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Don’t even know where to begin. I’m back on here again after (number removed by Moderator) months of things being “stable” not including the mood shifts, energy changes when I’ve done nothing wrong. Making male friends (detail removed by Moderator) remove me from Facebook. (timeframe removed by Moderator) I was stupid enough to have afew drinks with him, I can handle my drink pretty well and only had afew ciders and he got drunk really fast. He suddenly turned on me, it’s like a switch flicks and all the accusations come in, saying I can’t be trusted, I’m a snake and can’t be trusted. All the insults no one will want you with 3 kids, You’re a mess. I stayed calm and was doing the dishes to distract myself as he towered over me. My eldest son was upstairs. He said he was done and left so I locked the door and shut the blinds then he began calling me continuously, I blocked and he messaged me off other accounts asking me if we’re done for good so he can know where he stands. I slept it off then woke up to a torrent of abuse (timeframe removed by Moderator), more insults about how I can’t be trusted. I don’t do anything to not be trusted. I don’t have anything left in me to give. There’s nothing more I can possibly do in order for him to trust me. I have never cheated on him. I’ve tried to leave him over 10 times the pattern continues mainly in alcohol. I feel so ready to eradicate him from my life completely. I just feel so alone and don’t know how to do it. We don’t live together and my kids aren’t his. I have had him arrested and bailed for stalking me in my window (timeframe removed by Moderator). I still went back, because he has a caring, loving and supportive side and says to me “no one will put up with your s**t” like I’m the problem. I wish I was stronger because if this was a friend I’d be so concerned and telling her to run a mile. How do you cut the trauma bond for good? Even when things are good and stable I think to myself eventually I will have to get out of this but ending it feels so painful and unbearable, the longest I’ve gone no contact is (number removed by Moderator) weeks. I need help
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I think you’re doing really well babe, you’re 9/10ths of the way there. He dosent live in your house or, presumably have any hold on you, and sounds like your life can work pretty well without him.
Thats the difficult bit isn’t it?
At least a quarter of the cycle of abuse is them being nice and charming and fun and sexy ( the lovebombing), and so we should expect that. If they were horrible all the time nobody would want to be around them and they’d be living under a stone with no friends. They have learned how to survive and thrive in the world. They’re pretty expert at it. Don’t be surprised that he’s extremely nice when he wants something. That’s what these people are experts at!
I found that the relentless criticism and character assasinations meant that I internalized that critical voice.
So, that’s all you have to do now. Recognize that that internalized voice is not you or anything to do with you.
Scrutinise every thought you have. Every feeling. If you’re not 100% certain that it’s YOU speaking disregard it.
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This last step feels the hardest, but it’s not.
You have done the hard miles.
The abusers voice that you’ve internalized tells you that it was all a waste of time because you’ll always end up back here. That’s not true and that’s not your voice. Reject it.
Often we’ve internalized the abusers voice so deeply that there will just be a silence at first, as we start to recognize it.
Does that mean that that we don’t exist anymore? Well, no, hopefully not!
But our authentic voice will be pretty starved and quiet.
So, inevitably there’ll be a bit of time where we’re rejecting the abusers voice and it all just seems quiet. That’s ok.
Biggest part I found of this jigsaw is to learn to just let all those uncomfortable feelings be. Just live with them. You don’t need to react.
You’ll feel grief and sadness and loneliness and anger. It’s all ok.
They’ll pass in time whether you do anything or not.
Focus on moving a tiny step each day toward the life you want and leave the pain to sort itself out. -
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Jeez, yes I know what you mean. Mine was relentless too, for months and months.
This is a challenging one.
Talking about the abusers voice that we’ve internalised.
I was hearing all the time in my own head that it was really nasty to just cut him off, I didn’t feel like I had a right to cut him off, it was unreasonable. I owed him my attention, like a kind of obligation.I couldn’t hear my own voice at all in all of this.
And yet, if I imagined someone else in my life, a female friend for example, or a boss, talking to me the way he had. How would I have reacted? If they came back with an apology for it, I would have listened. But if their apology hadn’t rung true somehow, or I hadn’t been quite sure, I probably would have started to cut that person out of my life. I may have given them one more chance. But if they’d done it a second time, they’d have been out.
Yet I let him do it time and time again and still felt that I was obliged to explain myself for (finally!) removing this abusive person (him) from my life.
It’s a really tough one. That is how much they’ve got into our heads. -
When I really listen to what’s going on its his voice internalised inside my head. If I don’t reply to him I’m selfish, untrustworthy, nasty, unfeeling, deep down mean, a total lightweight with no real feelings, a psychopath, a user, an uncaring shallow creature just out for what she can get. And a whole lot more. Is that my voice? No. I know these things aren’t true about me.
So where does this voice come from?
Well, I’m sad to say that ALL of these things are true about him. It’s pure projection.
They package up what they most hate about themselves and transfer it to us. Like a data dump.
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