Finally moving out, why do I feel guilty?

[Tulippower]

I’ve been living with my ex a few months after we’ve split, and I’ve finally found a new place. I’ve been working with Women’s Aid for months who have confirmed I’m suffering from DA. Financially, verbally and coercive.

During our relationship he cheated multiple times (denying it and making me out to be crazy), slept with prostitutes, told me to quit my job and spent thousands on strip clubs when I was pregnant.

I think I’ve held off leaving because I’m so scared of being on my own and reliant on him (he earns a lot of money.) And he keeps threatening lawyers and 50/50 custody. He goes out drinking every week for hours hours and regularly takes drugs.

The final straw was he left (substance removed by Moderator) on the floor where our baby crawls that really scared me, despite me telling him to quit so many times.

I love the new place, I’m scared of the financial burden of having to run my own home and pay for everything but I am excited. I just can’t understand why I’m so upset, I feel so guilty when I know I need to leave. I haven’t even told him, and I’ve just been crying all day.

I feel like I just need to rant and hopefully someone else gets what I’m feeling 🙁

[Cherries]

I get it.

I did too. Still do, in fact.

I know where my guilt comes from…being told literally everything is my fault. He was trying so hard and Im just never happy. He wasn’t trying, but the to and fro of gaslighting, nice to manipulative and back to nice again…it confuses things until you dont know which way is which. You say you’re not happy because he won’t do any chores at all and somehow that argument ends with you correcting something he wants you to correct, and the initial topic raised being all your fault too because xyz.

Mine literally blamed me for leaving and played mr innocent badly done to victim who was simply a misunderstood hero.

I know on a level he’s lying to us both but because I have a conscience I have to ask if I did do anything wrong.  Do that for enough years…conditioned behaviour. Autoguilt.

I think a term I heard used was cognitive dissonance.

Also you’re probably going against what he wants and that usually equals guilt and consequences.

Having to watch your every move guilt and paranoia.

Its not easy but I think it is normal for us. Emotions aren’t easy things anyway and they start leaking out all over the place when we’re stressed x

[Tulippower]

Thank you I’m glad someone else understands, and get how my brain is working.
I’m sorry you went through this, I hope you’re on the road to recovery x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi Tulippower

i just wanted to sidestep your original question for a minute and ask you to think about the 50/50 custody thing.

I know this has been bothering you a lot.
But, your future depends on you being able to either work or train ( or retrain if need be). Your career in other words!

I would encourage you to think about whether having full custody of your child would cause you many problems here ( of course I’m guessing that the custody arrangements will be sorted out by the courts, so to some extent this is not in your hands).
Of course the best interests of your son will be primary here, as they should be. But I would encourage you to think about 50/50 custody NOT as him getting weekends plus a day, in which case he can fob the extra day off on someone else and carry on working, guaranteeing himself a wealthy and stable future with a good career, while you take the rest of the week, thereby guaranteeing yourself a poorer and unstable future as finding a job to fit around that isn’t going to happen (or at least a lot more difficult).

Rather go for something more equitable if at all possible. One week on, one week off for example.

 

[Tulippower]

Thank you for your message and advice. I was all for 50/50 custody but he is a drug user who risked our child’s safety by dropping it on the floor.

I want to go back to work, and get back into the hustle and bustle, but in the same breathe don’t want to risk my child’s safety.

[Cherries]

Wish I’d had that advice back when I had children evenserpentsshine. Really good point x

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