Feeling trapped 😐

[Ariana]

I have been married now for a few years and have 2 small children. I moved out of my home town to live with my husband in his home town so the only immediate family support I have is his mum who is fab btw.
My husband’s comments and behaviour over the years have made me feel very much controlled in that I have had to really dull myself down as a person i feel as though I just exist whilst he actually lives his life. I have resorted to always making sure my phone is on silent when he’s around because if it goes off or I’m looking at it he asks me what I’m doing who I’m talking to..if I say I’m looking on Facebook he comments about how he doesn’t use Facebook it causes nothing but trouble and he thinks I’m immature for using it and it’s for loosers even though he uses other social media sites. I avoid invitations to nights out or social events without him because he makes comments like “they are all slags that have invited you out” or “I’m not having my wife out drinking with other men trying it on with her” you may think these are just simple comments and shouldn’t effect me having a life but I’m quite a shy person and he’s naturally a loud dominating character. The only friends I have are people I know through him like friends wives who have openly said they would like to invite me out but know not to because of my husband’s reaction. To add insult to injury he goes out all the time while I am left alone at home looking after the children. When I have confronted him and asked why it’s ok for him to go out drinking whenever he feels like it he says it’s different for him as he’s a man and can look after himself. He will often say he is working late and then come home drinking of booze I have often driven past the local pub and witnesses him sat outside drinking after he’s told me he’s at work…on the weekends sometimes he disappears until the next day then comes home goes to bed all day. So I am totally alone lookimg after the children.

He can be very aggressive in his manor sometimes and is a scary man… He is big built and has a reputation for being violent with other men… Once he beat his own dad up really badeley.. at worst he had grabbed pushed and shoved me but has in the past smashed stuff up in the house including kids toys and threatened to cause more damage if I make him anymore angry. If he’s angry about something he has no filter in fro t of the children and has threatened to to terrible violent things to people in front of them. There have been a number if occasions where he has got angry with me in the car and threatened to grab the wheel and pull the handbreak up and cause us to crash. The list goes on…

I have lived like this for too long now and just waiting for the courage to leave. Trouble is I’m terrified of what he might do; he is a very manipulative character with a lot of charm so I would have to cut all ties and arrange his contact with the children through his mum. We are in rented accommodation at the moment so it should be easy enough for me to leave. My daughter has just started school so I feel really guilty about haveing to move her but I know she will be fine in the long run. I just want to be free of his control it’s like a brick wall I can’t get past. I am hopeful for the future I just need to be brave. I’m currently savinh as much money as I can with the hope to move back to my home town and privately rent. I don’t work so this will take a while but I hope to get there before I have a nervous breakdown xx

[backtome]

Hi Ariana, so much of your story I can relate to! Especially the dulling down as a person and the anger in front of your child. He also makes comments of about my friends etc and if I go out with work he will make comments that I’m going to be kissing someone etc.

Can I suggest you speak to the helpline and also find your local women’s aid who may be able to help you get out sooner and advise on housing etc. I really feel for you being stuck there. X

[Ariana]

Thankyou for taking the time to read my story and replying… It’s such a relief to be able to share the complete truth..just writing it down helps… although my mum and his both know I’m unhappy and know how much he lies and goes out drinking I couldn’t share with them the worst of it although his mum is very aware of his temper and aggression. I feel like such a wimp and a pushover I have actually convinced myself that I don’t want to socialise anyway I suppose that’s a coping mechanism. I just want the easy life no drama but not at the cost of my freedom. The thing that makes me feel so conflicted is the promises he makes and the period of time when he’s try g to behave and making an effort. But you can bet you’re life as soon as he gets an offer to go to the pub he will go! And the next day he will apologise and promise never to do it again. Sometimes even suggesting that I’m being unreasonable by going on at him. It’s a full circle that repeats itself constantly. He will even say things like “I have so much respect for you for not leaving me or running to you’re mums” which I know is a load of rubbish to try to stop me from doing just that. If he had respect for me he wouldn’t do it in the first place. I shave been keeping a diary of his behaviour for some time as well to help me with divorce proceedings and my worry about him be g alone with the children. Thanks again x

