- This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi ladies. I needed to write and vent on here as its late and I dont have anyone to talk to.
Cutting a very long story short, I decided to divorce my husband a while ago, I made it clear to him we just do not see eye to eye and we will never have a future. The real reason is, he is a huge mummys boy, he takes her out for meals, watches movies till almost midnight with her then comes home, he has always put her first and told me I dont deserve to be treated because I dont fulfil my wifely duties. I used to but stopped when he wouldn’t take me anywhere or do anything with me. She has caused so much damage to my marriage, to the point I have so much anger and rage in me that I can’t hold it in for long now. She has filled his head with lies about me, saying I was horrible to her in my house where really, she used to come here, belittle me, say I was a bad wife and that she would always be his priority, and cause huge arguements between us both when I told him she was lying. She is the most vile and manipulative person I have ever met. There has also been years of mental and physical abuse involved. He decided to agree that we don’t have a future and we would get divorced. he also decided he wanted to act ‘normal’ to make it easier for us.
For some time, I have detached myself emotionally from him, but he tries to still show he ‘cares’. I specifically told him his mum is no longer welcome in my home until she can at least speak to me like a human being as she makes me feel so uncomfortable to the point I cringe, have severe anxiety and palpitations and I can’t help but shake. No one has ever made me feel that way. He decided to invite her into my house when I was there not so long ago, and I didn’t say anything. Luckily I didnt see her face. So many different episodes have happened and things have built up so much in my heart. (detail removed by moderator). He called me a b***ch, w**re, s**g, c***. I got so mad that I said his mum is all of those! He went on to annihilate my family verbally, I just couldn’t keep my rage in. I hand on heart am not jealous of their relationship, in fact it makes me quite sick, and he said his mum is everything I am not… Beautiful, gorgeous, amazing, so good looking for her age with a heart of gold, and that she has him. I told him I didn’t want him and didn’t want her in my life anymore, that’s why I’m leaving him, and he called me every other name you can think of, that my next marriage would be worse than this, that im dirty, and im jealous of him and his mum, that I’m ugly and a dog, that I have to wear makeup just to look like a person, and that I am jealous of every person who is close to him. I don’t think its jealousy, more so that she has ruined so many people’s lives and now has succeeded in ruining my marriage.
I replied saying I was a beautiful person and no matter what he said he couldn’t take that away from me. I was working so hard on me, to love myself, and gain back some confidence that these barbarians have stolen from me over years, and I was beginning to feel good about myself until now. In reality, I’ve come crashing back down and feel absolutely worthless. He also mentioned that I should now watch what he does, and when the time is right, he’ll take action. He knows a lot of thugs, he comes from a thuggish background which I found out AFTER marriage, and now not only am I feeling worthless, that I just don’t belong anywhere on this earth, I’m on edge about what he means by those words
I’m so sorry I have gone on and on, I just needed to vent. I feel like crying but I hardly cry anymore as he used to call me a p**sy for crying. I just don’t know what to do. The house is also mine and my parent’s, so I won’t move out for the time being as he will get her to move in, which I just cannot allow.
How can someone control emotions so easily? I’ve been happy recently, focusing on me, and now this has happened, I feel like I’m one step back from square one.
-
This is, it seems, another variant of n**********c psychological abuse. Yes, his mother contributes and enables him, but it sounds like it isn’t just his mother that’s the problem. As for the house, it’s a tough one. If you split and can’t agree on who gets to stay, you’ll have to negotiate a sale. Get some legal advice.
-
Thank you for your post. It definitely is him too, he’s a puppet on strings. They both make me sick and so angry. We’ve already agreed that the house will be sold, as he wants it for him and his mum, but i won’t allow it as this was supposed to be our marital home and not his or his mother’s. Either way, he won’t see a penny of it due to the nature of the names on mortgage as my solicitor said. I just wonder if he’ll get one of his friends to do something, as he’s threatend to have my legs broken by someone, already has a plan in case police question him for an alibi. Police know this but because he didn’t threaten my life, they can’t do anything.
