you try to offer compassion and empathy.
No contact is the only way and finding someone to share the feelings of guilt with who understand and validate the feelings and your no contact continuance.

[SilkyHalide]

Thank you xx
Those Friends were OK supportive because neither of us has revealed our versiins of what’s behind our split.

[Healthyarchive]

SH, i think you are right, though it is hard isn’t it. For myself, to remind myself of what type of person I am and what my motives are to what I am dealing with and what his motives are, is what helped me hold back and not contact him. I’m doing ok, i’m fairly calm, happy and ok now. This is likely to be altered by any contact, and the contact can come in many guises, all of which would leave me feeling devastated, no longer calm, happy and OK. Keep reminding yourself that your dealing with a skilled manipulator, they are good at what they do. X*X

[Serenity]

Hi Silky,

There was another lady on this forum a few weeks ago who felt confused by her ex’s apparent reasonableness when she told him she wanted out.

I don’t want to sound cynical, but everything abusers do is for a reason. Abusers use tactics of guilt/ pity, fear and obligation to get the outcome they want, at different times. Different times call for different tactics.

By leaving him, you have taken your power back. This scares him. All that he had done over the years could be put on display. You could out him to everyone.

Plus, if he were to slam you, he would look like the bad one. He’s trying to appear to everyone that he is a nice, rational man.

Plus, just as he tried to exert power within the relationship, he is trying to do it now. He is counting on the DA t that his apparent reasonableness and his ‘poor me’ countenance will pull at your heart strings. Remember, he knows you. He knows how to control you. He does t want to come out the loser, he doesn’t want you to get what you deserve- like all abusers, he wants to come out feeling like a winner, so he figures that if he appears rational ( like you always wanted him to be) and also pulls at your heart strings, you won’t fight for what is yours.

So many women here have listed and said they wish they’d fought harder for what is theirs. They gave in too easily, felt sorry for their abuser and believed his lies they they were ‘greedy’ by fighting their own corner and getting what was justifiably theirs. Yet later on down the line, their abuser showed their true colours again, without conscience.

This man hurt you deeply. Anyone who is capable of doing that to you is without a normally operating conscience, and puts themselves first. He showed you who he really was within the relationship: believe him. These men are masters of manipulation.

A friend of mine told me ( when I was at the same stage as you) that I had to cut off all emotion whilst dealing with the finances, house, etc. At the time, it sounded so harsh and was t his I felt comfortable being. But I listened to her, not least because she was an expert on manipulation ( her niece had been murdered by her apparently charming boyfriend). I am so glad I did, since such disgusting poison has come out of my ex that I can see him for who he actually is. The mask completely dropped. And yet, when he left and before I started di it even proceedings, he was telling me that he was yelling people that I was ‘a lovely person and it just hadn’t worked.’ Fact forward to when I wanted to do things above board and get a solicitor, such venom came out. He put down everything about me. He started to bully and threaten. It was like I suddenly was privy to the real him.

Remember, if he was a decent human being, he wouldnt be trying to manipulate people and he would want you to have what is rightfully yours. Please look out for yourself. You owe it to yourself to take care of your needs. You’re not dealing with a man of high morals here X

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