- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 11 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
My husband senses that something has changed in me and he’s panicking. He keeps cornering me trying to make me say that we are going to be together forever and then he gets upset when it doesn’t sound convincing. So now, he’s done every change I’ve every asked of him over the last couple days. Everything he said was “too hard” or “asking too much” all of a sudden he’s capable. It makes me feel sick. Bc then I start feeling guilty for wanting to leave. I start feeling like maybe it will finally change this time. That he will be the partner and dad I’ve been asking him to be. No shouting, being involved with the kids, actually helping me around the house. Going above and beyond. When before getting him to do the bare minimum was a nightmare.
Why now? Why is he capable now. I feel cheated. Like he could be a better person but he just chooses not to be. I keep reminding myself that we’ve been here before. Where I’ve felt the relief that yes he’s finally gotten it. And then it always goes back to the same old. It actually gets worse. The more I push out of his boundaries the worse it gets. I can’t do the cycle anymore. I just feel so panicky. Im not sure what to even think. I just don’t want to be on this emotional rollercoaster anymore. Im so scared my kids will hate me. When my husband thinks I’m leaving he says “don’t make me do this. Don’t make me leave our family.” As if everything is my fault. And then I’m convinced it is. That I’m a bad person for wanting more.
-
I was just away to write the exact same thing selflove3. I had made plans to leave, but also shut down completely and suddenly he is being a calm patient dad, doing things with the kids, being kinder to me, and I feel so uneasy as I’ve never experienced this before. He asked me outright if I was planning to leave and I wimped out and said no. I too feel cheated, but also angry as why now! Sad because he must know how he been abusive and now I’m feeling conflicted on top of all other emotions of guilt, selfishness, and a general bad person. It makes me feel like he doesn’t want me to go, but I need to. Looks like we are at similar stages, so I’m hoping we can be a support to each other.
-
-
It can’t be real, or surely they would be like this always. I started to see some glimpse of normality this evening, but he quickly corrected himself and went back to being nice to us all. I think this is more unsettling as in my mind I’m thinking, what if he’s trying to show in his own way he cares. What sort of person am I taking the kids away from (the current version) of this fun dad. How on earth am I ever going to arrange when he gets to see the kids when I know he will use them as a way to control me. When he hasn’t bonded with one child, how can I trust unsupervised visits when I won’t be there to intervene. He will make it so difficult for me at every stage, and maybe taking that into consideration it’s easier to stay, but I don’t want to (hence the selfish user name). I want to break the cycle of abuse. I don’t want my kids to feel the fear I do. I want to be able to go out and not worry about what I’m facing when I’m home. I have very little support from him usually, to the point a lot of people presume I’m a single mum, so I know I’ll manage, and hopefully thrive on my own, as I’m sure you will too.
Hope you are doing ok, weekends here are often the hardest. X -
It sounds like a mixture of him sensing the change and knowing he needs to try whatever will work to hook you in again, the trauma bond tugging at your brain and something called FOG (fear, guilt & obligation). You’re having a mental civil war between knowing you got to leave for good reasons vs the mind trickery & manipulation to stay. I found it helpful to write things down, look back over old texts/photos and that’s when I noticed I was getting the same texts & promises each time because I believed his words…silly me. Watch his actions not his words, like you say you saw the mask slip and he won’t be able to fake it for long. Keep focused on a new, happier life x
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
