Financial abuse?

[Anonymous]

There are other things going on but I will focus on this. My partner seems to control every single aspect of my financial life down the the exact penny. I work on my own, and all my bills are completely separate aside from the rent I pay him. He is always talking about how I waste money, and when we get into arguments he always throws in my face that I “have nothing of my own”. This irks me, as he is quite a bit older than I and I feel like it’s an unfair example. He just brings up how much his ex made when she was my age, or the things that he had. He was speaking to his friend saying how much debt I have, this and that. His friend had a similar problem and suggested I consolidate. I told his friend I had a small balance on my card (about under (detail removed by moderator) pounds…and a car lease. His friend was dumbfounded and thought the way my partner was talking I was in severe debt.

I can never pick what I want in the supermarket anymore, there is always some sort of comment on it’s price. It was a month long discussion about how I shouldn’t get X turkey because it costs more…but it’s okay, I can buy it and eat it because I am a “rich girl” but he is too poor for that. I can’t even tell him what I had for lunch or dinner before class anymore because he asks how much it costs. I told him I had a salad and he states, “I can’t believe how much money you spend.” He is constantly price checking everything down to a tee and even when we go out to eat he analyzes the bill, thinks someone ripped us off, complains, etc. I suggested we go out last night to a buffet that is only open on weekdays that we like and he said, “sure I don’t have any bills…no car lease”. His comments are just getting ridiculous.

We were going to join a gym because he kept complaining we weren’t working out. I told him I will just join his, and we drove there and I was in the middle of filing out the application and he said we should look at other places first. I was irritated, and he said “well we can just pay full price for everything like you do. go ahead.join.” I was kind of flabbergasted, as that is exactly WHAT WE CAME TO DO. We ended up looking at another gym which was in a poorer area which I said I was a little uncomfortable with so I thought we should look at the nicer one by us. This turned into a month long discussion about again how well “I guess you can afford it.”. We were at a stalemate again, him complaining, me saying let’s just go do it I don’t care if it’s $50 a month, if not lets go to the other.

We end up getting a free pass, and he LOVES the other one, so I say let’s do it. He then proceeds to wait a week for “deals to be mailed”. Fine, but then he complained again that I never work out with him so I said we are going at joining. He complained about the money again, and then when we got there the front desk said the sales rep was doing a tour but he would be back shortly. My partner picks up his phone and was about to call the sales rep for deals. I told him that was rude, and to just let the man finish with his customer. He snapped and said, “guess we will be stuck in debt with everything and pay full price just like you.”

[Anonymous]

When we get into arguments he CONSTANTLY mentions I don’t own a thing of my own other than my engagement ring. We were fighting about when we are getting married and he stated he needed a prenup signed first. I told him to just find an attorney and draft one…it’s not like he’s a multi millionaire. He got really angry and said it’s easy for you…you have NOTHING! You have NOTHING! He’s called me worthless, says I need a guardian to make sure I do things properly etc.

He spoke about getting a house loan with me the other day and when I said I would be interested, he just immediately says “what am I kidding you can’t save a dime.”

I don’t understand why I feel so trapped. I have worked my entire adult life (im (detail removed by moderator) and make well above “poverty line”…I feel like am starting to think that I do need him. I’ve gone from completely independent to afraid to order something for my car because he will chime in about how he could have done it cheaper.

[brokenputty]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s not only financial abuse but severe controlling behaviour. I can only assume you are from abroad and not the UK from the dollar sign.

This is NOT ok. If you marry this man, it will be a big mistake. He sounds like my ex and it was a miserable life. I’m with another one similar now that I’m trying to leave (I must attract them?) and it really is just awful. I used to love make up and now I have to buy anything in secret when I’m at work (cheap stuff from drugstore, only when I’ve run out) and never let him catch a glimpse of anything new. It’s pretty much my only hobby and I’ve been robbed of it, all because he claims my money is his money because he paid for deposit on our flat and a months rent when I was between jobs.

I tried joining a cheap gym and I got accused of making decisions without him and i’m a horrible person for that. Even though I mentioned i was going to join and my work will pay for it anyway. I have already cancelled it, I didn’t go once 🙁 I also would have liked to do some dance classes for fitness but that would be a drama too no doubt.

I get ‘charged’ too much rent, I earn a lot less than my partner but I’m still paying half. It’s crippling for me and he knows it. He buys outrageously expensive gadgets for himself and the home and claims they are for ‘us’ but never actually shares with me. I feel like a poor person because of him!

I’m obviously going to say leave as that’s the advice I’d give to myself… it won’t change… he sounds just awful.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Anonymous,
Yes this is definitely abuse. It gets worse the longer you are with them until you are afraid to do anything with out asking his permission. Then you’re afraid you can’t cope without him and you’re trapped! Vicious downward spiral. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I hope you find the support and courage to escape before it gets any worse.
Best wishes, get advice and support from Women’s aid and citizens advice bureau, rights for women anyone and everyone to build up a good support system around yourself. It’s so much easier with the right support.
Good luck

[Author]

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