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

I could so relate to your post , log the abuse with your gp, call thehelpline and get support from d v agencies to help u make an escape plan. My ex used to behave like this , it really is terriffying for both u and children, i used to say my ex s in law were good too for listening to me about the abuse, can u hear how stupid that sounds, were good for listening to me how their brother abused me but not allowing me to leave. HUn when it comes to leave, i believe u r on your own, your support will be u, support agenmcies and your families. I found it extremely difficult to tell my family about the abuse , in the end we have to make that final step. It is stressful and emotional thats why we need a support worker to help us. Trust me hun these men get worser, call the help line today, donot let him click on u r thinking of leaving as they put their fake face on and start acting charming and make u think things were not that bad … yes they are, u could go to a refgue if u r renting , that way he cant get to u , dont worry about school change , kids adapt, even better would be if your family could pick u up, they really r put off when our family is around us .

[Ariana]

Thanks for replying hun… It’s true so many mind games I have had all the tears after telling him the marriage is as good as over. All the promises that this time I will see he will change. All the affectionate text messages ECT. My friend has asked me to go to (detail removed by Moderator) with her one evening soon I have arranged for the children to be with his mum so he can’t spoil it for me by not coming home to have them. I havnt told him I’m going yet every time I try I just freeze I’m scared!! Because I havnt the energy to have to argue with him or have 100 questions. I do need to go to the go but worried they will get social services involved which I definitely don’t want ? Also mother in law is a (detail removed by Moderator)!!! (detail removed by Moderator) The refuge is an idea or to stay at my mum’s on the sofa with the children… I’m Hopi g i might qualify for a discretionary housing payment from The council to help with upfront costs for private rental. Thanks again x*x

[Relieved]

Well done for posting and getting to this stage. You don’t need to tell him your are going especially if you are scared of his reaction. Talk to your local DV service, mine have been brilliant.

My ex also made me feel bad going out with friends and talk badly about them. I stopped dressing up in anyway to go out as he was always suspicious of who I was with. I’ve been out of the relationship for a while now and it has taken me a long time to start to feel confident about dressing up a bit. They really do get inside your head!

I used to think my mother in law was supportive and I used to talk to her about the problems in our marriage but I now realise the advice she gave me was of the old fashioned sort and stopping me from ending it – marriage is a comprise(with me doing all the compromising), I needed to spend more time at home to keep him happy and maybe I should spice things up in the bedroom!

Good luck and keep us posted xx

[Ayanna]

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid?
When he is out working ring them and arrange to get support from them. Delete their phone number after you finish the call.
You could go into a refuge until you are able to organise your life on your own.

[Ariana]

Hi Ayanna

I havnt rang anyone yet I just wouldn’t know where to start!! I have had a busy week with my little one starting school she seems so happy with all her friends and teachers which to be honest makes me feel like the brick wall has just got bigger!! I am thinking of going to see my gp but I’m worried about social services being involved? Refuge is an idea if the worst came to worst but I would rather stay with my mum in her sofa just think I’d feel safer… I’m trying to save as much money as possible. I have emailed my local council and enquired about discretionary housing payment and if I’d be entitled to it if I were to move I stated it was a delicate matter and I’d appreciate discression and they have sent a load of paperwork to my house to check I’m still entitled to the current housing benefits I get..im really ago bed they would do that!! I’m not 100% the 2 are connected but I’m pretty sure xx

[KIP.]

Just wanted to say that these men are mkst dangerous when we try to,leave so be very careful. Also, this feeling of being trapped is a huge red flag. Fear Obligation and Guilt. FOG. These are abusers tactics. Any other kind of relationship we would walk away from as soon as we were unhappy and realised it was over. Its the fear that abusers use to trap us. I made excuses for years, i dont have enought money, i would have to move house, it would affect my child etc. Always waiting for my ‘get out of jail free card’. You dont need an excuse and if he hadnt destroyed your self worth and confidence you would have walked away long ago. First place to start is your local womens aid. Your GP. Even the dimestic abuse police on 101. He will never change and abuse always gets worse x

[Author]

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