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It’s just that it’s taken me all this time (many months) for it to dawn on me that my friendship was toxic and that my friend was being emotionally abusive. I’ve been so stressed by it all – every encounter with her left me feeling drained and stressed for several days afterwards. I’ve never particularly enjoyed her company – she was the one who latched on to me and I felt sorry for her because she was struggling. Conversations were hard work, we would talk for about an hour but then she would become withdrawn and morose and start looking at her phone. I was the one who had to work hard to keep the conversation going. Why did I put up with it? Maybe I somehow felt a sense of obligation? I don’t know.
I spent ages on Google looking up toxic friends/self-centred friends/needy dependent friends/clingy friends, yet was still unsure whether to apply this to her. Then there were all her mind games, messing with my head, her being contentious, constantly picking arguments with me, getting angry and critical with me, accusing me of winding her up, accusing me of making excuses not to see her when I was genuinely shattered. She used the same emotional abuse tactics as my ex, yet I’m still finding it hard to take in that it was emotional abuse.
In the end I had to trust my feelings and acknowledge the effect she was having on me. We were due to go to an event together but I realised I couldn’t face seeing her again and made the decision to end the friendship.
I feel relieved and yet worn down, battered and drained. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I’ve had two abusive relationships, so why didn’t I recognise the signs? Why did I give my time to someone whose company I wasn’t even enjoying?
I know I’ll get over it in time, but for the moment I just want to curl up in bed. Thanks for listening.
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Hey there. It’s ok to feel this way and perfectly understandable. I was so used to being with somebody that I didn’t want to be with that these traits carried on well after I escaped. I realised it was way too soon to look at starting new friendships. I was still stuck in a mode of wanting to please to avoid being abused. Putting other people first because I experienced such a backlash for years from my abuser. I remember talking to my sister about dating and I said well I’ve had to have sex when I don’t want for years so I will just do that. No no no. She was shocked and looking back I was still traumatised. Just concentrate on yourself and don’t underestimate the trauma we are left with. You will get stronger
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Thanks KIP,
Well my friend has been bombarding me with messages today, some reproachful, some accusatory and some of them blaming. I felt some of the messages amounted to emotional blackmail, but I couldn’t help feeling guilty.
Now I don’t know what to think. I feel guilty and am wondering if some of this is my fault and am I overreacting? And yet I’ve been feeling like this for months – every encounter I’ve had with her has left me feeling negative and drained. But she has also accused me of causing her to feel drained.
I’ve spent today with another friend and we’ve had a lovely time. We talked until the cows came home and I went home feeling happy and positive. I have yet another friend who I see every few weeks or so and when we meet up we always have a lovely time. So I don’t think it is me, yet I can’t help feeling guilty.
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Copperflame the way your friend has reacted to you trying to end the friendship sounds just like an abuser – using a variety of tactics to keep hold of you whilst simultaneously blaming you! That’s exactly what my ex did. I also had a toxic work colleague years ago who started to act very strangely, say disturbing things and she started to mock me, laugh at me and put me down after initially ‘love bombing’ me in a friendship way by wanting to have lunch all the time, being very complimentary etc. If I tried to limit contact she’d act all apologetic, before starting up the abusive behaviour again, just like the male relationship abusers.
I got rid. Blocked and ignored. She continued to try to contact me for two years, messaging, emailing, even ringing my house and even speaking to my parents. Something about her scared me, there was something very off about her, and I knew for my own health I needed to stop engaging with her.
Don’t get guilt tripped. They are great at this. The fact that you have other friends who don’t bring you down just highlights that this friend is not good for you, she’s even saying you drag her down. Well in that case best to just part ways. It’s better to have a limited amount of friends than several who make you feel bad. I used to have lots of friends in various friendship groups but I’ve gradually purged a lot of them because most were not good for me – I’d end up feeling worse after seeing them. Granted I am lonely now, but also it’s more peaceful. I have a few friends who I value greatly who never make me feel bad. I gather that it’s quite common to lose friends after abuse, as we start to re-evaluate all the relationships in our lives.
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Hi Ladies, well I have now blocked her on my messenger app after receiving a nasty, twisted message from her this morning, in which she was twisting everything I’d said, ignoring salient points I’d made, playing mind games, denying stuff, being accusatory and pushing the blame on to me. Now she’s just sent me another nasty message via a different social media app, which I’m going to ignore but if she messages me again I will block her on this too. I hate having to block people but sometimes it’s a sad necessity.
Unfortunately I did reply to some her messages yesterday, but tried to be calm and reasonable. Then I noticed her messages were putting me on the defensive and putting someone on the defensive is a manipulative tactic used by abusers to keep their prey hooked in emotionally. So I decided not to engage with her any further, but then received this nasty message this morning.
Sunshine before I decided to end the friendship, I tried to distance from her but she was so needy and clingy it was impossible. Just like your former friend, this woman acted all apologetic when I first started challenging her about some of her behaviours, but just like you I often felt she was mocking me and not taking me seriously. She would act skeptical about some things I said, as if she didn’t believe me. Then she would joke about things I didn’t consider funny. Her behaviour is so like that of my ex it’s scary.
Something else – she used to send me a lot of terse and shirty messages. I didn’t take them personally because I thought, oh that’s just her. However on one occasion she sent me a very shirty message, which I challenged her about and she apologised. My counsellor asked me if she would have apologised if I hadn’t challenged her and I said I didn’t think so. This then got me thinking about all the other shirty messages and I’m wondering now if I should have challenged her about these as well and made it clear they weren’t acceptable. Still I didn’t take them personally and I guess you live and learn.
Well yesterday I still had some self-doubt about whether I was overreacting and if some of this was me, but after those messages I have doubt at all that she is emotionally abusive.
Like you Sunshine, I would rather have a handful of good friends than several toxic friends. I want to go self-employed, but, just like an abuser, she was taking up most of my head space so that I felt unable to concentrate on my on goals. Now hopefully I can do that.
Love to all, Copperflame xx
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I feel like the proverbial frog in boiling water. If you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out straightaway, but if you put a frog in cold water and gradually increase the heat, the frog won’t notice until the water gets too hot for comfort and even then it doesn’t always jump out.
I feel relieved it’s over but annoyed with myself that I didn’t recognise the emotional abuse before now.
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