Feeling utterly trapped

[Escaped not free]

Having the most awful week. just feel as soon as my partner stops pushing me around and telling me what to do someone else who is supposed to care for me takes over. My mother has always been hyper critical of me. I rely on her to help with my kids while I work as their dad is not interested. She undermines me all the time with them, talks about me as though I’m their naughty big sister, constantly tells me things they don’t have and she will need to get for them but I always feel like it’s done to make me feel useless. It’s always been the same my whole life looking back. I’ve had a horrible break up with my partner (not my kids dad) where he was hyper critical and basically broke me. I went to her for help, I was at Rick bottom and felt I needed away from him. She never liked him at all, always made it hard as she does generally believe most people are beneath her. Anyway she was fantastic at rusvuing me at the time, told me what to do, what to think, how to feel and after it was all over I just felt numb….which wasn’t what I was supposed to feel according to her so now she talks to me like I’m a complete irritant. I hate it and I need her. I work long shifts, there is no childcare that accommodates my work, I can’t get anything else and I feel so trapped. I need space to work out what I want next and all I keep hearing is “don’t you dare go back to him”, “I can’t ever be made to be around him” “you need to think of your kids for once!” The last one particularly unfair. I literally never go out. My entire life revolves around my children and going to my work to provide for my children as their father won’t. I do everything I can for them and they love me and I love them with all my heart. Unlike my mother I listen to them, I talk to them, I engage with them as opposed to buying them things to expect compliance in return. My mother provided the money to take my ex to court and have him removed from the house and now it’s as though she owns me. She knows I need her to work so she knows she owns me. I’m not young, (removed by moderator)  and I just want for once in my life to be allowed to make a decision about my life for me. I know she watched me go through hell, I know she was there when I was at my worst but why do I now hate her for it? I just want peace. I want people to stop telling me what to do. I’m an intelligent, thoughtful and kind person who just wants a normal life. I’m (removed by moderator) and still scared of my mother….that is not normal is it? I just want peace and space. I’m sorry for rant I really needed to offload. My head has been bursting all day. So tearful but full of rage as well.i feel so angry that everyone seems to want to take my life from me. Can nobody understand it’s MY life? MINE. X

[Ayanna]

Nobody understands this. Even parents lay into us when we are vulnerable. They are the reason why we became prey for abusers in the first place.
But they can never see this.

Can you stay over night sometimes somewhere else after a long day at work? Does your place of work have any spare rooms that they rent out to visitors?

Do you have counseling?

[Escaped not free]

Thank you Ayanna.
Yes I was seeing a counsellor at women’s aid. Haven’t been able to go for some time though due to work and the kids being on summer holidays. I work three twelve hour shifts a week for three weeks and four one week of the month. It’s a very tiring stressful but rewarding job that I love, I help people at their physical worst turn a corner and get better and I’m good at. The rest of my time I’m with my children. Your right though, the more I think about the way my mother was with me growing up the more I realise why I couldn’t cope with my exes behaviour. It became the same dynamic really. Something she will never ever admit to or accept. She has completely rewritten history as far as that is concerned. She’s not empathic, she’s controlling and most of the time unfeeling although takes every possible slight to heart and is very dramatic if she feels crossed in any way. I remember lots of times feeling utterly wretched as a child because she was unhappy with my father and I would be called a selfish little b**ch if I’d left toys out or not done exactly what she wanted quickly enough. Looking back it wasn’t to do with me, I was just the vent. To hear her talk now though she was a domestic goddess earth mother. All total rubbish. I struggle to remember any happy childhood times with her. My ex is now seeing a clinical psychologist as he says he is utterly ashamed of how he has treated me. He’s engaging in cbt and other therapy, paying to do this privately and has asked if we could delay our house being sold to let him sort himself out so he doesn’t hurt anyone anymore. He’s now giving me the space I asked for and has said its up to me, understands if I don’t want this. I’m not convinced by him but I would like the opportunity to make a decision about it myself. Maybe see what happens without pressure from her but she will not have it. She turns up whenever she wants, lets herself in treats me like I’m utterly useless. I know how he treated me but I also know he has had his issues to deal with, extreme trauma from the loss of a loved one he didn’t deal with properly years ago. He hasn’t used that as an excuse it’s just where I think his problems stem from. Like I say I’m not getting back with him I just feel I should be making my own decisions and I should be treated like a grown up. Not a two year old because I went to pieces for six weeks and needed her help. It’s the only time I’ve asked for help from heras I knew the consequences. There are residences at my work but my little girl always keeps herself half awake until I get in and climb into bed with her for her bedtime story. My mum is quite strict and I think insemsitive with her so knowing I’m home helps her at night. I wouldn’t want to stop doing that. But thank you for your support and suggestions. I’m not normally an angry person but recently I do feel a rage inside me I need to vent. Mistly it comes out in tears at night when I’m alone. X

[Serenity]

Hi Escaped,

My situation is similar to yours.

