Feeling very lost

[she-ra]

Hi lovely ladies,

I have been out for a while now, coming up to an anniversary of leaving (removed by moderator). This past week or so I’ve felt so low and so lost and I just can’t drag myself out of it. I’m not feeling like I want to go back or anything I just don’t know what to do with myself. My head is swimming with so much stuff, flashbacks of the past and all the new information I’ve learnt such as trauma bonding, codependency, N********m etc I just feel so overwhelmed by it all. When We were finally free I had so many plans of what I wanted to do with mine and the children’s lives and I just have no motivation now. I’ve had some private counselling which I’ve stopped for now as I can’t afford it anymore. I just feel useless and so ashamed of myself. All I seem to do is eat and I hate myself for it. I just feel so lost and just don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s because it’s half term and I’ve actually stopped as weather rubbish and no money to do anything. Usually I am super busy I guess so I don’t have to deal with all of this. I just don’t see how I can go back to work full time next week where I just feel to blurgh! So sorry to bother you all just thought some of you might be able to relate. Lots of love xx

[Escapee]

Hi She-ra

I can really relate to how you’re feeling.
I’ve been out now since last summer but made a big mistake in thinking we might be able to fix things. I have almost gone back to square one but it has made me realise that I’ve been lying to myself and everyone around me that I’m doing ok.

I’m really not ok. I’ve got zero confidence under the facade and I’m weak and exhausted. I’m constantly having flash backs and hate myself when I know it should be him I’m hating. I’m guessing it’s the cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding and the shear amount of brain washing I’ve experienced that has left me feeling like I’d be better off not here (but I’ve got this one).

The thing that keeps me going is reading the posts from those ladies that have got past this stage.

I wish I still had my children around as they would keep me busy but then I know there’s a whole world of other challenges that you with young ones face so I should be grateful for that small mercy.

Hang in there….. we will get there too. ♥️

[KIP.]

You’re absolutely right about this being a phase and phases pass. Ive just booked my second holiday this year. It took me a long time to realise it’s not about ‘him’. It’s recovering from the trauma left by ‘him’ and any contact will hold back recovery. You will always have ups and downs but the downs become less and less as you fill a new life with things for yourself and it’s not selfish it’s the healthy thing to do. If you’re happy and settled then those around you benefit too. This Too Shall Pass 💕

[Anonymous]

I feel exactly the same. I had an eating disorder in my twenties and it’s really triggered it. Except without the throwing up part, so I feel totally grossly fat. I still feel like I’m livi g day to day, but I’ve been out for over a year. Had six counselling sessions provided by work, but got into a, lot of debt, so I can’t have more. Saw my gp who told me my feelings were normal and offered no help. Work full time anyway, which seems to rule out pretty much all the help out there. Just don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Always thought I was a strong person, but he’s made me so weak and pathetic. How did that happen? I’m exhausted with trying to hold it all together.

[Newst@rt]

Hi she-ra, I don’t have any words of wisdom I’m afraid but you’ve pretty much described exactly how I’m feeling! Thank you, it is nice to not feel so alone! x

[Author]

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