Figuring out wants/needs and setting boundaries

[Ariadne]

Hi everyone,

I realised while going through therapy that I have a hard time figuring out what I want and/or need and how to set boundaries. It is a persistent issue for me, so much so that I sometimes find that I am constantly bombarded by others’ needs and I feel like people should chill sometimes… But in reality, it’s at least also because I do not voice my own needs or concerns, and so there is no balance there.

I imagine this might be a common issue in survivors, and I was wondering if you had any advice from your own experience of how you have gone about being more assertive in this and establishing better boundaries?

Thank you!

[Teaandcats]

Hi Ariadne
I read this last night and thought ‘I’m good at boundaries and saying “no” to things when I need to but don’t know why so don’t have anything valuable to add here’, and then (insert eyeroll), carried on re-reading messages he had sent me about child contact, while feeling completely helpless. And a few hours later while still feeling the same about his messages thought back to your post. It was like being hit by a bus. I’ve convinced myself I’m good st boundaries because they fit into his abuse – i’ve been using “boundaries” to isolate myself for years without knowing! Like, all through covid I’ve not gone out at all except to work and had convinced myself that I was just following guidelines, not taking risks, being careful and declining invites because it wasn’t safe… Over Xmas I brought the kids and I a hot drink during a walk because it was so cold and he just happened to call (check up on me/us). He said I’d been so good and wanted to know why I’d put us at risk by buying a drink – was I just giving up on those boundaries we’d agreed?
When I really, really think about it, every boundary I put in place easily isn’t really a boundary at all. It’s a block to anyone getting close. It’s a way of me reinforcing his control. I actually cannot think if a time when I’ve put a boundary in place where it’s genuinely been for my benefit… its always linked with anxiety, feeling sick, tense and desperate.
I’m sorry that this essay is probably not helpful to you, but your post has given me yet another lightbulb moment. Thank you.

[Everhopeful321]

Teaandcats, Ariadne – I can see where you’re coming from, for years now, I have either instantly said no to things, offers from friends/family to do things or have said yes, instantly regretted at and spent the lead up to it trying to work out how I am going to get out of it. And I know that it’s not because I don’t want to do it, it’s the repercussions and fall out of me asking to do something, never mind actually doing something, that makes me do this.

So I started to then question myself, it’s all in my head, I could meet my sister for a coffee if I wanted to, I’ve done this to myself. Last week I attempted to do this, arrange something for myself and the reaction and fall out was unreal, completely crazy. But still he argued that it wasn’t that he had a problem with me doing something away from him, it was the way I’d gone about it, it was secretive (even though I’d asked him about it first).

So I know it’s not in my head, these limits on my freedom are there, but how do I even start to reduce them. This is what makes me feel the only way is to go completely, there is no chance of things gradually improving to become a normal relationship because things are so not normal to start with. Hoping for some advice to even start to look at what my needs are and how to start to address that without the fear and guilt

[Teaandcats]

Also, now following this thread for ideas too x

[Strongenough]

Hi everyone,

Something I started after I ended my last course of counselling was a weekly “check in”. I set reminder on my phone for same time every week then sat down and wrote everything I felt I wanted or needed for that week. From this I created some goals. Now, I am talking basics here! Because I was at a really low point and with all I had been through in my abusive relationship I had lost all sense of my own needs. Things I would write down might be, visit family, exercise, make a hair appointment etc. Once I started doing these little things I slowly began to build myself up.

From this I progressed to setting work boundaries, I was in the habit of working 6 or 7 day weeks but I slowly started to delegate more and recognise that I needed time off to invest in me. I was actually enjoying taking care of myself and not feeling guilty about it. I came out of my auto pilot setting that I had been on for years, work, clean house, do anything to keep the peace was pretty much my lifestyle when I was in my abusive relationship.

I’m unsure if this is the type of advice you are seeking but I suppose my point is I couldn’t set healthy boundaries until I actually started to practicse prioritising me. Xx

[Ariadne]

Hello lovelies,

Thank you so much for all your replies to this post!
It really helps to know about certain techniques, but also what your experiences have been like.

I think I have also let myself fit into his pattern… Like integrating his view of the world and of how to behave, and feeling like that is the right way, when in fact I am just acting this way because I am afraid of repercussions. Even if I am probably in a place where I wouldn’t have to deal directly with these, the thought/behaviour is still there. I hadn’t thought about this in this way, but that makes sense! Thank you!

I also had a therapist tell me to ask myself multiple times a day what I need, and then following through. This can be with little things like “I need a break right now”, or with big things like “I do not want to this person today”, and so on. I am not the best at following through with this every time, but it is something that has stuck in my mind and that can be helpful!
I really like your suggestions, Strongenough – a weekly check-in and knowing when you are overburdening yourself and delegating when possible is a good way to go about it.

[Everhopeful321]

I think also, one thing that worries me is that I’m starting to pass this onto my children (the buying a hot drink for the children made me think of it) – they’ll ask to do something, I always reply with ‘we’ll see’ or say probably not, and they’ll ask why…I never have a reason, but it’s because I know he will be hard work about it. This isn’t what I want for them but how do they learn to express their needs if they don’t have an example to follow or if anything they do ask is always met with no. I maybe need to use this as a starting point

[searchingforhope]

I’ve just realised that I do this too. Really need to become aware of all the things I’m afraid to do because of the comments and backlash and his paranoia
I think I’m shielding them from it, but I guess there is so much that I’m not either.

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