Finally Opening Up – Need Support

[Golden rose]

I’m working on un-learning the habit of apologizing for everything, so I won’t apologize for a long post. But I just realized no one knows any of this but me – and it’s time to share this off my chest, so to those of you who do read, thank you so much, and sending love to you all in need of some support today.

I guess I’ll start by telling my story (in a non-identifiable way), and then listing what I know (but somehow still need validation for) is the abuse I’ve been facing. Your thoughts /support are what I need right now, as I’ve been feeling incredibly isolated recently.

My partner and I have been together for several years. I live as an expat somewhere in (detail removed by Moderator) (won’t specify, but a culture so so different from all I’ve grown up knowing – adaptation and learning the language has been a constant the past few years). We are from completely different sides of the planet. It’s just me here, family and friends all the way back in my home country. To complicate things – he and I own a business together here full time.

I find myself, like so many women here, walking on eggshells around him, moderating my behavior to avoid blame, potential explosive outbursts, and the emotional exhaustion and fallout that ensues. I’m constantly anxious that I’ve forgotten something or will make a mistake.

I’ll just make a list because it’s embarrassingly long (I’m also struggling with the shame of writing this and seeing all that I’ve allowed myself to be subjected to, but know it’s important to talk about it):

He flies into fits of rage over things I never see coming, things seemingly so trivial.

He’s threatened to destroy my Passport several times, my only way of getting home

He’s broken several of my nice things while angry – won’t specify what.

Rips the off blankets off of me occasionally when we fight. I use them as an emotional barrier between us when things get intense.

Once I don’t even remember what we were fighting about, he crawled on top of me while I lay in bed, ripping up (I won’t say what) some of my things in my face. I became so distraught that I jumped out of bed and flung something in his direction, hitting him somewhere. Another time I was cleaning and we were fighting about something, and he smashed the thing I was using to clean, which meant I was going to have to spend extra time on an already very stressful day on that mess. In tears, I ran from the room and threw something at the wall – right as he came out of the room unfortunately just in time to hit him. Before I could say sorry and explain I didn’t know he’d be there – he hit me. He’s been making me feel horribly guilty about me hitting him first. Telling me I’m the physically abusive one. He was right but also I didn’t think it was fair to give me the same label after making me feel so unsafe. I’ve read now in this forum that there is something called reactive abuse, which sounds exactly like this situation – but he clings to that example – calling me the violent one and making me doubt my sanity.

He’s broken a lot of everyday household supplies by smashing them, once pretending to hit me with one of them before breaking it, and when I fought back he got mad at me for thinking he would ever hit me.

He has Threatened to kill my family – I know they’re on another continent, but still

Threatened to burn our business down

Called me every name in the book, including in the local language that I’m still learning, along with less explicit ones like shut up, calls me a baby when I cry, boring and lame, empty

Hanging up phone during arguments

Screaming and yelling, spitting in my face once

Saying I ruined his life and his reputation because I’m the one who makes him act this way

Insulting my intelligence – are you stupid, what’s wrong with you, that I have nothing to say

He will Withdraw and sulk intermittently, respond with short sarcastic responses, completely withhold sex (I feel like a perv because I’m still attracted to him and love him and crave that intimacy)

Ignore the first time I speak depending on his mood

He’s Triggered every time I’m sick – saying it’s stressful for him, and that everything from the business falls on him when I’m sick which is why he’s irritable with me

I Change my behavior to avoid blame – for example sometimes the street food here can be tricky hygiene wise, and I occasionally get an upset stomach. Once I saw one of my favorite snacks, but didn’t eat it because I was afraid of being blamed for getting myself sick (he later even admitted he would’ve blamed me too)

I feel like I’ve blocked some of it out – blurry to think about

More than once he’s blocked doorways with arm, locking doors

Blaming his anger issues and depression on me, always turning a conversation toward what I do wrong, saying I can’t ever talk about what I do wrong and that I think imperfect

He’ll pull the race card on me but backwards, something along the lines of me acting like an idiot because I’m a racist and that I should go back to my racist white country

If I express a negative opinion about how he treats me or others – I’m “policing” and having double standards

He’s extremely Hypercritical of my mistakes but rare to compliment or appreciate my achievements unless I call him out. Condescending about the smallest mistakes I make (or something he would’ve done differently) or patronizing of my comments as if what I’ve said is the stupidest thing ever

He has an issue with feminism, equating it with fanaticism as if the goal is not equality but females dominating males

Says I talk too much, and that it’s my fault he snaps at me when I forget to ask him if it’s a good time to talk before initiating conversation if he looks busy

When he’s mad, he drives & recklessly and accusing me of having no right to comment that I don’t feel safe when I’ve been in car accidents too (none of which were my fault, and one of which I wasn’t even driving) . Saying I made a big deal out of things by getting out of the car.

Saying I can’t use his things when he’s mad

Telling me to get out of his house when we visit his family home, knowing full well I’m not from the country and have nowhere to go.

Accuses me of weird little stories like throwing away his laptop when he can’t find it (I changed the details) or losing his water bottle when it turns out he hadn’t looked properly.

I’m sure I could think of more – but that’s all I have the energy for right now. It’s just so hard to exit with all the mind games, being so far away from home, the business – and like every woman on here says, there’s a side of him that somehow I feel deeply connected to and cared for by.

It sucks. I know I’ll be okay, I just have to figure out what that looks like. But some validation and love would be incredibly helpful in the meantime. Love to all <3

[Ariadne]

Hi @GoldenRose,

You’ve been through so much… And I can imagine you are feeling very isolated where you are! Be proud of yourself for finally starting to share your story. It’s the first step towards realising that you deserve better. There are definitely a lot of abusive behaviours from your husband. I too have wondered if I was abusive because of one time I slapped my ex, but like you said, reactive abuse is a thing, and you were pushed to the limit. He probably enjoys pushing you that way, so he can have an excuse to go further as well, and to blame you.
Please keep posting here, but also, try to find local support from some charity for victims of domestic abuse. The fact that he threatens to destroy your passport is especially worrying since it makes you even more dependent on him, and maybe they could help you with this? I would also consider leaving that abusive relationship, because it is unlikely it will get better otherwise…

Take care <3

[Golden rose]

Thank you Ariadne ❤️ At some moments I read all of what he has done and feel so clear that it will never get better and I owe it to myself to leave.

Other times I justify everything with my own behavior to make his seem more acceptable, start to wonder if I’m the main cause of the problem and doubt everything- worried I’ll make the biggest mistake of my life by leaving…

He’s so kind and smart and fun when he’s not in these moods, and I must admit that since I called him out on his abuse, the most alarming behavior has stopped (breaking things, threatening my passport, etc.). He has admitted after I confronted him that his behavior is abusive (with caveats in there of course on how I am still at least a partial cause of his emotional issues), and It’s obvious that he has tried to stop, but I’m still afraid of him now, his outbursts are still there, blaming me or accusing me of things I didn’t do, the occasional snarky comments and hypercritical judgement is still there, sulking, intermittent emotional withdrawal…

I keep seeing signs of him improving to cling on to, but I feel safer emotionally when I’m not around him. The walking on eggshells feeling subsides until I go back home. It’s hard to tell if that’s from past trauma or reflecting the current scenario.

It’s horribly confusing, and I feel empowered, guilty, justified, and trapped all at the same time.

[Author]

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