Feeling Stuck & Overwhelmed

[HealingWarrior]

Hi – I’m not really sure where to begin but I’ve been needing to get this off my chest and I’m hoping to get some advice or just feel less alone.

(time frame removed by moderator), my partner and I broke up. It was only through going to therapy that I started to truly understand I had been in a coercive controlling relationship. Deep down, I think I knew something wasn’t right, but I loved him so much and that made it easy to ignore the red flags. Over time, I noticed I was changing. My family and friends weren’t happy about the relationship.

It started with small things – he wasn’t comfortable with me having male friends and even casual dinners were seen as “dates” in his eyes and he didn’t like the idea of me traveling for work. He slowly isolated me and made me second-guess myself constantly.

Even though he’s the one who ended things, he keeps reaching out. He says he’s going to tell everyone in my life ‘the truth’ and contact my work to reveal what I did. I’ve asked him if he’s threatening me and his response is always that I’m playing the victim.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m scared to not respond in case that makes him angrier, but I also know staying in contact isn’t healthy. I feel stuck and just really overwhelmed and I don’t know how to handle this.

[Lisa]

Hi HealingWarrior,

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. You’re not alone in this and hopefully some of the other women here will be able to share their experiences with you soon.

It can be really hard to spot domestic abuse for what it is while you’re in it. The controlling behaviour around who you’re allowed to spend time with is often dressed up in claims of jealousy, accusations of cheating, or in terms of keeping you safe from other men, and it’s easy to believe those claims and want to support a partner who seems insecure. Really it’s about control and isolation, as you’ve found. Abuse can start small and gradually build while it’s being normalised within the relationship, so you don’t see it. This is such a common experience of women in domestic abuse, so try to be kind to yourself.

It’s also really common that abusers will continue the abuse after a relationship ends. It’s all about power and control and he doesn’t want to give that up. It’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed. You deserve to have support and you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service for this (it is still domestic abuse from an ex-partner).

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[EvenSerpentsShine]

My personal experience makes me believe that they will be nasty and vindictive no matter what you do.

Having as little contact as possible and staying as neutral, calm and civil as possible probably is a good option. Give yourself time before you respond to any conversations or comments. Just wait however long it takes until you’re feeling calm again.

Threats are also something I had. Many of them were just designed to make me fearful and try and make me feel isolated, and were either out and out lies or they never amounted to much.

Thats not to say he won’t carry through on his threats, but he may not. The main aim is to scare you and keep you thinking about him.

You can pre-warn people and diffuse his threats. You don’t have to go into loads of detail to let your work/friends etc know that you have come out of a very unpleasant situation and someone is threatening you and trying to cause trouble for you by telling lies.

Good luck, you will get through it. Keep your dignity and your head held high. I’m sure you’ll come through it and enjoy the rest of your life without abuse. Xx

[HealingWarrior]

Thank you both so much for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts and experiences with me. It really means a lot to feel heard and understood, especially during a time when everything feels so heavy.

You’re right – it’s incredibly hard to recognise abuse when you’re living in it. You start to question yourself so much that their behaviour becomes your ‘normal’. I can relate so much to what you said about the control being disguised as jealousy or concern – I spent so long thinking I was the problem or that I just needed to ‘reassure’ him more.

The advice to keep things calm, neutral and distant is something I’m going to really focus on. I’ll try to take more time before responding and remind myself that a lot of what he’s doing is about keeping control and creating fear. Most recently he’s reached out to my family to ‘tell them the truth about me.’ It’s been upsetting and overwhelming, but I’m trying to remind myself that this is just another way to maintain power and keep me fearful.

Thank you both again – your words have helped me feel less alone and more grounded. I’m going to keep going, one step at a time and focus on reclaiming peace and safety in my life.

[Author]

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