-
-
Hi Fighting the Darkness,
His threats are no small thing. Could you call the National Centre for Domestic Viokrnce on 0800 970 2070? When my ex began threatening me, I called them and they were able to get me a non-molestation order and occupancy order which forbade him to come to the house. You could do this perhaps, so he cannot come near you until the house is sold.
I would also at least log his threats with the police, so that they have a record, and also call the Women’s Aid helpline. They can give you advice regarding your immediate situation. There is professional support out there.
Getting the right support will enable you to protect yourself, to act safely and also help you to realise that this is not your fault and that you deserve more. When you wrote that your husband says you don’t deserve a treat because you don’t fulfil your wifely duties: his reminded me of my ex. I wasn’t permitted treats for a number of reasons and was made to feel that I didn’t deserve them.
Abusers try to destroy your confidence in many different ways, but hold onto the fact that you deserve to be happy and treated with respect: your husband is a classic abuser, as is his mother. The sooner you’re away from that unhealthy and toxic situation the better.
My ex’s stepmother was also toxic, putting me down from day one. Your husband has failed to love and protect you, and instead is a vile perpetrator. Never question that truth. Good luck. We are all here for you x
-
Dear Serenity,
Thank you for your post and taking so much time out to write so much. It’s amazing how strangers can sometimes help you more than those you thought were close to you. I was going to consider a NM order but I backed out in the end as i know what he’s capable of, and seeing as though i don’t have friends or family anywhere near me, for my own sanity i decided against it. He has no regard for the law and thinks he is above it. He was once arrested and managed to almost manipulate the police, saying he had recorded me being violent when in actual fact he didn’t record what he did before i reached the point of seeing red.
I’m so sorry you faced similar situations, it’s horrible for any decent woman to have to go through it all. If you don’t mind me asking, did you find love again? Did you find it difficult to connect with anyone again on an emotional level?
Thank you again for your advice and reassurance. I can’t begin to explain how much it means. I needed to cry, i have almost forgotten how to, or am just used to holding it in, but your words helped me release some pain and hurt x
-
-
I would talk to women’s aid and a solicitor to see how to get the divorce moving forward and what steps you can do to protect yourself and get him out of your house.
Keep talking to people that understand, keep a diary of everything.
Hugs
-
Thank you Suntree 😊 i have a huge log of events over the years, i lost a little faith in police as they said they can’t really do much unless he threatens my life i.e. threats to kill me. This knocked me back a little, and I’m also afraid of being called a liar as he has always called me that, and the last thing i want is the law to turn around and doubt me too.
I got in touch with my solicitor who is a friend, he is brutal! I’m hoping he can speed it along. If i try to get him out the house, he will either smash it up somehow, or target my car. I know all too well what he is capable of when he gets in a rage. That’s all his so called poor excuse of a mother has taught him…Anger, bitterness, revenge and rage. It hurts so much that fear controls me and i have to think twice before making a move.
X*x
-
-
Hi HUn
well done for being brave and leaving him , sounds like his mum was def influencing him. Dont listen to his rude comments he is saying them with the intent to hurt you, i would report or at least log his threats in with the police.m Continue to get support for yourself, these men can really unbalance us with how we feel, take care of yourself
-
Thank you Confused123. Although i don’t actually feel brave. Even though i try to block out the words, they almost hurt my soul. That’s the best way i can describe it. How do we block these things out without letting them hurt? That’s what i seem to struggle with. It cuts deep. Sticks and stones, thats what he always says to me. But yet names do hurt, a lot. And the fact that he’s almost programmed me to not cry makes it so much harder as before, if i was upset I’d let it out through tears. Now i cant even do that without him being horrible.
X*x
-
-
I’m so glad you’ve got such a strong attitude and outlook. I think what devastates me is i may have lost my chance to be a mother. I adore children, but I’m wouldn’t have wanted to bring them into this world around my husband and his mum, they would have poisoned my children. That’s why i eventually want to meet someone, but not for quite a while yet. I think if it came down to the fact i couldn’t be a mother,, my life would loose all meaning. At the moment however, I want to concentrate on me. I’ve booked a few holidays, something to look forward to.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
