Feeling very sad again

[Sad sunflower]

Hello ladies, it’s been (detail removed by moderator) since the last time I posted on the forum and almost (detail removed by moderator) since the last incident where he punched me while I was driving! (Detail removed by moderator) after the incident I was feeling so low that I texted him. I wasn´t even expecting him to reply to any of my texts, but he did. On that very same day we met up for coffee and talked a lot. He said he had finally realised he was abusive and that he was willing to go see a counsellor and promised to contact me in a couple months time in order to try and work in our relationship. I think it was the first time he apologised for what he’s done to me. The next few days were great ( I should’ve known it was just the honeymoon period), he was very loving and attentive. He got me to a point where I thought things were finally going to work out. I was allowed to go out with my friends, he would tell me every single day that I was pretty (something I had almost begged for in the past), he really really made me believe everything was going to be different.

Then one day we were supposed to meet (detail removed by moderator).  I had to wait for almost  (detail removed by moderator). So when he finally came out, I was a bit upset but I didn’t want to start a fight. I just told him that he could’ve texted me to say it was going to take longer than expected. He tried to come up with an excuse and I told him that I didn’t want to argue at all and that we should just let it go. As soon as I said that he started yelling at me… God I could see it in his face, he was turning into a monster again. (Detail removed by moderator). As we were in public, I just tried to get him to calm down and not make a big scene. That just got him angrier.

After a long argument where he threatened to physically hurt me if I didn’t stop talking, he finally broke up with me again. (Detail removed by moderator) And there I was again, questioning everything I had done. Thinking maybe if I just didn’t tell him I was upset because he didn’t text me none of this would have happened. Feeling guilty again. Trying to figure out what else I could do to keep him happy and make him want me again.

I went to his flat (detail removed by moderator) and we talked. He said (detail removed by moderator). I know I should stop trying to contact him but I just cannot get myself to do it! I feel like I am turning into this crazy stalker and I don’t like it. I feel like my addiction to him has gotten out of control. I am sad all the time and though I am still able to go to work I feel like I am not giving it my 100%, not even 10%. I don’t know what to do. Deep down I know this is just another tactic that he uses to control me. I know that in a few weeks time he will contact me. But right now I feel so anxious, I just want to go see him and try to talk to him.

His sister texted me the other day (she doesn’t know about the abuse) and we have been texting constantly since. She tells me to try to talk with him and try to fix things and even offered to help. I am so confused, I don’t know what to do. I am in so much pain. I have already been to six counselling sessions and they do help me feel a bit better for a couple of days, but then I slip into the darkness again. I just wish he would talk to me and that we could both go see a counsellor.

Sorry for the long post ladies, I just needed to get all this out of my chest.

[freedomtochoose]

Repeat after me: you are not the problem…you are not the problem…
big hug
ftc
x

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you @freedomtochoose I try to tell myself that but sometimes he makes me think I am the one who is abusing him. Why do these men treat us like that? It just makes me so sad

[lover of no contact]

I’m afraid he’s getting a big kick out of treating you like this. They pull us back in, then push us away. They idealize in the beginning then discard us. He has the problem. He needs to abuse you so he can feel powerful. He gets a high from your upset/distress and unmanageable life. He has a sick personality. Keep posting to get the strength to go No Contact with him again and to break your trauma bond with him and to get him out of your system. I had to do it too. I was where you are now. Its so painful. Its horrible to think they get off on our pain but they do. He’ll never change. I would go No Contact with his sister as well. She’s destructively helping you and feeding his addiction for Power by wanting you to have contact with him. I’m not saying she’s aware but my abuser had his sister under his control too so I had to break contact with her after being close to her for 2 decades.

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you @lover of no contact. I totally understand that going No Contact is the only way to finally get out of this but it is just so hard. I just miss so much waking up to his texts, having someone to talk to, just the day-to-day stuff. It is crazy how you can find people who have been through the same and still you feel so alone and so lost. It is so hard for me to go no contact with his sister as I see her as family. My family is a mess; his is different. They hang out all the time and are very supportive and I really felt like I was part of his family too. I just wish I could be as strong as you my lovely.

[dustypink]

Sad sunflower

Try to fill your life with something except him. You will feel bad until you are dependant on him. Just stop and think, why do you need another person to be happy? Why do you need his family to feel useful and happy?
This story is more about you, not about him.
Try to break trauma bonds, try to start your own life! Enjoy the time with your own. love yourself, make gifts, go for a walk – meet yourself and know how beautiful you are, fall in love with yourself 🙂 This works 🙂

[Sad sunflower]

I totally get what you are saying @summerday I don’t know, I think I am just the type of person who is happier in a relationship. I do enjoy the fact that I can see my friends and have time to take care of myself now. I have been able to lose some weight and feel happy about it. It seems like everything else in my life is finally working. After a long time trying, I finally got my dream job but I still cannot get myself to enjoy it. In fact, I just feel paranoid at work all the time, thinking people might realise what I am going through and it is exhausting. I am sorry I am being so negative right now, but I do appreciate your words @summerday
big hug

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