My mother saved the day by helping me pay off my abuser in court, but before this, she had been very domineering and critical, trying to take over my parenting and being very unkind to me at times. She had also helped me by looking after the kids sometimes when I worked- even when my ex was around! He was so selfish and hooked on earning money, that I could rely on him even then.

With my ex treating me as he did after he left, threats and terrible abuse, I had reached my fill. I remember telling my mum when she offered to help me financially in court that I was grateful, but that didn’t mean that she would have co trip over me if she helped. That I would rather sell the house and live in a box than be controlled by anyone, ever again.

Yet for years, I was scared to say boo to her!

I have a much better relationship with her now. This is because Igave stood up to get. I now call a spade a spade. I don’t allow her to behave in controlling and unkind ways. I don’t live in fear of an elephant in the room, scared to attack bullying for what it is. I don’t need to use her much for looking after the kids, as they are that bit older, but the times I have needed an adult to stand in, I have gone to friends.

What I am saying is, nothing is more important than you feeling free and being treated with respect as an adult, and not being made to feel like a child. Nothing is more important than your children being away from someone who encourages them to see you as inept or like a naughty older sister.

Your mother is engaging in dreadful bullying and abuse of you. This is the reality.

I don’t know your exact situation, but I would advise that your priority is to distance your mother quite a bit, stand up to her and call her up on her behaviour, tell her you won’t put up with it for one moment longer, that her helping you in court should t make her think she had the right to s use you. Call it what it is. No p***y footing.

I’d there any way you can not use her for looking after your kids? Bullies only learn by us taking action. My mum knew I meant business. She would dare treat me now like she used to. This is because she knows I have changed, that I won’t put up with it and keep silent- I will call her behaviour what it is, openly and publicly, and she is scared by this new assertiveness.

I hope that you can find a way of relying upon her less, as its this which is giving her a sense of power.

[KIP.]

I think when we have been through an abusive relationship, our eyes are opened to that sort of behaviour. As you say, your mums behaviour has always been questionable but it’s only now you’re becoming fully aware. It’s a very stressful time for everyone. My ex moved close to my mums house and when I was visiting her I saw him just outside. When I got in, I was crying saying I’ve just seen him. Her response was ‘well what do you want me to do, move? After that I was extremely careful who I went to for support. Keep posting on here or more importantly, get back in touch with Women’s Aid. Not only for moral and emotional support but because they knew my abusers every move. They could predict what was coming next when I just couldn’t see it. Stay safe. Try to distance yourself meantime. Maybe if your mum comes round, you could use that as an excuse to get out. Even if it’s just for a walk or to shop.

[Escaped not free]

Thank you ladies for your support and wise words of people who have been there.
Serenity I have been thinking about what you said all day, trying to pluck up the courage to go and speak to my mother after work. Kids were going to their dads this evening. I think I know how it will go. Rage then tears, feigning some kind of breakdown at the way her daughter speaks to her. Which my step dad seems to lap up. Trying to prepare for it and be strong enough to walk away and not cave when she does this. Also don’t know what I will do for childcare next week. God knows. Will need to work that one out later I guess. If I get up the courage to do this. Nearly (removed by moderator) and terrified of your mother….not sure if that says more about me or her!?!? Heaven forbid my kids ever feel this way. No doubt the critisisms of my mothering skills will come to the fore again as well. Not sure why I’m putting myself through this but I really feel I need to take back some control over my own life. X

[Serenity]

Hope it goes/ went well X

[Escaped not free]

Well ladies. I wish I could say that went differently but it didn’t.
I tried to speak to her, explain, very calmly that I need to make decisions about my life for myself and it went exactly as I predicted. I have no mental capacity. I have something wrong with me mentally. I have done an awful thing to her. Kept going on about that s**m partner of mine. I “need to start being a (removed by moderator) mother”. The last comment was because I had explained that while I am hugely grateful for the help she gives me with them I often find when I’m trying to talk to the kids about something she talks over me and interjects and I find it undermines me a lot, to the point I end up feeling like their big sister and she’s in charge and I’m not their big sister, I’m their mother. It was at that point I said i was leaving as I didn’t feel there was any point continuing this. Last night one of the children had not had a (removed by moderator) for school, he’d told me he did have one before going so I’d not bought him one, turns out he didn’t. She very accusingly I felt said he didn’t have this, so she would get him one today and sort it for him. I told her it’s ok, she didn’t have to, that I would get it on my way home from work which I did, was on my way to take it to him at his dad’s and turns out she had ignored me again, she’d got it, told him not to worry, she would get him whatever he needed. I know it sounds like a stupid little thing but it’s like she has to prove all the time that she has to rescue the kids from their inept mother. X

[Author]

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