Finding courage – can you help me?

[Jameson]

Hello,

I am one of the lucky ones in comparison to some of you. He doesn’t physically harm me. But I am hoping you can help me find the courage and strength I need to get him to finally leave.

 

He moved into my house within (timeframe removed by Moderator) of kissing me and has lived here for several years. He has no income and no assets. I have paid to set up his businesses (which don’t make money) and paid for his child maintenance and given him money for all sorts over the years.

I have not been happy for a long time and have asked him to leave. He has so far refused (saying things like he will go on hunger strike in my house until he dies etc).

I used to be frightened he would hurt me, because of his rages (he would say how he wanted to behead people who offended or annoyed him in some way) and would have the most awful violent temper. I had a running away bag next to the front door for a few years, although he has convinced me over the last few months he wouldn’t hurt me.

Strangely, I feel protective of him and responsible for him. I sometimes feel so pathetic and weak. He can be so charming and romantic and lovely, it’s so confusing. Someone else said it’s like being in a washing machine. I feel the same. I tell him I want him to go, and within the same conversation it’s as if I never said that. He doesn’t remember promises he made (especially around anything financial) and when he does say terrifying things about hurting people he tells me not to pay attention.

I have a moment in time (timeframe removed by Moderator) when I think I can get him to leave. But my courage comes and goes. My family and friends who are aware of my home situation all think he is bad for me and has to go.

Do any of you have tips for staying strong? I know I need to do this. I am so drained and am beginning to worry this is now my life. Trapped, unhappy, forever.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

When I think about the trio of things that abusers use to keep us trapped, you have mentioned every single one.

The FOG.

Fear

Obligation

Guilt

I think for me ( bearing in mind that I stayed for decades) it was finally my relative saying to me “if not now, then when?”

Ask yourself if there will be a better time in the future to do this. If there genuinely is, for practical reasons, then do it in the future.

If there isn’t, then are you helping yourself ( or ultimately him) by leaving it longer.

 

[Jameson]

Thank you EvenSerpentsShine – that is such excellent advice. And that framing is incredibly helpful. I am going to do my best over the next few days…

[Breadandbutterpudding]

Think the best thing I’ve read on here recently was that we lived once before them and we will again. I’ve only been away for a matter of days but my head is so much clearer. I’ve been isolated, gaslighted, controlled, threats to kill and it escalated to physical which is when I got out.

It can be done. Go no contact and use that bag. Read the stories here, they really help. Try and collect any evidence you can. The app brightsky is good for this

[Jameson]

Thank you breadandbutterpudding – wishing you strength and a big dollop of kindness as well as thanks x

[Author]

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