Feelings all over the place

[HopeLifeJoy]

I still love my second abuser, I still have a tender spot for him in my heart, which I try so hard to ignore and shut down but today I admitted to myself that I do still love him. I am not sure if it is love or need to be there for him, despite everything, his coldness, his complete lack of respect, his sick possessiveness, I feel because I am sad about my situation with my first abuser that if I would have been in a better place to help him understand he would still love me and be there for me.
I am so heart broken that it didn’t work out. I don’t think I ever loved anyone as strong as him.
My love for him is as strong as in the movie Twilight, Bella has for his vampire, Edward, and even though he is supposed to be a predator and wanting her blood he fights it and his love for her conquers his need to kill her.
I have this same deluded idea that love and respect could be stronger then my abusers need to abuse me. But of course it is an illusion. A romantic illusion. I want love and respect. He wants control. We want two complete different things. It will never work.
I won’t contact him.

But my feelings are really conflicted. My heart aches for him and I feel liberated when I admit that I do love him. I suddenly can breathe again, like I have been given much needed oxygen.
I also see how much he hurts me, that it never was an equal relationship. I was the giver, he was the taker plus he spits on me on top of it.

Goodness, it’s all so messed up.
I wish to be able to love someone without getting hurt. To be in a relationship where we love each other, respect each other and grow old together. That should be possible. Otherwise I just don’t see the point of living.
I’d never ‘needed’ a relationship before. I was fine being single and independent before I entered my long term relationship with my first abuser. Now I feel like this needy winny little girl who needs her prince to come and save her. It’s just so sick. I think I am most probably co-dependent. Doesn’t matter.
What matters most is that I wish respect from people I have relationships with. Without respect, there is no possibility of friendship and relationship with me.

Respect first. Love second. It’s so unromantic but it is the only safe way forward I think.

Thank you for listening, I do feel better now, I am able to breathe again.

[freedomtochoose]

Thank you so much for being so honest with this post.
Kind of think that one of the hardest things to accept in life (at least for me) is when I have conflicting feelings.

There have been some strange events for me this week. Difficult events, where I again was faced with things – and really difficult hurdles and me feeling kind of ‘oh, how I would really wish that someone would turn up who would just help out so I didn’t have to do it all myself’…seemingly really stupid things, like the lights went out (I had to fix the meter and it took ages), then my loo got blocked (a ‘friend’ turned up with some fancy equipment but then gave up, let me down and disappeared).
So in the end I fixed it myself.

I would completely go with ‘respect first’ ‘love second’.

Would also add that there are different kinds of ‘love’. Not one kind, but many kinds. Acts of love and kindness. People doing their job well. People making sacrifices for their kids. People passing the time of day with a kind word.

For now, I am not sure about the ‘growing old together’ bit. I am a bit older but some blokes even the decent ones – seem to look for partners to look after them in old age. Maybe because of my history and because I have care responsibilities that doesn’t speak to me. So I’m looking for alternatives.

Maybe again because of my history, I’m not sure of staying with the model of a bloke, a woman and kids. It didn’t work for me. I don’t want anyone on my rent contract. I don’t want anyone to share my bank account, and I’m not even sure somedays (in fact mostly I don’t) want a bloke in my house.

This is how it is. Think I’m gradually finding my way with this. I would say on some deep level it can be really hard to love someone. You were brave enough to do it. And like me and many others on here you got terribly hurt in the process. But you are spending time to reflect on who and how you are and there is hope attached to that. I feel like saying ‘it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’.

You tried. It wasn’t your fault. And you didn’t know what was coming. And neither did I. And here we all are on here, those who are already out and have made inroads into rebuilding our lives. Those who are struggling to get out and some in despair. And those who falter at times (like me) – and need to take steps back because of our history and regroup and get stronger again.

Thank you again for posting
all best
ftc
x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you equally for your reply Ftc. Your words are so loving, it is the sweetest balm to my broken heart.
There is great comfort in knowing that we are all holding together, supporting each other and like you said, love comes in so many different ways, that too is comforting.

Well done for fixing everything yourself in the house. I can’t do it myself, I have to call the handy man.
Big hug to you and everyone,

[freedomtochoose]

And you hon. Just taking it step by step here. Didn’t think that I could unblock the loo. Have never done that before but just took it step by step. Can’t put shelves up but maybe I’ll get round to that one eh.
ftc
x

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