Financial Abuse

[BeeHappyAgain]

I’ve been with my husband for (removed by moderator) years, married for (removed by moderator) of them.

There are other forms of abuse in the relationship, but I’m particularly concerned about financial abuse at the moment.

When we first met he pretty much moved in with me (unofficially) and I paid all the bills and the rent for just under a year. He owned a flat and had a lodger, but spent very little time there. We then bought a house together. He had more money to put down as a deposit and wanted (removed by moderator) ownership of the property which I agreed to.

He then became quite controlling of money. He earned about (removed by moderator) more than me, but I was on a reasonably good salary. It wasn’t overt – he didn’t really tell me that I couldn’t spend money, although we did spend quite a lot of money on (removed by moderator) and he told me that was the last (removed by moderator) I was ever going to buy. If I bought something for myself he’d want to know how much it cost and then remark on how expensive it was (it wasn’t), so I started telling him that the item cost about 50% of what it did and he’d still remark on how expensive it was. If I wanted to buy something for the house he’d tell me that he didn’t really like it, but I could buy it if I wanted, but if I did he’d sulk, so I pretty much stopped spending money. He told me that he felt financially responsible for me, even though I had a good job. About (removed by moderator) years later we bought a new house. We’d been married for (removed by moderator) years by then and he asked me if his ownership of (removed by moderator) of the property could still stand and I said no.

Most of our assets, apart from the house, are in his name. He has a flat that is rented out and the money goes straight into his account. We share the cost of utilities and have no mortgage.

It’s taken time to realise that I was being abused. It wasn’t until I read a book called The Covert Passive Aggressive N********t that I realised what was going on. There are other forms of abuse going on, but now I know what’s happening they aren’t affecting me as much. The reason why I’m particularly concerned about the financial abuse is that I’m still allowing him to manipulate me.

I set the divorce in motion in (removed by moderator). He was upset and kept saying that he ‘cared’ about me, but I think really he doesn’t want a divorce because of the money. Although he knows logically that everything is marital assets, I think he *feels* that the lion’s share is his because (removed by moderator) years ago he had more money than me.

He doesn’t want to pay for a solicitor himself. He didn’t want my solicitor to offer financial advice to me as that would be *too expensive*. He told me that he’d share the financial information with me if I didn’t get financial advice. He even wrote to my solicitor telling him I wouldn’t be taking financial advice from him. At this point I had very little idea of how much money we had.

(Details removed by moderator)

He’s away at the moment and coming back tomorrow. I’m really afraid that he’s going to be able to manipulate me into keeping to the original deal, despite him not keeping up his end of the bargain. (Details removed by moderator).

I’d move out, but I have (removed by moderator) dogs and I’d have difficulty finding somewhere to rent with them. (removed by moderator). It would be great if he’d move out until after the divorce and I’d bought a house, but I don’t think I could insist on that. Also, I know it shouldn’t bother me, but I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy. I asked him to read the book to give him an insight as to what he is doing to me. (removed by moderator). I know he makes up stories to justify his behaviour, and I think he convinces himself that the stories are true. He’ll be telling people that I conned him out of (removed by moderator).

[Marmalade]

Hi BeeHappyAgain,
It’s very hard to work out what is going on as your post has been so heavily moderated.
Assuming you are getting divorced in England and Wales, you both need to declare all your financial circumstances for a financial order to be made.
You need legal advice on your rights and the likely orders the court can make. You have a solicitor so speak to them to make sure that full disclosure is provided by your husband, and then get their advice on a settlement, or if you can’t agree, then advice on the likely order the court will make.
Good luck.

[Camel]

Your solicitor works for you alone. It’s up to him whether or not he engages his own. Therefore he has no right to inform your solicitor of how you wish to proceed. Make certain your solicitor understands this. If not, find another one.

You could agree to a division of marital assets without a court order but this would be extremely unwise. Your husband will not be honest with you, no matter what he says. If you feel he’s hiding assets you must let your solicitor know. By law he must be transparent.

Stop listening to what he wants and lean on your legal support.

[Author]

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