Feeling triggered

[Jedi warrior]

After being separated some time now and thought I was coming to terms with why my marriage broke down feeling triggered after a friend said they couldn’t understand why my husband would behave like he did to me ..can’t get out of my head was it so wrong for him to slam doors and storm out if I said no to sex or pressure me until I gave in should I have had stronger boundaries was it my fault for letting this go on for years he always said sorry until the next time he did back off a bit the last (removed by moderator) before separation but my feelings for him had gone ..I shouldn’t be struggling again after having so much councilling..also divorce is now progressing so many mixed emotions after a long marriage.

[Hetty]

I’m so sorry all these feeling and memories are coming back to you and causing you pain. It’s totally understandable given your long marriage and the divorce progressing.
It sounds like because you are a decent and emotionally healthy person you’re seeking for answers and I imagine having to leave your marriage was the last thing you wanted to do.
In a normal and healthy relationship you would expect not to feel pressured or bullied into sexual contact, you’d expect to be able to hand open communication about both your needs without it escalating. Certainly that behaviour is not going to bring connection and closeness in a marriage, rather do as I say when I say it. What a miserable way to live and you deserve more. Perhaps the question needs to be why you are carrying the blame and guilt. We aren’t able to put firm boundaries in place with these men or have our needs met. It becomes the only way to live is to tow the line.
Remember all the times you felt so unhappy in your marriage and look forward to a brighter future x*x

[KIP.]

Slamming doors and storming out is threatening behaviour. It’s coercive control. Pressuring you into sex when you don’t want to is rape. You can bet you tried to introduce boundaries which made things worse but really in a non abusive relationship why would you even need to consider boundaries. He backed off in the last six months because he knew he was losing control and decided to reign in his behaviour in the hope of hooking you in again. Your friend saying she couldn’t understand why he would behave that way to you. The answer is simple, he’s a domestic abuser and if she doesn’t understand then that’s her ignorance showing. The divorce will be triggering feelings but please remember you are here for a reason and nothing you could have done would have prevented his abuse. Saying that you shouldn’t be struggling again is putting pressure on yourself. It’s perfectly normal to struggle again and again with abuse. It’s a rollercoaster so please be your own best friend. Be kind to yourself and don’t rush recovery and be careful who you talk to about the abuse because the wrong people can drag us backwards x

[Jedi warrior]

Thank you hetty and kip for your kind words and support I do seem to be carrying some guilt for ending the marriage and coming to terms with my husbands behaviour and that it was abuse I am starting a programme soon that my support worker enrolled me for hopefully this will help me move forward .xx

[Hetty]

That sounds like a really positive step forward. Know your truth and I think Kip’s right, your friend’s ignorance is shining through. People say things from their frame of reference- some are in abusive relationships themselves and are in denial, some have been sucked in by our partner’s etc. You know the truth of your marriage and why you left. And even if he was a saint, you can walk away from a relationship that you are no longer happy in xx

[Jedi warrior]

Thank you hetty I have also been in a panic as husband will have seen now reason for divorce and all I can worry about is how it might have made him feel.xx

[Hetty]

You are not responsible for how he feels regarding the reasons you have given for divorce. In my experience these men are very capable of re writing history and paint themselves in a different light, I don’t think they are even capable of admitting their behaviour to even themselves so entitled and self-righteous they feel. Know you truth and with each day that passes you’re one step closer to ridding yourself of him. You’re very brave. Keep focused on you ❤️

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